I am NOT an addict...

I haven't had a diet coke in 10 days.

And, I am not even on some crazy diet that forbids it!

But, I am pretty sure that 11 days ago I was way more fun!

And, on that note... when I die, I would like someone to cut me open and see what the D.C. did to me! That's right, I'd like to donate my body to D.C. research!

Deep in the Heart of Texas...

So, Texas is one of the fattest states in the USA.

Go Figure!

It's ridiculously HOT here. The white people are melting...

If I lived here, I am pretty sure I'd be REAL fat. Because who wants to leave the house when it feels like you're sitting on the sun outside?!?

Now, think of that picture and try training for a marathon in this weather!

I MAY die.

It IS a possibility.

And, no, I am not being dramatic.

It is THAT hot!

Would you hire this guy???

So, I am in charge of what feels like EVERYTHING at my office (especially today). And, one of my many many many responsibilities is to manage and update my company's website (although I haven't done it for months now.... shhhhhh). So, all the contacts, questions and resumes that get sent in through our website come to me.

Yesterday, I got this beauty! It was by far the highlight of my workday!

Albert wants to be a Construction Project Superintendent, or so he says. I am not exactly sure what he thinks a Superintendent does. This is an EXACT excerpt from Albert's resume.

"I have commenced my studies in the field of construction engineering technology. I have learned the basic idea of engineering the process of developing art. I sincerely did not realize the beauty held in drafting and engineering along with the immense thought process and concentration that is required in order to perfect a project. I am willing to satisfy your needs and evince to you my capabilities in the art of design. I will open new doors and poke holes in areas where no one has pondered upon."

WHAT?

Como, WHAT?

Ummmm, I don't have ANY idea what this guy would even do at our company.

But, whatever it is he's planning to do sounds naughty and dirty and no good! For sure this guy is trouble! OR foreign.

I am pretty sure he'll fit right in, so of course I asked Joe if we could hire him. I said pretty please and smiled my prettiest smile and...

that usually always works. But, this time all I got was a "Brinker!?!"

Not so comfortable...

When I graduated from college I still remember vividly sitting in the audience listening to the #1 student in our entire college preach from the pulpit. She basically gave her entire speech about how her greatest fear in life is that she'll turn out mediocre. I just remember thinking "really, that's your biggest fear? Like really."

Basically, I've spent my whole life just trying to fit in with the masses. I mean, when all my friends got bras, I did too! It's not like I needed one, I just REALLY wanted to fit in. It's been like that ever since. (This statement is both literal and figurative, take it as you will!)

I've spent so much of my life looking around and thinking (or often saying aloud) "you have got to be kidding me???" But, I still try to pull it off, whatever "it" may be, if everyone else is doing it. I am just one big after school special... if everyone is doing it, I am in... but, I have never feared not being good at anything... because I am not super duper good at much... but, man I have fun trying... and when I don't I just use the ole' fall back "you have got to be kidding me!"

At no time in my life have I echoed that phrase more than I did tonight. I said it A LOT. I said it audibly and LOUD. And, given my surroundings, it was like shouting in a library.

I went to yoga!

Nothing about yoga is comfortable OR natural!

I got into the Saint George Marathon, so I am in training (AGAIN). Numero dos for me. I have done tons of half marathons but, this will only be my second full. And, I was three years younger with the first. So, it's rough! I fear I may die! I have been reading for years how yoga and pilates and other strength training exercises reduce the risk of injuries. So, I started doing yoga and pilates... and I am SO no good!

Tonight's yoga class was laughable! The instructor kept saying "do it just until your comfortable"... which is nice and pleasant... until you hear it after "standing straight, just place the top of your head on the floor, but just until you're comfortable". What the... (a) how is that humanly possible? (b) for whom is that comfortable? Or "now stretch out into the full splits... but just until it's comfortable." Can anyone over the age of 10 REALLY do the splits? Ok, maybe some chicks who don't weigh enough to give blood, but anyone else?

Pilates is WONDERFUL! I really like it actually, even though, I really am no good at it. But, yoga is an esoteric version of pilates. I feel goofy doing it! I don't understand the ambiance. Ms. ridiculously-bendy-instructor-lady walked around and sprayed calming stuff on us. She kept saying "shante, shante, shante" which I think means peace in yoga-speak. She was waxing on about how no other activity brings the soul and spirit together more (I gather she's not deeply religious) and she would say things like "check in with your ankles and your toes." How do you check in with your extremities? I don't get it.

But, I still tried to fit in. And, the entire time I was trying so hard to be bendy! And, failing miserably.

So, my sweet vindication came when she read a quote (what the... you've got to be kidding me... but, no, she really did read a quote) that she attributed to Ghandi, she started out "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us... "

And, I thought in my head "That's not Ghandi! It's often attributed to Nelson Mandela (even though he didn't coin it either - it seems like it was Marianne Williamson, I think).

I may not be bendy... but man am I smart!

But, just you all wait. You should all save up your money... because come July when the OC Fair comes, I am going to set up a booth and charge you all a buck to watch me stuff my body into a 3 x 3 box like a good bendy carni-folk would!

I miss tomatoes.

That's it.

That's all.

The end.

Dear Mom...

... Much to your chagrin, I just found out that it IS entirely possible to stay in bed all day and still get married!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080611/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/mexico_half_ton_man

That's it, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to diet OR leave the house.

Thank you dear large man in Mexico! I've been wanting to stay home more for quite a long time!

Inside my head...

Lately, I keep having the most random songs in my head. They are mostly on my mind when I wake up in the morning, but sometimes they come on in the middle of the day.

The best part is that I don't even know why or where they come from, I haven't heard even one of them on the radio lately. And, when I tell you what they are, you'll know why...

They are old... and no good... and showtunes... and...

1.) "Wiskers on kittens..." (and the only other line I know)... "brown paper package tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things."

2.) Blame it on the Rain (Hello... what???)

3.) Ebony and Ivory (This one is SO bizarre to me, almost as bizarre as the next one...)

4.) "Nobody solves a problem like Maria" (and of course that is the only line I know from this song).

Is there a website that will explain to me what is going on inside my head???