News Flash!

Kids get up WAY early in the morning!

This morning my alarm clock went of before 6!  And, it sounded like this "mom? where are you?"  I slept through it for about the first 10x!  Which, CLEARLY was not my fault, I thought I was dreaming!

I am babysitting for the weekend.  Tyler (2) and Brian (3) - a cute little family from my ward! We all know it's my dream job!  Mom!  But, only for the weekend.  Let's hope I'll have the discipline to give them back on Sunday!  And, the discipline to feed them food instead of cake and candy!

One out of two isn't bad. Right???

But, the Jonas Bros. Disney show REALLY is! - Yikes!

I gotta go color some sort of Disney book and change a diaper!  I can't wait!

Food For Thought.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

That's why I decided that I would have cake for breakfast the other day.... I was SO incredibly good!

I could justify my way out of feeling guilty about just about anything... and I've had to learn that skill just to be able to function! - I am getting pretty good at it. I USED to feel guilty about EVERYTHING!

What Matters Most

Due to a lesson I gave my beehives yesterday on dating/marriage, we had a conversation last night at our house while eating a tasty cake made by Marci for Cameron's birthday.

(Side note: 12-year-old girls do not know what the words "fornicate", "lust" and "Pernicious" mean, nor do they understand the terms "necking and petting" ... SWEET, yet AWKWARD for me to explain). Good thing Debra Bendheim came in and said boldly, "Don't let anyone touch your boobs!" It really did make my lesson a lot smoooooother... I couldn't get any of them to stop giggling!

So, last night we were talking about the lists my beehives made to remind them of what they want in a husband and then we mostly started teasing Robin for her really strange bed/husband-to-be/hygiene OCD... if you don't know what this is, it's TOO much to handle, let alone explain, but the gist of it is that no one can get near the bed if they have not first LIVED IN A BUBBLE or come straight from the shower having cleaned every part of their human body. Seriously, it's odder than I can explain. But, it is seemingly really important to her... the same way that being "ridiculously good-looking" was the most important husband quality for my sweet naive beehives, who ironically enough, don't even know what "lust" is, so it would be a total waste of a ridiculously good-looking guy if you ask me... but anywhooooo...

It made me think of my own (very short) list* and I have decided that more earnestly than I want to find a man who does NOT pee on the toilet seat (OR is willing to wipe it up so I don't have to), I would like to find one that can appropriately answer this question I now intend to ask to EVERY guy I go out with (on the first date - it's that important)...

"Exactly, how cool do you want the temperature around you to be?"

If said-potential-husband-candidate says anything under 75 degrees, it's off.

I am sick of being cold! And, after 5 years of working in a freezing man-cave environment, I am totally over looking like a person who is dressed to walk through the streets of Siberia in the winter WHEN I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

* I know, I should be shortening my things-I-want-in-a-husband list these days, but it's just not happening!!!

Lost in Translation

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you do something like this and totally redeem yourself..."Ok, I MAY have butchered that line from Dumb and Dumber (I LOVE that movie) ... but, you all know what I am getting at here, right.

Man, this whole week I have felt REALLY unintelligent... I mean EXTREMELY so. I think it was Monday that I didn't do anything right at work all day... I mean, I messed up things that a monkey could do! It was a rough day for me. Not enough sleep. Not enough food. Too much running. And, WAY too much to do at work.

So, why not chat with my friends all day on the side! That's easy. They love me. It should esteem me a bit, right? WRONG! Lately nothing makes me feel more unintelligent than G-chat!

I JUST barely learned how to G-chat... and I use the term "learned" loosely. I am laughing so hard, I can barely sit up straight to type this. Seriously, Wendy and I have been at this for a few weeks. Morgan is a pro. And, we SUCK at it.

This is what happened today (and I wish I could say that we're usually better on other days, but we're not. This is par the course.)

Wendy invites us to group G-chat. Wendy always does the inviting, I have NO idea how, and Morgan's computer won't allow her to.

Group Chat #1

Wendy joins the group.
Morgan joins the group.
Ali joins the group.

Morgs starts typing, telling some story about boys that Wendy and I are both thoroughly interested in, but I have already heard.

Wendy joins the group.

What she left??? When???

Morgan: Diz, did you get all that?
Wendy: I didn't get anything! What the???
Morgan: Ok, I'll try it again. Sorry Ali.

AGAIN, Morgs starts typing, telling some story about boys that Wendy and I are both thoroughly interested in, but I have already heard (twice now).

Wendy left group chat.
Morgan left group chat.

I don't think I even typed anything! But, now I am the only one in group chat. And, I don't know how to leave or invite anyone to talk to me. Yikes.

Then I get invited to ANOTHER group chat. So, of course I accept. Now I have 2 group chats open with the same people, only I am the only one in one them. What the... ???

Group Chat #2

Wendy joins the group.
Morgan joins the group.
Ali joins the group.

Wendy: Girls?
Morgan: What just happened? We have two open now?
Wendy: I hate my computer and my internet. Well, I kept trying to chat and it gave me the message "this group chat did not receive your chat". So, I started a new one.
Ali: I LOVE that we keep trying this!

Sure blame the computer AND the internet.

5 minutes later, in an independent just me and Wendy chat...

Wendy: Can somebody help me? I lost you guys.
Ali: I don't know how Diz. Ask Morgs. I have NO idea how to invite you in.
Wendy: It's Ok, I am back now.

Back to Group Chat #2

Morgs continues with the story. Then she stops and types this:

Morgan: Wendy, you have to add Ali, I can't.
Ali: I am in!
Morgan: Perfect.

And, the story continues...

Wendy: I totally agree with Kate, Morgs.
Ali: What did Kate say?
Morgan: I just sent it to you guys.
Ali: When? Where?
Wendy: It's in an email, Ali.
Ali: Oh, Ok, let me read it.

Ali: Just bat your eyes and smile your prettiest smile. Didn't you learn anything from the Little Mermaid?!?
(This is always my advice. And, for the record I am surprised that people still ask my advice, CLEARLY, I don't know what I am doing people! Have you NOT noticed!?!)
Morgan: Oh, OK, I'll try that next time. It's been a while since I've seen it.
Ali: Oh, you should watch it. Did we lose Diz again?
Morgan: I love it! I think she's still here, Diz???

WE HAVE THREE COLLEGE DEGREES BETWEEN US... FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT G-CHAT RIGHT?

The only thing better than this would be Kate could getting lost with us. Come on Miss Kate. Can't you talk your boss into letting you G-chat??? Look how much fun we have confusing each other all day long!!!

Dispelling the myths...

Today J.Flo walks in and tells me that he has a Mormon story for me. Turns out he and his friend were talking about how much they love Chick-fil-a and said-friend was complaining about it not being open on Sunday. J. Flo told him that it was because the establishment was owned by a Mormon (which I did not know. Who knew??? ... some LDS trivia that he came up with on his own time). The guy replied "Mormons can eat chicken?" To which J.Flo replied "I sure hope so, because my Mormon friend eats BBQ chicken salad EVERY TIME we go out to lunch." (Which is true... it's my favorite - definitely my if-you-were-on-a-deserted-island-and-could-only-take-one-food-item-with-you-what-would-it-be? item, well that and frozen yogurt). But, I digress. Then J. Flo tells me that if I make a pamphlet correcting all these erroneous myths, he will start distributing them in all the hotels he frequents, right next to all "your books" (AKA the Book of Mormon).

So far I have these myths to dispell (all of which have been asked to me at some point throughout my life):

Q. Do Mormons have horns?
A. Ummmm. No.

Q. How many husbands do you have?
A. NONE! Who are you, my Grandpa, back off!

Q. Do Mormons garden in the nude.
A. Most Mormons I know don't garden at all, but those who do, do so fully-clothed, or at least in their Gs.

Q. Do Mormons wear special/funny underwear?
A. Yes. (If anyone wants to help with answer I'd love any advice you could give, I never know how to answer this!)

Q. I hear you have sex in your temples, is that true?
A. Nope. I am pretty sure if that was happening, the ratio of girls to guys in attendance would actually be off balance the other way!

Q. Did Joseph Smith lose both of his legs?
A. "I am pretty sure he and Hyrum spent their last days leg wrestling in Liberty Jail." - Articulately answered by Rich Benson many moons ago! Thanks Rich, your words will soon be in EVERY Marriott Hotel, right next to the BOM.

Anyone want to add to my pamphlet???

Rough Patch?!?

So, over the course of the last few weeks there have been oh-so-many incidents in my life, my roommates' lives, and my practically-roommates' lives that have led me to this conclusion...

I think maybe they should bring back Polygamy.

Seriously, what are we waiting for? Joe said he'd be Mormon if they still had it, which would increase our tithing pool substantially! Plus, I've been thinking... I'd rather be a second wife to some of the more NORMAL guys I know than deal with the current crop of guys I know!

I understand that this statement may seem a bit harsh. But, even my parents who spent only 4 short days in our apartment were dizzy from all the drama! My mom finally conceded that dating these days IS far different than when she was a lass. (FINALLY).

So, Reyna if you are still up for it, can I share Seth with you?!? Clearly you're lonely out there in Chicago and busy with 3 kids under the age of 3, right? And, I could sure use a 44 oz. diet coke brought to me with a smile every morning?!?

Or Melanie, can I take your extra bedroom? I really like Chad, and maybe the fact that I don't know him that well will be an added bonus. And, since I am only going to be a second wife, I can totally hit up his dad for all those free McFlurries he offered, no need to maintain any sort of a trim figure. Plus, what a dream to live in Texas by my family.

Or Amanda, would Jonny be game? I could help with peanut and the papoose hold on Saturdays. And, I could sure use the foot rubs and the free movies.

Or Wendy, Schmoopy always made me laugh AND he always made me really good CD mixes. We all know how much I love music. And, no one calls your dad out the way I do!

I am totally good at sharing and really not all that needy. I can change my own flat tire AND jump a car AND kill bugs! Plus, I sort of like to clean stuff! I'll share my clothes and my 401K (and I’ve been working F-O-R-E-V-E-R). Any takers?

For the record...

Here is the sad truth... pasty white people look funny when they try to tan. It's just not attractive.

My Oompa Loompa complexion is fading, which I am ACTUALLY quite thrilled about.

But, I currently look like I have leprosy which is ALSO not attractive.

How long does it take a fake tan to totally wear off?