Dear Mom (Again)...

Although I have never tried conceiving a child of my own volition, this plan seems better than the normal alternative...

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/10/56yearold_woman_gives_birth_to.html

What do you think?

How much do you love me?

You ARE in great shape!

Let me know.

Who needs a fortune cookie...

...when one of your besties says:

"Guys are like dogs. They can sense when you are uncomfortable."

~ the glorious Robin Bendheim ~

Calling All Twilight Fans...

Help me!?!

Remember how I was supposed to read Twilight before the movie on Friday?!?

Well, I didn't.

I didn't even start.

So, I have a conundrum! I have to show up in a shirt that says either "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob".

I don't know a thing about them. I actually just got a lesson on the difference between a Werewolf and a Vampire.

I am leaning toward the Teen Wolf guy, because, well, I really LOVED that movie, when I was 12!

So, tell me whose name I put on my shirt. And, why?!?

We only have 48-hours people, so advise me quickly!

7 things Tag...

I have been "tagged" so many times lately, so I am actually going to just do this once and direct everyone to the blog for answers!

7 Things Tags

7 Things I Can Do...
1. Laugh until I cry and my sides are sore.
2. Make other people laugh until they cry and their sides are sore.
3. Eat candy for every meal.
4. French braid (my nieces LOVE this about me)
5. A front handspring (still)!
6. Lift heavy things (I have freakish upper body strength - ask anyone!) But I can't do a push-up, how does that work?!?
7. Write RIDICULOUSLY long and complicated Government proposals.

7 Things I Can't Do...
1. Sleep through the night (most nights).
2. Communicate well, when it matters.
3. Figure out how many shoes are "enough".
4. Keep presents to give to people for the occasions I purchased them for. (If I bought it on Monday, I MIGHT be able to wait until Tuesday, if I am lucky - even if it's a birthday present to be given months away.)
5. Figure out how to use a bluetooth!
6. Stay warm enough.
7. Say "No".

7 Things I always say...
1. Yes, Please.
2. Remember when...
3. Nobody likes you, everybody told me.
4. What's up, little pup?
5. Seriously???
6. Let's be honest.
7. Is everyone OK? Or, Does anyone need anything? (I can't help it.)

7 Things I Always Eat/Drink...
1. Diet Coke.
2. BBQ chicken salad (no cheese).
3. ANY CANDY EVER MADE.
4. Pei Wei/P.F. Changs.
5. Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream.
6. Egg Beaters.
7. O+ Yogurt.

7 Things I LOVE...
1. Anything with Ruffles and Bows.
2. Talking to my nieces and nephews on the phone.
3. Target!
4. Fresh Flowers/plants.
5. Being Outdoors/Running.
6. My family and friends.
7. My job.

7 Things I don't like...
1. Ice Cream Men (I find them creepy).
2. Crocs (I don't think grown-ups should wear plastic shoes).
3. Outhouses (No explanation needed).
4. Poor Grammar.
5. Cheese!
6. Elitists.
7. That I get frustrated with other people for things I am not good at myself.

7 Things Not Many People Know About Me...
1. When I was little I wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist.
2. I have NEVER had a cavity or broken a bone.
3. The doctors had to break my mom's tailbone with a mallet in order to get me out of her womb
4. I was in the first grade twice.
5. I am not as tall as most people think (5 feet 8.75 inches).
6. Even though I don't cry often for myself, I cry for other people all the time!
7. I was born right outside of Washington D.C. and although I moved when I was 5, I STILL miss the seasons.

A Christmas Homage

My roommates let me decorate our house for Christmas last week. I don't care if any of you think it's too early. Thanksgiving is too late this year, and I am NOT waiting for it to be over, so I just did it. I already listen to Christmas music too, mostly just Lionel Richie Christmas, or whatever Marci has playing from her MacBook.

Every time I look at the "stockings", I think of my dear sweet friend Morgan... (and Flo Rida)

"... Boots with the fur..."

CAKE AVERSION! (I never thought it would happen, but I am there!)

Yesterday was a great day. It was the day one of my favorite people in the whole world was born, my sister, chocolate covered Kimmy. She’s the greatest oldest sibling a girl (or boy) could ever ask for. She always made such wise decisions, forging a path that we all tried to follow. She is, by far, my favorite shopping buddy. She is beautiful inside and out. She is an amazing mother and wife, a wonderful sister and a fabulous daughter, although she’d never allow herself to believe it! She's erudite, yet humble (a very rare combination). Her children are my world (along with Adam & Julie’s and Ryan & Jennica’s). I think of her often and thank God for her always! Happy Birthday big sis! In honor of your special day, I have a confession, I have kept it to myself all these years - I used to sneak into your room and spray your perfume on me and listen to your Suzy Q record when you were gone at drama rehearsals… I couldn’t help it, I kind of idolized you (and Suzy Q) and still do (well, obviously not Suzy Q – anymore). It was also Grace Kelly’s birthday. And, Charles Manson’s. And, my boss’s brother, Mike. And, mine.

For those of you who are new to this world (or this blog) or have never met me, so therefore do not know, I am a people-pleaser… always have been, always will be! I have tried “tough love” when I thought it mattered, or would work, but I suck at it. Really, I ALWAYS cave, not just a little - A LOT. I try to hold my ground, but somehow I always end up apologizing… I am trying to work on this. (I better marry a rock or my kids have no hope of turning out decent, we all know I will feed them crap and ALWAYS cave to their demands… shoot the list is getting longer, not shorter!) However, I have figured out that I do have a Facebook spine. If you try to add me and I 1.) don’t know you; 2.) am a little uncertain as to whether or how I know you; 3.) know you, but never see you and don't care if I ever will; 4.) never particularly cared for you or 5.) don’t care AT ALL what you’re up to or how your life is going, I WILL hit “ignore” if you try to add me as a friend… I am kind of a Facebook snob! What can I say? (If you are related to me and you fall into one or more of the 5 aforementioned categories, I will still add you… and never tell you that you fell into one (or more) of those categories, because I’ll more than likely see you again, and that could get awkward… for me, of course…) Morgan informed me that I do have a virtual spine… that’ll have to do until I find my real one.

Anyway, since I am one year older and wiser and still spineless and apparently really well adored (ha ha ha), I ate cake 5x within a 24-hour period. I had to! I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, of course (and let’s be honest, I LOVE CAKE). But, even I have my limits, or would, if I had a spine!

First, darling little Angela Graham made me a cake for YW, it was Funfetti… which I LOVE. And, my YW sang to me… they are SO cute… I LOVE them all… (which is why I am still planning on reading Twilight by next week, but I haven’t started… so that’s not gonna happen).

Second, my assistant at work, Roxanne, who I have only known for a month, but adore more than words, made me cupcakes! They had fondant??? on them. They were so pretty and very yummy. So, I ate one (at 10 AM – yikes). She also went around the office and told all the boys it was my birthday. I had successfully kept it under wraps for 5 years now, because I am sneaky like that… and they’re men, so let’s face it, even if I wore one of those cone hats, with a pom pom on top and that elastic around the chin that could drive a girl to drink, they still wouldn’t make the mental leap that it was my birthday - it would be a whole bunch of guys shrugging their shoulders and thinking “huh, Ali must be in a hat phase or something.” For the first year ever, they all wished me a happy birthday. And, took cupcakes.

Third, the girls downstairs took me to PF Changs, where I got a ridiculous fortune. “You will soon play in a group sport, be cooperative.” News flash, I don’t play team sports, because I am people pleaser, and I wouldn’t want to perform badly and have anyone mad at me. Plus, that's a LAME fortune. And, I got the Great Wall of Chocolate Cake (which I generously shared with my co-workers, thank goodness! Little did I know, I’d have to eat cake 2 more times by the night’s end).

Fourth, M.E. Clayton (the great) and her sweet sweet mom, Lisa bought me Sprinkles Cupcakes, which, if you don’t already know, are DIVINE. There were 4 of them (pumpkin, strawberry, black/white and red velvet - yummy!) and again, I shared!

Then my amazing roommates and darling friends took me to Pei Wei (Clearly, some of you thought Plan #2 from last week might have been a joke… nope… today, it was not!) Since, it was my birthday I opened a bazillion fortune cookies (luckily I did not actually eat even one of them). I got all loser fortunes/statements! GO FIGURE! “Your clever mind will lead you to many rewards,” “Today is a good day for being with a companion,” “If you go fishing, your catch will be plentiful.” (I so wish, I was kidding, these are quoted verbatim. The Peking Noodle Company MAY want to consider getting some new employees). Out of a dozen or so fortunes, I never found even one I liked (of my own accord). So, because it was my birthday (and I kept reminding Robin that it was my birthday and I needed a good fortune, namely HER good fortune), Robin gave me hers and I loved it “Family is more valuable then money. But, you will have both!” - Yipee. Plan #2 accomplished. Now, I can work on Plan #3 and believe me, after yesterday's diet, I need it.

Fifth, we went home and the girls gave me another Funfetti cake, (which, let’s review, I LOVE) made by Morgan the fabulous! And, of course, I ate a whole piece WITH ice cream (mint chip AND oreo). All day I had on this cute little party dress (because, hello that’s what all little girls do on their birthday and I am dying to be young again… so, I just fake it…) And, I even had tights on, which by the end of the night started to roll over my pouchie tummy which was ridiculously full of cake and on down to my hips, and for the first in forever, I totally felt like I was 8 again!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I really do have amazing friends and family! (But my favorite well wish of the day came from Brett, knowing how I adore Kate Spade, all the way from Montana via Facebook “I can't find Kate Spade shoes to gift you in MT but I did find some that look like what David Spade wore in the early 90's- they're on their way!” And, an honorable mention goes to my 7-year-old niece, Haley, who sang her heart out to me, then asked how many candles my friends were putting on my cake and quickly stated “I hope they don’t put them all on, that could start a fire.” - Thanks for that Haley.

The best laid plans... "Oh well, everybody has a choice!"

So, as we are all brutally aware, I am not a Type-A personality. I have never been that much of a life planner. But, every few years I look back on my life and think, ‘I should’ve had a plan’.

So, throughout the week I have come up with a few of them… plans, that is. And, most of them are brilliant if you ask me.

But, before you read these, I would like to insert a disclaimer: If you are a member of PETA or the ACLU or are offended by statements and opinions that are not politically correct, you might not want to read this post. If not, carry on…

Plan #1:
Come election time, EVERYONE has a plan, right? Even this lady … what the…???

http://www.ktla.com/landing/?Woman-Only-Gives-Candy-to-McCain-Support=1&blockID=124198&feedID=1080

Therefore, my first brilliant plan stemmed from the most recent election, in which a lot of RIDICULOUS propositions passed (and so did Prop 8 defining marriage as ONLY between a man and a woman – which I fully supported). One of the absurd propositions that passed was Proposition 2 – Standards for Confining Farm Animals which in a nutshell creates a new state statute that prohibits the confinement of farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs! It does so to the tune of some millions or billions of dollars (bonded, of course, because we’re broke here in California). RIDICULOUS… more leg room, what are we… Jet Blue?!? My boss came in on Wednesday asked if we had to pay people to take the chickens out for a walk now. And, if we’d have to ask the cows if they’d be willing to let us milk them, after we’ve appropriately massaged their utters, of course.

Anywhoo…the news was quoting (for days) one of the first lesbian partners to sue the state after the passing of Proposition 8. She said California was the only state where chickens had more rights than gays. Oh man, this made me laugh. Sort of distorted, but hilarious. Aaron suggested that we just put all the lesbians in a cage and call it good. All these new laws/statutes, crazy political views, half-witted comments and a flippant conversation with my best friend created this beauty of a plan: We SHOULD put all the lesbians in a cage, and charge a fee for all patrons wishing to view this lesbian farm. Clearly, since guys are proportedly wildly into this sort of thing, we would be able to earn FAR more than we lost economically (and omit the need for a bond). The excess revenue would then be split among me and my best friend(s), which we would more than likely turn around and spend at the mall, single-handedly bolstering the entire U.S. economy! Done and done! I will let you all know when this plan gets off the ground.

Plan #2
Sometimes (OK, most of the time), I wish someone else would just tell me what to do with my life, because I am lazy and not good at planning!

But, no one will. So, I have decided to turn my future over to the Peking Noodle Company! My second plan is this: I am going to eat at an Asian restaurant for every meal until I get a fortune that I like!

Has anyone noticed that fortunes in general are hard to come by? I swear my most recent "fortunes" have been extremely generic and cheesy “People enjoy the smile you show to the world” (vomit) or “the world is a better place because you’re in it” (crap) or "someone needs to feel the love you have to share.” (whatever!) Dear Peking Noodle Company, these are not fortunes, they’re compliments, warm-fuzzies, statements of reaffirmation! When I get a fortune cookie, I expect a fortune! I am entitled to a fortune! Maybe you could work on that! I did get this one the other day “You will take a chance in the near future and win!” That’s pretty good, I guess. But, I still have to DO something! I am too lazy for that! So here’s what I am looking for “Don’t worry, you can totally sit on your couch in your PJs, someday your husband will just show up. It’ll happen.” Until then, any suggestions for restauarants. Right now I am alternating between P.F. Changs and Pei Wei (making that Corporation AND the Peking Noodle Company, much to my chagrin, very profitable).

*** My best friend would like me to go on the record as stating that she is vehemently opposed to any plan that would make me weigh 300 pounds by the end of the year! Whatever! What does she know?!? ***

Plan #3
I went to see Madonna yesterday, Britney made a brief cameo and so did Justin (4 minutes, I presume). Anyway, I could not take my eyes off Madonna (and this REALLY wasted girl in front of me that was trying unsuccefully to put on her sweater on for about 15 minutes, but couldn’t locate the arm holes. I couldn’t stop laughing, and Jo wouldn’t let me help her out because it would take away our entertainment).

The whole time I was at this concert I kept thinking about how incredibly rad Madonna’s body is (and how I so hoped that the drunk lady had a ride home because CLEARLY she shouldn’t be driving if she can’t even put on her sweater)! Anywhoo… back to Madonna. She has like ZERO body fat. Her arms are amazing! Her abs are so cut! And, her thighs do not touch AT ALL! I covet her body. I mean she’s 51 (I think ) and she has three kids (one of which she bought, so that doesn’t really count) and she was singing AND double-dutch jump roping AT THE SAME TIME. I can do neither (not separately, nor together). Which brings me to my third plan. I am never going to eat M & Ms again!

This plan will work only until I actually SEE a M & M, of course! Then I have to say, I will immediately eat one or 500 and revert back to Plan 2… because clearly I am going to have to decide between the two, it does not seem feasible to do both! We all know Plan #2 is going to win out! Hello, even if my mouth was wired shut… a few M & Ms would still manage to get in there somehow!

In the spirit of election season (and because I am amazingly computer saavy)… I’d like to conduct a poll. Vote on the plan you like best:

Week in Review (Mostly Quotes Edition)

I just got home from work! This is why I deserve Kate Spade shoes from Joe! I also worked most of the day Saturday, so... I didn't have much of a life to blog about... and all of my free time goes to YW or to assuage my conscience about Prop 8 (I am afraid if it doesn't pass, I may have to hide) and I don't have time to upload any of the photos from Halloween yet (plus, we used Wendy's camera, so I may never see those pictures)... so this is basically the mostly quotes edition.

On Friday, one of my favorite people ever born had a birthday! Happy Birthday Jody. I know I hardly ever see you, but I think about you ALL the time. You are such an amazing example to me. You have always been and will always be one of the most loyal friends I have ever known!

We went to lunch for Jody's birthday, just the 4 of us (Meg, Claire, Jody and I - we SO missed you Paige!) And Meridith (aka Meg) said the funniest thing "I try to be upfront when I go out on dates these days. I let the guys know right away that I am down to my down syndrome eggs."

Then on Saturday, totally out of the blue Robin says "You guys, you know what's really gonna suck? Having to listen to Elmo songs in the car!" I am assuming she's thinking of being a mom and not changing her current music tastes.

My roommate Marci was watching me check all of my friends blogs and she said to me "all of your friends have kids!" To which I replied "Well yea, ALL of my friends have kids, SOME of my friends even have grandkids, in case you forgot, I am like 100!" (Clearly, I am feeling a little old).

Debra, Jean and I all got Facebook (in case you missed last weeks review) for our YW girls so we could check up on them and keep abreast on their day-to-day lives. Debra says to me so-and-so "walled me, is that what it's called? Walled?" I told her that I wasn't sure, but honestly I don't think that 's how you say it... because it totally made me laugh.

"He gave you a ring pop when you were like 6 years old, get over it already!" -Blair Waldorf (what??? I am obsessed!)

That's it... that's all... I have to finish working! (Plus, Wendy just brought me Pick Up Stix - she's amazing).