My mom is so funny!

I swear, my mom has said some of the funniest things since I have been home visiting for Christmas. But, the best part is that she isn't even trying to be funny.

A few days ago my dad was talking to his mom on speaker phone. Apparently, in her older age her voice is getting lower. She's like 91 or something. Anyway, my mom says: "Who is that man dad is talking to?" I look at her all confused. Then she says "oh wait, that's grandma... oops."

And, then today, we are driving home from church and I am asking her about all these people she was talking to. And, I ask about this one guy who has long white hair and looks like the scientist on Back to the Future, but with a lot more girth. Anyway she tells me his name (and it turns out, I actually do know the guy), then she says (all matter-of-fact), "He is a Santa in the winter and a clown in the summer. His look easily transitions well for both." I was laughing so hard, and she said, "Well at least he has a career."

Aaaaahhhhh.... my mom is so funny!

On a side note, my 5-year-old nephew was forced to wear an argyle sweater. He looked beyond DARLING! But, for some reason he was not having it and he told us he looked "stupider than the stupidest guy ever born." Ha ha ha.

Did you know...

That the average American watches 5 hours of t.v. PER DAY!?!

Where in the world do these people come up with 5 extra hours a day??? It's not that I don't LOVE t.v., because I do! But, I barely have time to watch my dedicated weekly shows... The Office, Modern Family, GLEE etc... I swear, I don't even have time to watch t.v. for 5 hours a week... Who am I kidding, most nights I don't even get 5 hours of sleep!

That was until I came home for the holidays. Now, I think I might actually be up to the American standard. It's scary. I have to roll over every once in a while and check for bed sores. Luckily, I don't have any. Whew!

I have to say there are WAY too many channels. It's actually bothersome to have to scroll through all of them... especially since my dad subscribes to stations that play HIGH SCHOOL football even... what can I say, that man has MAD LOVE for spectating sports.

Anyhoooooo... Basically, I would like to categorize shows that I have been watching in one of two categories (overrated or underrated)... this post MAY or MAY NOT be updated during my Christmas Break depending on how much t.v. I actually watch.

Overrated

Deal or No Deal... I am sorry, but this show is boring.
Any and all talk shows... with the exception of Ellen (some days).
Any and all soap operas... with the exception of the ones that took place in the evening, like the O.C. and Gossip Girl (though the later is too sleazy to watch anymore).
That show about psychic people that have paranormal experiences... that show is just LAME!

Underrated

Hoarders... that show NEVER gets old. (My sister Kimberly also agrees).
Intervention... I MAY or MAY NOT have cried watching this yesterday. (Another Kimberly favorite)
Family Feud... I know, I am a nerd... but, we all already knew this. (Kimberly actually told me this was a low point for me!)
Parole Board... it's REALLY interesting.

Stayed tuned for more...

Christmas Photo Booth

I used to blog... before I got sick... and, before I had so much to do that I had to stay up until 2 AM most nights to get it all done. Maybe I will be better after the new year, along with all the other SIGNIFICANTLY more important things I will try to be better at in 2010. Until then, maybe I will just post some photos from time to time. I will start with these.

A very Mormon Christmas!

This is kind of funny...



Thanks Micah.

Christmas List.

My roommate Marci said that we should make Christmas lists and have Diz do her vinyl lettering on the wall with our Christmas wishes.

So far I have this:

Dear Santa, I want a husband who smells good and will give me piggy-back rides. That's all. And, like every other year, I have been TOO nice. Love, Ali

I sure hope it works this year!

That's right, my 7-year-old niece and I are looking for the same exact type of guy. I am totally comfortable admitting that.

"Douche bag Phone Call"

After a night with the girls, talking about our lives, we were all sharing our latest misadventures. I hate to admit that sometimes events from our lives inspire us to share crazy rad stories happened upon by others who are EVEN less fortunate then we are when it comes to dating. But, often they do. Last night, April comes out with her computer and plays us this clip:



I wonder if this guy is still single?!?

Hoping for the best!

As it turns out, according to my co-workers I am ALWAYS these two (2) things:

1. Cold

and

2. on a diet.

Well, I am ALWAYS cold. I have a space heater at home and a space heater at work and no matter what time of year it is, mostly they are both always on... even in the summer... when it's like 90 degrees outside. I blame this on the fact that I have very small veins and very poor circulation (a doctor told me that, I am not making it up).

And, I ALWAYS act like I am on a diet, but it never really works that way. Anytime someone walks past me with a cake of any kind, I am off the wagon. Candy gets me most days too.

But, right now, since I had TWO thanksgiving dinners (friends and other friends) and I have to fit into my fancy black tie clothes for a few banquets I am supposed to attend, I feel like I SHOULD be on a diet. And, it's like 60 degrees outside, so of course I am wearing sweaters AND have my space heater on full blast.

Anyway, this is what happened in my office today...

Ali: Oh my gosh what is that smell? And, can I have some?!?
Jackie: Brandon made popcorn. Doesn't it smell good?
Ali: Yes, can I have some?
Jackie: No, but you can have regular corn.
Ali: That's not nearly as fun.
Jackie: Well, you can put it in front of your heater and hope for the best!

It's time....

I have been listening to Christmas music since October... mostly just Lionel Richie Christmas... but, still...

Some of you may think that was a bit premature, but now it's time to go all out! Christmas is really the only holiday I have decorations for. Truthfully, I can't really get into decorating for any other holiday, except maybe Halloween, but that's only if you count candy as a decoration... but Christmas is my thing.

I HEART Christmas... everything about it... the giving, the weather, the music, the hot cocoa, the candy, the presents, the horrible sweaters, the wonderful scarves, the family and friends, the nostalgia of it all, the reason for the season, and the decorations... oh the decorations.

While my roommates are out of town I get to decorate the house... and I can't wait.

And, even though there is a recession of sorts happening, I promise I won't do this:

Although, if I am being honest, this is one of the raddest things I have ever seen!

"Haus of Gagas"

We had a Halloween party.

It was rad.

All of my roommates and I dressed up as Lady Gaga... thus, the Haus of Gagas.

I have a TON of photos... but, I am only posting a few.
We thought we were cool.

I should write more about this grand party... but, I am too lazy, it was too long ago, and I don't really remember much, mainly I just wanted my cute family to see my Halloween costume.

Better late than never.

That's what she said...

My darling friends are all about dinner parties. And, I love it. It's fun and social and according to stuffwhitepeoplelike.com makes us SUPER WHITE.

Anyway, in an attempt to assist with some of the planning we had this conversation today.

Ali: Does Derek need to bring anything?
M.E.: Side dish.
Ali: Ok, I'll probably have to help him with that. Wait, is anyone bringing drinks? Or can he bring those?
M.E: Nope. Sounds wonderful to me. Maybe he can get a smattering of sparkling drinks, martinellis, lemonades, etc. from Trader Joe's in those beautiful bottles.
Ali: Ok. I will go with him. I can just see it now "Beautiful Bottles" - He'll come back with root beer!

Ali: D, can you bring drinks in pretty bottles?
Derek: I can do that for sure. You mean IBC?

Ha ha ha....

So, then I tell Jackie this conversation and how funny I think it is to which she responds:

"I am pretty sure the only bottle a man would think is 'beautiful' is the kind that has a genie in it!"

It's official men NEED women. Why is it that none of the ones I know want to fully grasp this fact!?!

Deplorable Confession #5192

I fancy myself in the average range of the intellectual spectrum, which is why I feel OK about admitting what I am about to.

It wasn't until about the age of 14 that I realized November 11th was Veteran's Day. Prior to that I thought it was Veterinarian’s Day... What?!? I grew up in Santa Barbara... they were all about PETA, so it made sense to me back then. It seemed TOTALLY legitimate. Ok... I know... I am retarded!

In all honesty, I am quite patriotic. Last summer when I was at SeaWorld, they honored the military men and women and I cried... which is BIG, since I am mostly dead inside. I have such love for this country. And, I have such profound reverence for all military men and women, past and present. (I even watch Army Wives... I chalk it up to patriotism). I just wanted to thank all those who fight for our country. I don’t honestly know too many soldiers. But, my Grandfather was one. Jonny Volcansek is one, I think. Seth Malley is a gimpy one. And, my cousin, Sandra’s husband is a military man, as well. Thank you to all of you (those that I know and those I do not know) who have fought for our freedom.

Also, you Veterinarians are cool too... I guess. Maybe someday you WILL actually get a day of dedication to honor your noble profession... but, more than likely, you won't... sorry about that!

My 27 Dresses Moment...

Ok, seriously, I have probably only been a bridesmaid about 6 or 7 times. But, still...

This was one of my very favorite weddings.

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends in all the world got married to one of the best men alive.

Most of the guests were people I know, so that also added to the excitement and joy.

I seriously LOVE Robin & Cody.

So... here it is...

Introducing Mr. & Mrs. Orvin

My newest "toy" - proof

So ... I am no grand photographer or anything... but, I took my new SLR camera out for a spin last night at the Pumpkin Patch...

and, well... I LOVE IT!

This has to be said...

Fortune Cookies have gone downhill!

Today I got a fortune cookie with 2 fortunes.

Bonus... right?!?

Wrong!

They were both stupid.

I can't even remember what the first one said. But, the second one said something like "your sports team will perform well in the upcoming week."

WHATEVER!

Remember when I was going to let fortune cookies dictate my life?!?

I think we should just get rid of them altogether.

That's right. I am fickle!

Photo Booth Fun!

So, this weekend I got to be the bridesmaid in one of my best friend's wedding. It was such a blast. And, such an honor. The wedding was beautiful and perfect. I have tons of photos... but, I need to get around to getting them on the blog. Until then, I will upload the pictures taken from the photo booth at the wedding.

Yes, there was a photo booth. And, it goes with the story of Cody and Robin. They got engaged in a photo booth... at the fair... because Robin loves the fair... and photos... and is super sentimental, so to document her getting proposed to, Cody proposed IN the photo booth. I was waiting on the fair grounds to see her on her happy day... and, of course, I had my camera to document the memorable night outside the photo booth.

So, not only was there a photo booth at the wedding to accompany their story, there were also props! That's right. Robin and Cody got to keep a strip of each photo session to document all those who attended the wedding. And, the other strip was give to those in the photos.

Since I was a bridesmaid, I was pretty pre-occupied with my duties. But, I did make it into the booth a few times. And, this was what happened...

Tracy's Girls

Roommates

BFFs

Numero Tres - the Chicago Marathon

Official Chicago Marathon Version

Feel the excitement of the race as you run underneath Columbus Drive - with music blaring, feet clapping on the pavement and rows of cheering spectators above you, you'll feel your adrenaline pumping! Miles 1 & 2: Tour Chicago's scenic Streetville Neighborhood, towering with architecturally acclaimed skyscrapers, and look for the famous Chicago Theater as you approach mile 2 on State Street. Mile 3: Ever wonder how Chicago maintains its reputation as a financial hub and global leader? Check out the financial district - you're running through it! Mile 6: Hear something howling just east of you? Do not fear - lurking in the shadows of the city's skyscrapers, you are gliding through one of Chicago's largest green spaces: Lincoln Park Zoo. Mile 8: Get ready to get your groove on in "Boystown"! One of the most entertaining, spectator-friendly and famous places on the course, let the all male cheerleading squad of boystown put a little pep in your step. Mile 10: As you turn onto the beautifully tree-lined Sedgwick Street, you will hit one of the loudest spots on the course. The thunderous yells and cadenced applause of the endless crowds will send chills up and down your spine. Mile 16: You've passed the halfway point, and after heading west for two miles you've turned back east. You can finally look up and take a deep breath and get a snapshot of the entire city skyline. Inhale the beauty and exhale the wonder. 10 miles to go. Miles 19-20: No bonking ahead! Let the rhythms of the Mariachi bands playing along 18th street in Pilsen help you through Chinatown. Mile 22: Enter the dragon. Prepare to be awed by the colorful dynamic costumed dragon cheering you through Chinatown. Mile 23: Keeping it steady and strong, capture a glimpse of IIT's famous campus. Focus on the stunning and innovative architectural design of Mies Van Der Rohe, Myron Goldsmith, Rem Koolhaas and Hulmet Jahn before you make one of your final turns on Michigan Avenue. Mile 26: Hello "Mount Roosevelt"! As you vigorously stride into the homestretch, you power over the highest elevation point on the course - 24 feet. Mile 26.2. Celebrate your accomplishment and relive the journey you've just taken and the mark you've just made. Congratulations.

My Version

At the start line among 40,000 other people. Whoa. There are A LOT of people here. I can't see in front of me or behind me. I am packed in like a sardine. But, at least it's keeping me warm! Is it really 36 degrees?!? What is it with me and running marathons...??? What is it with me and running marathons in inclement weather??? At least it's not raining! This is going to be better than last year??? THIS IS GOING TO BE BETTER THAN LAST YEAR!!! Man it’s cold! How do people live here?!? Good thing my dad bought me this REALLY ugly disposable jacket and gloves. I think we are FINALLY moving. Oh crap, I can't get this fancy-schmancy new GPS watch that Seth lent me to work. I knew I should have used mine! Mile 1.5: Is that man really running with one leg and crutches?!? That's crazy. And, he's fast. I HAVE to pass that guy, he only has one leg! Ok, passed him... whew. Mile 7: Am I still running? I don't really feel like running anymore! Ugh... why do I keep signing up for these things? It's so bloody cold! Mile 8: Oh my gosh, the sun!!! FINALLY!!! Good-bye disposable gloves. Miles 8.5 - 9: Wait! What happened to the sun?!? My hands are freezing. My hands are freezing. My hands are freezing. Luckily I am running with a pack of sport jelly beans (yes, I did take candy… none of you are surprised). It seems like whichever hand the bag of beans is in is WAY less cold than the other. Great, I am never going to be able to actually eat these! Oh, this is pretty. These houses are gorgeous. If it wasn’t so bloody cold, maybe I could live here. They do have great shopping. Miles 10 -13: Look there is a pair of gloves someone disposed of, is it unsanitary to pick them up and use them?!? Yes... it is right?!? Oh, look there is another pair of gloves, can I use those... no. Oh look, another pair of gloves… etc., etc. etc. for 3 miles. Mile 13: Does that mile marker up there say 18?!? Oh my gosh, I am making such good time... wait... I think that's actually a 13. Man, I need new contacts. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! I AM ONLY HALF WAY DONE WITH THIS BLOODY RACE!?!?! Mile 14: There's an aid station. I wonder if they would give me some of their plastic sanitary gloves they have to use. Cool. I'll just wear these. They are making my hands warm and even kind of sweaty. And, now I can finally EAT these sport beans, whew. Mile 15: Ummmm, I think maybe I look like the lunch lady with these gloves on. Oh well, I get to keep my hands. Mile 16: I SO look like a lunch lady. Mile 18: Is that guy giving out beer? What the... Mile 19: Do I still look like a lunch lady? Yep. But, I am not going to have to amputate my hands. Mile 20: Where's my brother? I need to find my brother, is that him... no... what about that guy? ... no. Mile 22: I guess I missed Mark... but, I was so preoccupied looking for him that I don't even remember running that past 3 miles, so that's good. Mile 23: Am I still running?!? WHY AM I STILL RUNNING! Mile 23.5: That guy is wearing a Fred Flinstone costume... did he just pass me?!? … yep, there he goes. He sure looks crazy... and weird... and warm! Wait, do I still look like a lunch lady?!? ... yep. Mile 24: Is that the finish line?!? Cool, I think it is. It looks ssssoooo close! I can do this. Mile 25: Why did they show me the finish line?!? I feel like I just got punk’d. It's like I am almost done, but I am NEVER going to get there. One more mile and I'll see my parents. Yipee. Mile 26: I am done... no wait... I still have .2 to go!!! I... can't... run... anymore... ugh... Finish line: Aaaaahhhh done! A little under 4 and a half hours. Yes, best time yet! That was fun. I totally want to do that again. I wonder when I can do another one. Beyond the finish line: OH MY GOSH! WHY DID MY PARENTS PARK SO BLOODY FAR AWAY! I AM GOING TO DIE! I wonder if they have a wheelchair I can borrow. I should have brought money so I could take a cab. I... CAN'T... MOVE. I wonder if this is permanent? I NEED FOOD. Oh, I see my parents. They are so cute and wonderful. My parents rock! Oh, they look so close, but it feels SO far away. I... DON'T WANT TO MOVE ANYMORE!

My newest "toy"

I can't wait to take pictures with it!

So, here's the deal...

Sometimes when parts of my body are sore, I just ASSUME I have cancer there.

And, sometimes when I get really thirsty, I just ASSUME I am diabetic.

But, I have NEVER actually made an appointment with the doctor to verify any of these assumptions.

Therefore, I am NOT a hypochondriac! Right?!?

Although one time this guy had me all but convinced that I had contracted lock jaw from a rusty fence that impaled me... but, that time I ACTUALLY did get a tetanus shot, so...

P.S. Jackie says she thought she had Lou Gehrig's Disease for all of the early 90s. So, I am totally normal!

I am in the mood for...

Tights!

So, imagine my excitement when Anthropologie had 8 pages devoted solely to legwear... HEAVENLY.

Unfortunately, I don't want to look like an 80s couch...




Or, an equestrian...



Or, a wench who works in a brothel...



Or, a fall clown...

Or, a 12-year-old!

I can't imagine where anyone would actually wear these ridiculous tights!?! They did have some cute ones too, so I should give Anthro some credit. But, I am thinking less crazy more chic!

Any suggestions?

P.S. I DO know that I owe some legitimate blog posts on the more eventful parts of my life, such as finishing my 3rd marathon and all the fun that accompanied it in Chicago, playing mom for an entire weekend, and soon my 27 dresses moment (which is truthfully only 6)... and I promise to get around to it, just as soon as I do some other things, like clean my room (which is currently in a status that might merit FEMA relief AGAIN)!

What the...??? Who the...??? How the...???

Seriously?!?

I mean, really?!?

Did Barack Obama really just win the Nobel Peace Prize?!?

For what?!?

Oh, I am sorry... here it is "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between the peoples."

What?!? What does that even mean?!?

He was only in office for 11 days prior to the deadline submission for the Nobel Peace Prize. Anyone remember him doing anything extraordinary?!? I swear all he did was pick out a dog for his kids that first 11 days!

Poor Nelson Mandela, and Mother Teresa, and Kofi Annan, and Henry Kissinger and Mikhail Gorbachev and Martin Luther King, Jr. and... If I were one of them, I might return the Nobel Peace Prize back to those nutty Norwegians.

It seems as if the award comes without accomplishment or validity these days.

My friend Rob Colson said it best "at least when they gave it to Al Gore he had singlehandedly stopped Global Warming by inventing the Internet."

Ha ha ha... I guess the Nobel Peace Prize has been devoid of any real accomplishment for a while now.

Harold & Kumar didn't give up...

I went to Arizona with Holly for the weekend. We had such a blast!

We stayed with my cute cousin Kylee and her roommates Jodi (who was sent from God to make life better with her cooking and make-up artistry) and Meridith (who was actually named Miranda... who knew?!?).

And, Velda (who was also sent from God, but to make life better with her hospitality and sweetness and mothering skills), Jeremy and Tyler took us to Saguaro Lake most of Saturday to wake board and wake surf. I hadn't done either of those for a long time. And, I forgot how fun it is to be in a boat and also behind one! But, I must admit that I am tragically sore! I did alright, for not having practiced much, and when I fell (and I DID fall plenty) I did it in style.

And, of course, I HAD to go to Cafe Rio. It was GOOD! But, I must admit, it tastes better in Vegas and Utah... maybe AZ was just having an off night... because I couldn't possibly be getting over it!

Also, we went to see The Invention of Lying. And, although we were all falling asleep because we're old and we spent the better part of the day on a boat, we all LOVED it. It's funny!

And, we tried something different - Joe's Farm Grill, which Holly saw on the Food Network and which was DIVINE.

But, one of the funniest parts of that trip happened on the way home. Holly and I were looking over the photos of ourselves in bathing suits and we decided that between the two of us, we wanted to spend the next 5 weeks playing "The Biggest Loser".

And, we all know how much I love crazy diet-type contests! If I lose more weight than her, she has to re-design my blog (and she is a graphic designer, so it's going to be pretty in 5 weeks... wait for it ;)). And, although I won't lose, if I do, I have to give her $150 to spend in China. And, although I have the marathon (and the atrophy that is sure to happen after it's over) on my side. She has a lot more free time to exercise (and clean her room), than I do. So, we'll see...

Anyway, we decided to bulk up for the challenge, so we'd weigh more in the morning (and more so because we won't be eating many fun things in the next few weeks). So, I REALLY wanted a Blizzard, random I KNOW. Holly got on her phone and located a few (one in Moreno Valley and another in Redlands). Somehow we got lost... like WAY lost in Redlands... then Loma Linda... then Colton. Somewhere along the way Holly starts telling me about Harold & Kumar, which is apparently a movie (I have never seen) where these two tom foolios are stoned and on a mission to get to White Castle (some hamburger joint). P.S. Holly would like me to interject that she saw this movie on TBS. Anywhoooo... she says that our quest is reminding her of that movie.

Fast forward three cities and 30 minutes later. I say, screw it, I just want to get back on the freeway. Holly shouts "No! Harold & Kumar DID NOT give up." I started laughing so hard I was crying. But, we finally found the Dairy Queen. And, it was inside this really shady place called "Fiesta Village", which was like Boomers or Golf N' Stuff. We got our Blizzards AND we got our photos taken AND we got to go on the Super Slide!The moral of the story being...

1.) Don't let anything shatter a dream (no matter how silly or insignificant it may seem).

and

2.) Blizzards really aren't THAT good.

Stuff White People Like

Yesterday my Hispanic friend with a Book of Mormon name sent me this link:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

Such a funny website. We went through the list and discussed what I agreed with and what I didn't. I promised him that I would blog about it. But, there are currently #128 things on the list. Helaman warned me that my blog post might be long, but assured me that if I kept it entertaining he'd read it. I didn't talk about all of them... thank goodness. Hecru, I'll try to keep it entertaining. This one is for you.

I decided that I would put my answers in categories. I came up with 3.

Category #1 - "Guilty" (These are the things listed on the site that fit me perfectly).

#126 - Vespa Scooters - The other day I almost bought one impulsively while driving by a garage sale in Huntington Beach. But, then I thought it might be kind of an expensive impulse buy, plus we don't have a garage, and the chicken coup is pretty full.

#116 - Black music that black people don't listen to anymore - two words... LIONEL RICHIE

#102 - Children's Games as Adults - I MAY or MAY NOT have instigated a game of Red Rover at Youth Conference last summer because I MAY or MAY NOT really actually like that game. And, no MAY or MAY NOTs about it. Two of our almost 29-year-old friends DID toilet paper our house last weekend. I blamed the Beehives in my ward (sorry about that). The boys seemed stoked that I mistook them for 12-year-old girls... WHATEVER.

#77 - Musical Comedies - Enter GLEE. (I am by no means done blogging about my MAD LOVE for GLEE... I will blog more about it later... wait for it...)

#57 - Juno - Well it's SUPER GOOD. All people SHOULD love it.

#56 - Lawyers - I HAVE to love lawyers. I am the spawn of a Harvard educated lawyer. It's in my blood. Luckily my dad hasn't practiced in decades, so I am allowed a bit of leeway there.

#55 Apologies - I am a PROFICIENT apologizer. It's chronic and habitual. And, sometimes I am not even truly sorry, truth be told. But, I am a people-pleaser, so I don't want anyone to be upset with me EVER. Thus, I apologize, even when probably unnecessary. I can't help it.

#54 - Kitchen Gadgets - Again, not an option, my mom works for William-Sonoma. I HAVE to have a Le Crouset pot... and a Kitchen Aid... and a cupcake tower... and a Panini maker... and a ...

#51 - Living by the Water - Yup, I am in. Sign me up... twice.

#45 - Asian Fusion - Did someone say Pei Wei? I have been to Asia... all over Asia. And, with the exception of Thailand, we white people CAN NOT handle authentic Asian food, our stomachs are weak!

#31 - Snowboarding - Pretty true. I don't think I have ever seen and non-Caucasian's snowboard... well.

#27 - Marathons! - Well, I don't ACTUALLY love them and at the same time I do. It's weird...

#26 - Manhattan - it's RAD!

#25 - David Sedaris - He's WICKED funny!

#9 - Making other people feel guilty about not going outside - well, yeah...

Category #2 - Things I MAINLY agree with as being indicative of most "white people" preferences, but not true for me... mainly because I am weird.

#128 Camping - If there are showers and plugs and it's RIGHT ON THE BEACH or VERY NEAR SAND DUNES, sign me up, otherwise, I am out!

#125 - Bob Marley - why is that?!?

#118 - Ugly Sweater Parties and #29 - 80's Night - Every holiday party in Texas is an "Ugly sweater party" a lot of people have those in the South. And, I total remember nights in the 80s, but white people really are the only people that get a kick out of making these into activities.

#108 - Appearing to enjoy classical music. I get that this makes me seem uncultured, but I don't general enjoy it much... sorry.

#120 - Taking a year off, #105 - Unpaid internships, #72 - Study Abroad, and #47 - Art Degrees. - A year off what?!? Worked since I was 17. No thanks. I will take money over experience! Sorry, it's the truth. Only if you have parents that will pay for you to "study abroad". And, no one is going to ask for your art (or music) degree, therefore, you might as well NOT pay for one. Get something useful and practice your talents on the side.

#64 - Recycling, 60 - Prius, #59 - Natural Medicine, #49 - vintage, #48 - Whole Foods Market, #41 Indie Music, and #32 Veganism/Vegetarianism, #15 - Yoga, and #6 - Organic Food. If it's convenient (I know, but I am super LAZY). Hogwash. It's dumb to pay more money for something used than new, WEIRD, WEIRD, WEIRD, WEIRD, and only for people who would rather pay more for the same exact stuff!

#101 - Being Offended - True. Stupid white people... mostly only chics. I can provide a list of white chics I have offended, some repeatedly, most in my family, none intentionally, yet somehow that doesn't seem to matter, because they'd all rather be offended than not.

#96 New Balance Shoes - Mostly true for older white men, like my dad, who has never owned any other kind of sneakers now that I think of it.

#83 - Bad Memories of High School & #17 - Hating their parents. Probably true, but I always LOVED them both.

#75 - Threatening to move to Canada, #62 - knowing what's best for poor people & #8 - NOT hating Barrack Obama (because apparently we are all afraid of being called racist). Canada Smanada, they eat too much cabbage there. No idea how to help poor people, but I always stick money in those cans outside the grocery store. And, Barrack Obama talks a good line... but, hasn't been able to back it up with much yet, so...

#71 - Being the only white person around & #7 Diversity. I am Mormon, so... This would appear untrue for most of us. Sorry, but it's true!

#65- Co-ed Sports & #61 - Bicycles. I HATE THEM BOTH! With the exception of the beach cruiser and beach football.

#39 Netflix - True. Except for my brother-in-law used to manage the online division of Blockbuster, so I got that instead, in support of my family... turns out my brother-in-law and sister have Netflix... SLAM!

#40 Apple Products - Apple is RAD! But, with the exception of the 6 ipods I have purchased (what?!? Turns out I lose things easily) I have a DELL computer, which I LOVE (and get made fun of profusely for) and a Blackberry, which I also LOVE.

#37 - Renovations/Shows about renovations - Blah... unless it's flipped out (which is way more about the CRAZY OCD of Jeff Lewis and way less about renovations), I am BORED!

Category #3 - Really? This is true only for white people? Please bless these things are of interest to all!!!

#113 - Halloween! - Who DOESN'T love love love Halloween?!?

#103 Sweaters, #86 shorts & #84 T-shirts - REALLY?!? Everyone should love ALL of these! And, I think non-Caucasians wear all of these, just usually in a size or two smaller (females) or larger (males) than they should!

#99 Grammar - Good job white people. Everyone should care about it!

#28 Not having a T.V. - I know ZERO white people who don't own a T.V. NOT EVEN ONE. But, truth be told, I don't know ANY PEOPLE who don't own T.V.s! Who would NOT own a T.V.??? - That's just plain silly!

#4 Assists - This one cracked me up! Probably true, but definately not true of ENOUGH white (or any other) people.

Musings from the homeless guy

The homeless man outside our office comes and goes.

The other day he and his girlfriend (who sometimes wears a bikini, although we never understand why, it appears she is the definition of wardrobe malfunction, though I think she's just trying to get her game on) were having what we like to call "a house party" on our street corner. She was giving the homeless guy a haircut. It was actually kind of tender... in a creepy-those-poeple-are-way-too-close-to-each-other-given-how-rarely-they-shower kind of way.

When he's gone I always joke that someone else will need to compliment me to keep my esteem high. The other day I walked by the reception's desk and she looked up and said "You're pretty." To which I responded. "Why thank you. And, that sure wasn't awkward."

But, Daniel (aka "the homeless guy") came back. And, so now Catherine no longer feels the need to compliment me. Albeit, sometimes she still calls me a "classy hoochie", which she swears is the sincerest form of flattery, but mainly when only when I wear a skirt. And, that RARELY happens because I still can't seem to shave my legs without them looking like I am intentionally a cutter.

Anyhoooooo... I went to get my daily coke(s) a few minutes ago. And, I couldn't avoid meeting face-to-face with Daniel, because he was laying in the doorway.

Homeless Guy: You are late.
Me: For what?
Homeless Guy: I have been sitting out here for 2 hours just to get a look at you.
Me: Oh brother.

I go inside to get my beverage of champions from Chu. Then I go back outside.

Homeless Guy: Nice shape baby!
Me: pardon?
Homeless Guy: I said, NICE SHAPE. Don't worry pretty girl it's a compliment. It's not nasty.

Please note. Said homeless guy has no teeth, and sometimes no pants either. Though luckily today he was donning a pair. And, for this, I was grateful. But still REALLY creeped out.

I LOVE cake.

That's all.

A glowing endorsement

The receptionist at my office (the one who called me "a good hoochie") said this to me this morning:

"Who could NOT like you? I can't imagine anyone NOT liking you. You are like Mr. Rogers."

Como what?!?

I think it might be the cardigan that threw her off!

Eunice... My Newest Moniker

APPARENTLY, I am not an athletic purest...

Because, personally, I think the hermaphrodite should be able to keep her... errr... his metal or trophy or whatever it is the she-man won for being able to run RIDICULOUSLY fast.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/more/09/11/semenya.withdraws.outrage/index.html

And, the 2nd and 3rd place runners should be fine with that... because they too are really fast AND they get to keep their identifying genders, which is a far greater victory than beating the world record by 2 and 1/2 seconds, only to find out you are not what you thought you were.

I mean, come on... it's got to suck enough to find out that all the time you've been thinking you were just a really not-so-feminine looking chic, you were actually not a chic at all... and then again... not a dude either. So, although all you know is that you can run fast, and you are really good at that! Too bad. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200... or your trophy... or your 1st place title. Sorry, you won't be able to do anything with your speed because the sporting world can't figure out what to do with you.

I tried to find a few reasons why being a hermaphrodite wouldn't suck. This is what I came up with:

1. You can use both the girls and the boys public restrooms.
2. Banana Slugs, Snails and Clownfish feel your pain.
3. The term Hermaphrodite stems from both Greek Legends Hermes (Messenger of the gods) and Aphrodite (Goddess of love and beauty and sexual desire).
4. Jamie Lee Curtis MIGHT be one too…

But, the truth is, there is NO way around it... seriously, it would suck.

I am on Team Hermaphrodite!

My newest goal in life: Campaigning for Hermaphrodite sports!

Just call me the Eunice Kennedy Shriver of Hermaphrodite Athletics... I mean, you might as well... Jackie has been calling me "Eunice" all day. She has also been taking a poll "hermaphrodite-defender" or "athletic purest".

Team Hermaphrodite - 2

Team Athletic Purist - 2

I am too afraid to ask anyone else that works here... I am pretty sure they all already think I am weird, this would REALLY do me in.

My Newest Styling Tip

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I have an absurd amount of shoes and clothes. So, one might assume I am quite into fashion. And, I am, in theory. But, in practice, I am just too lazy.


Most days I spend about 30 minutes getting ready, 15 - if I don't choose to shower. So, basically my fashion/style is derived from a lazy place. My newest styling tip is, of course, spawn out of laziness.


TIP: If you don't want to do your hair, just purchase a lot of different hair accessories and stick one of them someplace on your head! It's my latest thing.


Enter Anthropologie, H&M and Forever 21...


Time Spent on hair - Approximately 45 seconds!

P.S. Trust me, I DO realize I might look better if I ACTUALLY did my hair, but for now, this will have to do!