I knew there was a problem...

when the sales clerks kept asking me "would you like a gift receipt?" And, I said "no" EVERYTIME!!!

So, basically after going home and reviewing the gifts I bought I have come to this conclusion:

Either, I get it together today and people MIGHT get real bonafide gifts...

OR

everyone is going to recieve presents from the airport or the drug store.

Let's be honest, we all know what's going to happen. Who wants a t-shirt that says "Orange County"?!?

Just a few random questions about men...

Today was a very interesting day at work.

I wore this outfit (minus the jeans add black dress pants):

My boss told me that I looked like a Christmas Tree today!?! What exactly makes this outfit look like a tree... of any kind?!?

Luckily, another guy came to my defense by saying "You don't really look like a tree. Maybe an ornament. But, don't worry, you look like one of those long ones, not the round ones." Thanks... I think.

Question #1: What is wrong with men?!? Where do they come up with these things?

Then I had to scroll through all of these photos for the year 2008. We give all our Project Managers cameras to take photos of their jobsites, workers, etc. Then they send them to me and I upload them onto our website and once a year I make a slideshow. So anyway, I have to look through thousands of photos to come up with the best ones, which is already tedious enough without having to deal with the following situations:

jobsite photo, laborer, cow, cow, cow, cow taking a dump, cow, cow, cow mounting another cow, cow...

jobsite photo, guy on an excavator, sports car, sports car tires, sports car tire rims, sports car closer up, sports car from a different angle...

jobsite photo, man going into an outhouse, just the outhouse, man coming out of the outhouse, a bunch of laborers plugging their noses an waving their arms...

jobsite photo, hot chic, hot chic minus her head, hot chic on a backhoe, hot chic, hot chic, hot chic, hot chic and her friend...

Question #2: Really? When am I EVER going to use these?!? Why are men so easily distracted? And, entertained? Really?

I came down for a meeting at 4 PM. It was me and 5 guys (Pres., V.P., two Directors and the Estimator). I walk in for the "meeting". There were 6 plates, with tamales on them and plastic forks. Turns out we were having a little snack?!? Apparently, one of these tamales was for me. This meeting was to review a directive I created. I am trying to talk serious with these guys who are all randomly eating tamales! Then they tell me to eat mine. I take one bite and proclaim "I really NOT going to eat this." So, they ate mine. Then they got out the Patron. Welcome to the wonderful world of construction... and my job!

Question #3: What is professional about this? While the effort to include me is laudable, why in the world would I want to conduct a meeting in between bites of tamale? Tamales? What kind of "snack" is that?

The guy that has hemorrhoids in my office (T.M.I.) decided that for Christmas he was going to buy his 19-year-old daughter a new toilet, because she keeps complaining that the toilet in their house sucks (mind you, she doesn't really even live there, because she is in college). He was so proud of himself. Apparently, he thinks this will be the best present she's ever received from him for Christmas. Yikes... I didn't even ask what she got last year... or the year before... or the year before.

Question #4: I don't even really know what to ask here... I guess I'll just go with... seriously?!?!?

P.S. Last night we caught the rat. Dizzy thought she was amazing because she kind of helped Helaman get it out of the attic. But, I think I am amazing because I gave him a name - Steve II(which is apparently the name for all unwanted rats) and felt badly that he had to go. We put him in the trash can... which I am not sure was too sanitary... but... now I have my space heater and christmas stuff!

I REALLY Wish I Could Get To...

1.) All my Christmas Cds.
2.) All my regular Cds.
3.) All my Christmas wrapping paper... in case I ever actually have time to go shopping for Christmas... I literally have bought half of my daddy's present... THE END! But, when I do, what do I wrap these blessed items in!?!
4.) All the junk that I have which could possibly be used for a white elephant gift for my work thingy which is tomorrow... now I have to buy junk?!?
5.) My suitcase.
6.) My space heater.. AND SO I MIGHT FREEZE TO DEATH!!! But, at least I am not dramatic.

But, I can't. Because we apparently have rats. And, my roommate Marci has basically threatened me with my life if I ever open the attic again. And, that is where all the aforementioned items are located.

Damn rats!

Christmas Elves

I am WAY behind on the blog thing.

It's been a busy few weeks for me!

Sweet little Chocolate Covered Kimmy and her wonderful husband Matthew picked up their kids from school almost two weeks ago, bags packed, and took them straight to the airport to fly to Orange County to go to Disneyland (and stay with me)!

Apparently, they were much more elated to see me, than Disneyland! (And, why wouldn't they be?!? - I am amazing AND I have a gum jar! The latter was way more impressive, I assure you!)

We had a blast at Disneyland for 2 days and at the San Diego Wild Animal Park for a day.

And, then Marci and I made them be our little elves. We put them to work on the tree. Each time they slacked off I told them that I was going to beat them. They thought that was really funny. And, I am shocked and amazed that none of them thought I would actually do it. I guess even toddlers realize what a push-over I can be... sad!


Thanks for coming you guys! I love and miss you! See you soon!

MEMPHIS

So, I am in Memphis for a business trip.

I am not going to lie... I kind of dig Memphis!

I have learned many important things here.

1.) This is a self-esteem state, if I have ever been to one. I feel smarter, tanner and thinner than ever before. Although all of the Caucasians who I have seen are visitors, like myself.

2.) Joe Flores has had to remind me that I should not talk to anyone with less than 3 teeth. I can't help it, I talk to everyone! But, I am gradually starting to see his point.

3.) I am in lust with Ron Artest! So, I hear that he is abusive... whatever, I'd let him slap me around a little! We went to a Grizzlies and Rockets game last night and sat in the 6th row. Mostly, I just assaulted Ron Artest with my eyes! But, Gasol was a really good player, as was Mayo! And, the AMAZING thing is that I actually remembered these fools names, cause I am really bad with sports information.

Ron Artest (Above Above) and Ming Yao or Yao Ming (Above) - I can't be bothered to learn names that are this ridiculous for people who are this ridiculously tall.

4.) Graceland is not a must-see place. Although, it WAS interesting in a way. It reminds me of the Mona Lisa. You HAVE to see it, because you know about it. But, no one ever really says "You HAVE to go to Graceland!" Just, like no one ever says "You HAVE to see the Mona Lisa!" You just do!

J. Flo thought that this was too much of a poser picture and REFUSED to get in the shot with me.

5.) Elvis was a HOT MESS! The sad thing I learned at Graceland is that more people watched his return to entertainment, than watched the first man land on the moon... and to that all I have to say is PEOPLE PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!!! What's the big deal anyway?

But, don't worry, I bought an Elvis Christmas ornament... from a guy who only had 3 teeth!!!

I better go, Flores is amusing me by driving with me into Arkansas and then to Mississippi... they are both so close, so I am dying to see them (although, I presume they will all look the same)!

The biggest Loser (and I am not talking about weight here people)

It's nearing the end of the year, so I am thinking it's high time to select some 2008 winners and losers.

The biggest Loser of 2008 (winning by a landslide in my opinion)...

O.J. Simpson!

But, since I am a kind soul, I want to help him out a little.

Dear O.J.

I know that you chose a career that afforded you way too many blows to the head.  And, perhaps that is where you lost every brain cell you were ever given.  I, personally, am thrilled that you were recently found guilty.  KARMA, I say.  I think you deserve to go to prison for killing your ex and that Ron fellow.  But, seriously, was it worth the 9 to 33 year prison sentence you'll receive to steal back your own stuff?!?  Next time, maybe you should hit up Steve and Barry's or the USC bookstore and buy a jersey and/or a football and just sign it!  Just in case you forgot, you ARE still O.J. Simpson!   But, whatever!

XOXO

Ali

Dear Mom (Again)...

Although I have never tried conceiving a child of my own volition, this plan seems better than the normal alternative...

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/10/56yearold_woman_gives_birth_to.html

What do you think?

How much do you love me?

You ARE in great shape!

Let me know.

Who needs a fortune cookie...

...when one of your besties says:

"Guys are like dogs. They can sense when you are uncomfortable."

~ the glorious Robin Bendheim ~

Calling All Twilight Fans...

Help me!?!

Remember how I was supposed to read Twilight before the movie on Friday?!?

Well, I didn't.

I didn't even start.

So, I have a conundrum! I have to show up in a shirt that says either "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob".

I don't know a thing about them. I actually just got a lesson on the difference between a Werewolf and a Vampire.

I am leaning toward the Teen Wolf guy, because, well, I really LOVED that movie, when I was 12!

So, tell me whose name I put on my shirt. And, why?!?

We only have 48-hours people, so advise me quickly!

7 things Tag...

I have been "tagged" so many times lately, so I am actually going to just do this once and direct everyone to the blog for answers!

7 Things Tags

7 Things I Can Do...
1. Laugh until I cry and my sides are sore.
2. Make other people laugh until they cry and their sides are sore.
3. Eat candy for every meal.
4. French braid (my nieces LOVE this about me)
5. A front handspring (still)!
6. Lift heavy things (I have freakish upper body strength - ask anyone!) But I can't do a push-up, how does that work?!?
7. Write RIDICULOUSLY long and complicated Government proposals.

7 Things I Can't Do...
1. Sleep through the night (most nights).
2. Communicate well, when it matters.
3. Figure out how many shoes are "enough".
4. Keep presents to give to people for the occasions I purchased them for. (If I bought it on Monday, I MIGHT be able to wait until Tuesday, if I am lucky - even if it's a birthday present to be given months away.)
5. Figure out how to use a bluetooth!
6. Stay warm enough.
7. Say "No".

7 Things I always say...
1. Yes, Please.
2. Remember when...
3. Nobody likes you, everybody told me.
4. What's up, little pup?
5. Seriously???
6. Let's be honest.
7. Is everyone OK? Or, Does anyone need anything? (I can't help it.)

7 Things I Always Eat/Drink...
1. Diet Coke.
2. BBQ chicken salad (no cheese).
3. ANY CANDY EVER MADE.
4. Pei Wei/P.F. Changs.
5. Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream.
6. Egg Beaters.
7. O+ Yogurt.

7 Things I LOVE...
1. Anything with Ruffles and Bows.
2. Talking to my nieces and nephews on the phone.
3. Target!
4. Fresh Flowers/plants.
5. Being Outdoors/Running.
6. My family and friends.
7. My job.

7 Things I don't like...
1. Ice Cream Men (I find them creepy).
2. Crocs (I don't think grown-ups should wear plastic shoes).
3. Outhouses (No explanation needed).
4. Poor Grammar.
5. Cheese!
6. Elitists.
7. That I get frustrated with other people for things I am not good at myself.

7 Things Not Many People Know About Me...
1. When I was little I wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist.
2. I have NEVER had a cavity or broken a bone.
3. The doctors had to break my mom's tailbone with a mallet in order to get me out of her womb
4. I was in the first grade twice.
5. I am not as tall as most people think (5 feet 8.75 inches).
6. Even though I don't cry often for myself, I cry for other people all the time!
7. I was born right outside of Washington D.C. and although I moved when I was 5, I STILL miss the seasons.

A Christmas Homage

My roommates let me decorate our house for Christmas last week. I don't care if any of you think it's too early. Thanksgiving is too late this year, and I am NOT waiting for it to be over, so I just did it. I already listen to Christmas music too, mostly just Lionel Richie Christmas, or whatever Marci has playing from her MacBook.

Every time I look at the "stockings", I think of my dear sweet friend Morgan... (and Flo Rida)

"... Boots with the fur..."

CAKE AVERSION! (I never thought it would happen, but I am there!)

Yesterday was a great day. It was the day one of my favorite people in the whole world was born, my sister, chocolate covered Kimmy. She’s the greatest oldest sibling a girl (or boy) could ever ask for. She always made such wise decisions, forging a path that we all tried to follow. She is, by far, my favorite shopping buddy. She is beautiful inside and out. She is an amazing mother and wife, a wonderful sister and a fabulous daughter, although she’d never allow herself to believe it! She's erudite, yet humble (a very rare combination). Her children are my world (along with Adam & Julie’s and Ryan & Jennica’s). I think of her often and thank God for her always! Happy Birthday big sis! In honor of your special day, I have a confession, I have kept it to myself all these years - I used to sneak into your room and spray your perfume on me and listen to your Suzy Q record when you were gone at drama rehearsals… I couldn’t help it, I kind of idolized you (and Suzy Q) and still do (well, obviously not Suzy Q – anymore). It was also Grace Kelly’s birthday. And, Charles Manson’s. And, my boss’s brother, Mike. And, mine.

For those of you who are new to this world (or this blog) or have never met me, so therefore do not know, I am a people-pleaser… always have been, always will be! I have tried “tough love” when I thought it mattered, or would work, but I suck at it. Really, I ALWAYS cave, not just a little - A LOT. I try to hold my ground, but somehow I always end up apologizing… I am trying to work on this. (I better marry a rock or my kids have no hope of turning out decent, we all know I will feed them crap and ALWAYS cave to their demands… shoot the list is getting longer, not shorter!) However, I have figured out that I do have a Facebook spine. If you try to add me and I 1.) don’t know you; 2.) am a little uncertain as to whether or how I know you; 3.) know you, but never see you and don't care if I ever will; 4.) never particularly cared for you or 5.) don’t care AT ALL what you’re up to or how your life is going, I WILL hit “ignore” if you try to add me as a friend… I am kind of a Facebook snob! What can I say? (If you are related to me and you fall into one or more of the 5 aforementioned categories, I will still add you… and never tell you that you fell into one (or more) of those categories, because I’ll more than likely see you again, and that could get awkward… for me, of course…) Morgan informed me that I do have a virtual spine… that’ll have to do until I find my real one.

Anyway, since I am one year older and wiser and still spineless and apparently really well adored (ha ha ha), I ate cake 5x within a 24-hour period. I had to! I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, of course (and let’s be honest, I LOVE CAKE). But, even I have my limits, or would, if I had a spine!

First, darling little Angela Graham made me a cake for YW, it was Funfetti… which I LOVE. And, my YW sang to me… they are SO cute… I LOVE them all… (which is why I am still planning on reading Twilight by next week, but I haven’t started… so that’s not gonna happen).

Second, my assistant at work, Roxanne, who I have only known for a month, but adore more than words, made me cupcakes! They had fondant??? on them. They were so pretty and very yummy. So, I ate one (at 10 AM – yikes). She also went around the office and told all the boys it was my birthday. I had successfully kept it under wraps for 5 years now, because I am sneaky like that… and they’re men, so let’s face it, even if I wore one of those cone hats, with a pom pom on top and that elastic around the chin that could drive a girl to drink, they still wouldn’t make the mental leap that it was my birthday - it would be a whole bunch of guys shrugging their shoulders and thinking “huh, Ali must be in a hat phase or something.” For the first year ever, they all wished me a happy birthday. And, took cupcakes.

Third, the girls downstairs took me to PF Changs, where I got a ridiculous fortune. “You will soon play in a group sport, be cooperative.” News flash, I don’t play team sports, because I am people pleaser, and I wouldn’t want to perform badly and have anyone mad at me. Plus, that's a LAME fortune. And, I got the Great Wall of Chocolate Cake (which I generously shared with my co-workers, thank goodness! Little did I know, I’d have to eat cake 2 more times by the night’s end).

Fourth, M.E. Clayton (the great) and her sweet sweet mom, Lisa bought me Sprinkles Cupcakes, which, if you don’t already know, are DIVINE. There were 4 of them (pumpkin, strawberry, black/white and red velvet - yummy!) and again, I shared!

Then my amazing roommates and darling friends took me to Pei Wei (Clearly, some of you thought Plan #2 from last week might have been a joke… nope… today, it was not!) Since, it was my birthday I opened a bazillion fortune cookies (luckily I did not actually eat even one of them). I got all loser fortunes/statements! GO FIGURE! “Your clever mind will lead you to many rewards,” “Today is a good day for being with a companion,” “If you go fishing, your catch will be plentiful.” (I so wish, I was kidding, these are quoted verbatim. The Peking Noodle Company MAY want to consider getting some new employees). Out of a dozen or so fortunes, I never found even one I liked (of my own accord). So, because it was my birthday (and I kept reminding Robin that it was my birthday and I needed a good fortune, namely HER good fortune), Robin gave me hers and I loved it “Family is more valuable then money. But, you will have both!” - Yipee. Plan #2 accomplished. Now, I can work on Plan #3 and believe me, after yesterday's diet, I need it.

Fifth, we went home and the girls gave me another Funfetti cake, (which, let’s review, I LOVE) made by Morgan the fabulous! And, of course, I ate a whole piece WITH ice cream (mint chip AND oreo). All day I had on this cute little party dress (because, hello that’s what all little girls do on their birthday and I am dying to be young again… so, I just fake it…) And, I even had tights on, which by the end of the night started to roll over my pouchie tummy which was ridiculously full of cake and on down to my hips, and for the first in forever, I totally felt like I was 8 again!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I really do have amazing friends and family! (But my favorite well wish of the day came from Brett, knowing how I adore Kate Spade, all the way from Montana via Facebook “I can't find Kate Spade shoes to gift you in MT but I did find some that look like what David Spade wore in the early 90's- they're on their way!” And, an honorable mention goes to my 7-year-old niece, Haley, who sang her heart out to me, then asked how many candles my friends were putting on my cake and quickly stated “I hope they don’t put them all on, that could start a fire.” - Thanks for that Haley.

The best laid plans... "Oh well, everybody has a choice!"

So, as we are all brutally aware, I am not a Type-A personality. I have never been that much of a life planner. But, every few years I look back on my life and think, ‘I should’ve had a plan’.

So, throughout the week I have come up with a few of them… plans, that is. And, most of them are brilliant if you ask me.

But, before you read these, I would like to insert a disclaimer: If you are a member of PETA or the ACLU or are offended by statements and opinions that are not politically correct, you might not want to read this post. If not, carry on…

Plan #1:
Come election time, EVERYONE has a plan, right? Even this lady … what the…???

http://www.ktla.com/landing/?Woman-Only-Gives-Candy-to-McCain-Support=1&blockID=124198&feedID=1080

Therefore, my first brilliant plan stemmed from the most recent election, in which a lot of RIDICULOUS propositions passed (and so did Prop 8 defining marriage as ONLY between a man and a woman – which I fully supported). One of the absurd propositions that passed was Proposition 2 – Standards for Confining Farm Animals which in a nutshell creates a new state statute that prohibits the confinement of farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs! It does so to the tune of some millions or billions of dollars (bonded, of course, because we’re broke here in California). RIDICULOUS… more leg room, what are we… Jet Blue?!? My boss came in on Wednesday asked if we had to pay people to take the chickens out for a walk now. And, if we’d have to ask the cows if they’d be willing to let us milk them, after we’ve appropriately massaged their utters, of course.

Anywhoo…the news was quoting (for days) one of the first lesbian partners to sue the state after the passing of Proposition 8. She said California was the only state where chickens had more rights than gays. Oh man, this made me laugh. Sort of distorted, but hilarious. Aaron suggested that we just put all the lesbians in a cage and call it good. All these new laws/statutes, crazy political views, half-witted comments and a flippant conversation with my best friend created this beauty of a plan: We SHOULD put all the lesbians in a cage, and charge a fee for all patrons wishing to view this lesbian farm. Clearly, since guys are proportedly wildly into this sort of thing, we would be able to earn FAR more than we lost economically (and omit the need for a bond). The excess revenue would then be split among me and my best friend(s), which we would more than likely turn around and spend at the mall, single-handedly bolstering the entire U.S. economy! Done and done! I will let you all know when this plan gets off the ground.

Plan #2
Sometimes (OK, most of the time), I wish someone else would just tell me what to do with my life, because I am lazy and not good at planning!

But, no one will. So, I have decided to turn my future over to the Peking Noodle Company! My second plan is this: I am going to eat at an Asian restaurant for every meal until I get a fortune that I like!

Has anyone noticed that fortunes in general are hard to come by? I swear my most recent "fortunes" have been extremely generic and cheesy “People enjoy the smile you show to the world” (vomit) or “the world is a better place because you’re in it” (crap) or "someone needs to feel the love you have to share.” (whatever!) Dear Peking Noodle Company, these are not fortunes, they’re compliments, warm-fuzzies, statements of reaffirmation! When I get a fortune cookie, I expect a fortune! I am entitled to a fortune! Maybe you could work on that! I did get this one the other day “You will take a chance in the near future and win!” That’s pretty good, I guess. But, I still have to DO something! I am too lazy for that! So here’s what I am looking for “Don’t worry, you can totally sit on your couch in your PJs, someday your husband will just show up. It’ll happen.” Until then, any suggestions for restauarants. Right now I am alternating between P.F. Changs and Pei Wei (making that Corporation AND the Peking Noodle Company, much to my chagrin, very profitable).

*** My best friend would like me to go on the record as stating that she is vehemently opposed to any plan that would make me weigh 300 pounds by the end of the year! Whatever! What does she know?!? ***

Plan #3
I went to see Madonna yesterday, Britney made a brief cameo and so did Justin (4 minutes, I presume). Anyway, I could not take my eyes off Madonna (and this REALLY wasted girl in front of me that was trying unsuccefully to put on her sweater on for about 15 minutes, but couldn’t locate the arm holes. I couldn’t stop laughing, and Jo wouldn’t let me help her out because it would take away our entertainment).

The whole time I was at this concert I kept thinking about how incredibly rad Madonna’s body is (and how I so hoped that the drunk lady had a ride home because CLEARLY she shouldn’t be driving if she can’t even put on her sweater)! Anywhoo… back to Madonna. She has like ZERO body fat. Her arms are amazing! Her abs are so cut! And, her thighs do not touch AT ALL! I covet her body. I mean she’s 51 (I think ) and she has three kids (one of which she bought, so that doesn’t really count) and she was singing AND double-dutch jump roping AT THE SAME TIME. I can do neither (not separately, nor together). Which brings me to my third plan. I am never going to eat M & Ms again!

This plan will work only until I actually SEE a M & M, of course! Then I have to say, I will immediately eat one or 500 and revert back to Plan 2… because clearly I am going to have to decide between the two, it does not seem feasible to do both! We all know Plan #2 is going to win out! Hello, even if my mouth was wired shut… a few M & Ms would still manage to get in there somehow!

In the spirit of election season (and because I am amazingly computer saavy)… I’d like to conduct a poll. Vote on the plan you like best:

Week in Review (Mostly Quotes Edition)

I just got home from work! This is why I deserve Kate Spade shoes from Joe! I also worked most of the day Saturday, so... I didn't have much of a life to blog about... and all of my free time goes to YW or to assuage my conscience about Prop 8 (I am afraid if it doesn't pass, I may have to hide) and I don't have time to upload any of the photos from Halloween yet (plus, we used Wendy's camera, so I may never see those pictures)... so this is basically the mostly quotes edition.

On Friday, one of my favorite people ever born had a birthday! Happy Birthday Jody. I know I hardly ever see you, but I think about you ALL the time. You are such an amazing example to me. You have always been and will always be one of the most loyal friends I have ever known!

We went to lunch for Jody's birthday, just the 4 of us (Meg, Claire, Jody and I - we SO missed you Paige!) And Meridith (aka Meg) said the funniest thing "I try to be upfront when I go out on dates these days. I let the guys know right away that I am down to my down syndrome eggs."

Then on Saturday, totally out of the blue Robin says "You guys, you know what's really gonna suck? Having to listen to Elmo songs in the car!" I am assuming she's thinking of being a mom and not changing her current music tastes.

My roommate Marci was watching me check all of my friends blogs and she said to me "all of your friends have kids!" To which I replied "Well yea, ALL of my friends have kids, SOME of my friends even have grandkids, in case you forgot, I am like 100!" (Clearly, I am feeling a little old).

Debra, Jean and I all got Facebook (in case you missed last weeks review) for our YW girls so we could check up on them and keep abreast on their day-to-day lives. Debra says to me so-and-so "walled me, is that what it's called? Walled?" I told her that I wasn't sure, but honestly I don't think that 's how you say it... because it totally made me laugh.

"He gave you a ring pop when you were like 6 years old, get over it already!" -Blair Waldorf (what??? I am obsessed!)

That's it... that's all... I have to finish working! (Plus, Wendy just brought me Pick Up Stix - she's amazing).

"You're not very good at this, are you?"

I am not feeling very civic minded lately. Besides being very apathetic to the current Presidential candidates, there are other things that are making me feel very dispassionate about the politics and laws of this state/country.

First off, who decided that the speed limit on the freeways should be 65 MPH? How would I go about establishing a Proposition to change that? Maybe I could call the Stiles girls. I bet they'd get it done!

Second off, who decided that we can't talk on our cell phones when we are driving... (OK, this one is rhetorical, I actually voted for this law, since I think it's a good law, but... can I get just one freebie???)

I don't have enough time in my days... so I have to multi-task and do it FAST (thus phone talking and speeding)!

Today I got pulled over for the 3rd time in the last few months... uh oh. I can tell I am getting old and less attractive, because I no longer get out of tickets... my prettiest smile is failing me miserably! I am also pretty certain my flippant and caustic personality doesn't work well with cops! I used to be sweeter... it worked better!

Today I was going 84 mph on the freeway and I got pulled over, lights, siren AND the megaphone were used. And, once I pulled off the road, I had this conversation:

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well, I could probably guess.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Ummm, pretty fast, I guess.
Cop: Did you see me before you sped past me?
Me: Obviously not, or I would have slowed down.
Cop: You're really not good at this, are you?
Me: Not really, I think I am supposed to cry, right?
Cop: laughs
Me: Turns out, I am really not good at that either. I am sort of dead inside.
Cop: What?
Me: Are you going to give me a ticket?
Cop: Yea.

So, I WAS speeding (twice) and talking on my cell phone once. I am woman enough to admit it.

Here's what is unlawful in my eyes... I had to pay $358 for going 61 in a 45 in Chino. Are you kidding me??? I am pretty sure in this economy I could buy ALL of Chino for about $325!

I wonder how much the going rate is for Santa Ana? But, more importantly I wonder how much more than that I'll have to pay for speeding there!

I hope no one wanted a Christmas present!

Also, did any of you know that there are additional propositions on the ballot (not just Proposition 8)? Who knew... :)

One of them is Prop 4... I am not even going to pretend to know the semantics of it, but the ad they are running says "Think outside your bubble..." Is this really a good tactic to get someone to vote the way you want??? It's sort of... patronizing, to say the least.

And, Prop 2... really, who cares about chickens!?! I don't mean to sound heartless, but CLEARLY we have bigger problems with our state than worrying if the chickens get a penthouse before we turn them into chick-fil-a nuggets. Don't they have ridiculously small mental capabilities anyway? Do they know how little room they have? I mean really? I bet we could easily confuse them… Let's just put on some loud music and make them think it's squishy because they're at a concert! We can't afford to pay more for chicken; especially with the going rate of speeding tickets! CLEARLY the economy is in dire straits... I mean I just paid $358 for ONE speeding ticket, we must have it rough!

WeekS in Review... Oct. 13 - whatever today it is.

I never got around to reviewing the week before the last one, so just for my mom we're doing weeks in review... Let's hope I can remember what it was I was up to 14 days ago???

I went to Saint Rocke to see Sharon Little, Schulyer Fisk and Matt White. It was a fun concert and a really cute venue in Manhattan Beach (thanks Morgs for finding it). But, we had to go through some rough parts of town. Most people would say they didn't want to live there. But, not Robin, she said "If I lived here, I would go to CVS EVERY day." (I love Robin, she is such a dork sometimes). - For those of you who don't know CVS is a drug store, nothing to get excited about, but the most high class place we'd seen for a while. We stopped at one of them to get candy (of course) and took it to the concert. Diz turned to us and said "Why do I feel like I am at the movies???"

Then I got to go home to Texas! Yipee. Chloe got baptized. I can't believe she's already 8!!! She was so cute! After her baptism we went to the Larson School Carnival. My sister Kimberly's kids are OBSESSED with Chick-fil-a. It's cute. Anytime there is chick-fil-a they all rave about what a good party it is. The cow mascot was at the fair and my nephew Ethan turned to me and said "it's the cow from chick-fil-a, I KNEW he'd be here!" Maybe you had to be there, but it was SO funny.

But, the best part of my trip was the part where my mom tried to set me up with Aaron, the guy who does their pond. Sure, he did know quite a bit about fish and algae, but he had a long grey ponytail and tattoos, lots of tattoos, but not the cool kind, the naked pin-up lady kind AND he was old! Apparently, it has come to this! My mom tried to ho me out to the gardener. Fortunately for me he was married!

This week was extremely busy. I can't seem to remember much of it... such a blur. And, I didn't have time to write down any of the funny things that anyone said. Lo Siento.

We went to a movie premiere (kind of). Morgan's roommate Kelly's boyfriend Jason and his brother made a movie called "Flyboys". It was REALLY good... I am not just saying that. But, apparently it's slow to get promoted, because we meet some of the cast, including one of the little boys from the movie... I am such a nerd, I asked him how they made him look so young, he told me the movie was filmed 6 years ago... of course, it was. We stole lots of moments on the red carpet... in our fancy attire?!?

On Saturday, there was Prop 8 sign waving... (Let it be recorded that I DID do something for Prop 8).

And, then we had a BBQ and frolic at the beach. Aaaahhhh... I love the beach.


Which brings us to tonight... we had the cutest activity for mutual. We went to the Heritage House, which helps single mothers get back on track. We threw a Halloween party for the kids. And, I have to say, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to keep all the kids! Plus, I was pinky sworn to do two things I seriously did not want to do, but agreed to because I LOVE my YW and I'd do anything for them. 1.) I joined Facebook although, I am still VERY unsure of the whole thing! "Tag Me"; and 2.) I agreed to read Twilight... and join team Edward??? Or Jacob??? But, I (along with Jen Andersen) don't like anything middle-earth or majestic or outer world. And, I am not into Romance Novels, so I am a bit tentative about the vampire love story... but...

So, there you go mom... the most recent update on my life, with photos and all.

Is it November 5th yet???

Seriously??? I am all for Prop 8!!! For my real views on Prop 8 read this. But, for my views on Prop 8 today read on...

I receive supernumerary emails EVERYDAY asking me to volunteer for Prop 8 stuff. Today I received one that stated that we could and should wave signs EVERYDAY from 5:15 PM to 6:30 PM and then I received another stating that we that we could and should make calls EVERYDAY from 6:30 PM to 8:30 PM.

So, here's the deal... I REALLY NEED A HAIRCUT and I don't think it can wait until the 5th and I don't think that my hair dresser wants to wait until 9 PM to give me one... and CLEARLY I feel guilty about wanting to get one, but I am starting to look real rough!

So, I guess I am NOT over being guilt prone.

Crap, I guess that also means I am probably still not a good communicator when it really matters.

Which means all those years of retail therapy did NOT actually heal me... nor did they fix the economy (much to my chagrin).

Screw it, this is how I am, I'll just have to own it.

Plus, now I can just throw on sweats and I have a Halloween costume - a homeless looking chick, maybe if I hold a cup people will actually give me money.

Forget the Rooster!

A few years ago around Christmas my boss said to me and the Vice President "I know what I am getting you guys for Christmas. I am going to get you each a rooster!"

So... I have a hard time making it to work on-time. I am supposed to be to work around 8:30ish... but, somedays I get in at 9 or ... so...

Anyway, I had to get up WAY early yesterday. We went to a groundbreaking ceremony for the Harbor Drive Pedestrian Bridge. My boss REALLY wanted to take the train. And, I am not going to lie, I got really excited too. I have been reading The Other Boelyn Girl for 6 months now (I am not exaggerating, I don't have much time to read). But, as soon as Joe saw the book, he told me that I wouldn't be permitted to read, I had to talk to him the entire time. Just because he can't read...sheesh.

The train took off at 6:44 AM. So, I had to get up in the 5 o'clock hour! Yikes. A co-worker came with us because she had a meeting. I was on-time, but she was running way late. It was literally like a scene from a movie. She jumped on the train and the doors shut right behind her. But, she lost a shoe strap in the process. Joe offered to buy her new ones. Then he looked at me, and I smiled my prettiest smile and voile...

Guess what that means? We had to go shoe shopping. Joe flashed his black AMEX and we were allowed to go into Nordstrom before it was even open. We had three associates bringing us on shoes... RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE shoes.

These were the ones that I picked out. I LOVE KATE SPADE! I MEAN I LOVE LOVE LOVE KATE SPADE! Joe approved them and Nordstrom approved his black AMEX and now look what I got!

On the way home I asked Joe what he would get me if I came in by 8:30 AM everyday until the rest of the year! He told me that he would gladly give me a paycheck!

Who needs a rooster??? I am pretty sure I don't want to be anything but late, it sure did pay off.

It's all fun and games...

... until I have to dress up as one of the village people and stroll Fashion Island!!! Then it's embarrassing.




The things I do for my girls!!! I love them enough to dress up as a mechanic in the name of their favorite activity... "where in Fashion Island is your leader?" There was a mandatory "incognito" policy strictly enforced by Debra Bendheim (who I both love and have a healthy fear of).


It's a good thing that Reyes Construction has EVERYTHING I need to borrow for every goofy activity or party that requires my attendance!



And, although this activity was a little painful, it was WAY less painful then the activity a month ago when Debra made all the leaders line up and gave all the girls water balloons, one of which was actually a regular sized balloon filled with water (not the tiny water balloon kind they had when I was a kid) that hit me square in the face! Now, that sucked.

Remember When...

I thought I could pull of posting a week in review every Sunday?

Clearly I was wrong...

It's almost Tuesday...

Wait for it...

It may happen...

Oh My...

Really?

Seriously?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,337232,00.html

This is so disturbing!

Really?

Week in Review - October 5-12

I have decided that I need a little more of a consistency with this blog, a few themes, if you will. As, I was driving home from another weekend in Vegas I thought about how often during the week random thoughts pop into my head that I can’t seem to shake and also about all the funny quotes I hear during the week that stick out to me. So, I decided, I am going to start doing a “Week in Review” every Sunday… at least I’ll try to do it every Sunday… and if I don’t actually get it up on Sunday, there is a way I can rig the blog to LIE for me, so you all think I am structured and organized, although any of you who know me KNOW I am definitely not.

So here we go… week in review for October 5 -12.

The 5th was Adam’s birthday. He is my older brother. He turned 36? Anyway… he is RAD. When I was little he would bend me in ways that only carni-folk could bend, in the name of wrestling. He was so industrious. Almost every game we ever played was created by Adam using only very few props (there was either-you-jump-off-the-roof-into-the-pool-or-I’ll-push-you, tape ball, pillow fights in which I never received a pillow only he and all his friends did, there was that time he made me get on the side of the van and then he catapulted me off into the palm trees) aaaaaahhhhh, memories. Sweet memories! And, there was that time he burned a hole in the carpet and made me sit on it and told me if I moved he’d kill me! I think I sat there for like 5 hours… MAN HE WAS MEAN! But, so much fun! I still remember the day he blessed Haley – he was so nervous and proud. It was the day I decided I wanted to marry someone just like him (but maybe slightly less abusive, but only slightly!) Happy Birthday!

First thought. I had NO IDEA Paul Newman was hot!

I go to Vegas WAY too much for someone that can’t drink the kool-aid, so to speak! Last weekend I went for the third weekend in 2 months. And, I saw a NKOTB concert. For those or you who are not cool that is New Kids On The Block. A guy in my office asked me “Are you serious? Why?” To which I replied, that I am not sure I like NKOTB, but I am sure I like my friend Morgan and I am sure she really wanted to go, so I went. It was ridiculous… but, so much fun!

“I don’t own a black bra, so I had to borrow one from my roommate. And, it turns out she is a 38 C. I, however, am not a 38 C, so does anyone need me to store anything in here for them? There is plenty of room.” (She literally pulls out a cell phone, money, credit cards, I.D. lip gloss and keys from the borrowed bra.) – Kate’s friend in Vegas, Jessica Rice

“Ed Hardy is for dorks. Rich dorks.” (Morgs sent me the link to this blog that a friend had sent to her and I kept trying to get the name of the person who generated this funny quote, but I couldn’t find it, I am attributing it to some funny chic in P-town).

We were listening to the song Samson, by Regina Spektor and I am exclaiming how random, but good it is and then Robin says this: “I have totally heard this song. I heard it on Liz’s blog. I don’t know who Liz is, but she’s married to Collin and they seem to have a great relationship.”
Then, later in the week, when we were encouraged to go “viral” she said this: “I don’t have a blog, I am way to busy stalking other people’s blogs to have my own!”

"Family... isn't it about time..."

Last night in every Stake Center across California we heard a broadcast from Elder Ballard, Elder Cook and our very own Elder Whitney Clayton. It was a very powerful and profound message they delivered. We were all told to go "viral" (does that sound a little off to anyone else?!?) and blog about how we personally feel about Proposition 8.

Since the day I was born the best thing about me has always been my family. I am an extension of them. I would die for anyone of them and have often prayed to switch places with each of them at one or more times throughout my life. They are my world! I would do anything I could to protect my family.

I, admittedly, am a person whose choices are largely governed by my religious beliefs. These beliefs are not always popular with the world, most often not. And, I will have to say that at several points in my life I have chosen to take a religious stand that opposed that which I believed to be constitutionally sound, but have never regretted doing so, not even for a moment. But, today, I am proud to say that I believe my actions and beliefs are in accordance with my personal interpretation of The Constitution.

I have always believed that there is one God for all people and that this God was omnipresent during the triumph of the American Revolution and creation of The Constitution. It is my belief that the Founding Forefathers of America created this country under the direction of God. I have never quite understood why we can't admit that proudly or why some want to remove it from the Pledge of Allegiance or U.S. currency, when it's been a part of our country's history since its foundation. I think it was John Page who wrote to Thomas Jefferson after the signing of the Declaration of Independence "We know the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. Do you not think an Angel rides in the Whirlwind and directs this storm?"

In my opinion, marriage has always been directly linked to religion. In my opinion, it always should be. Marriage is a divine institution. This belief, is not only mine, nor is it one for the minority of the population. According to the California Secretary of State website, on March 7, 2000, the people of California voted on Proposition 22, a proposal to enact a state "Defense of Marriage Act" as an initiative statute. The text of Prop 22 reads: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Prop 22 was ratified by an overwhelming majority of California voters, prevailing by a 23-point margin. Statewide over 4.6 million votes were cast in favor of Prop 22 comprising 61.4 % of the vote, while opponents garnered only 2.9 million votes. Final vote counts revealed that Prop 22 won in 52 of California's 58 counties.

Unfortunately, earlier this year the California Supreme Court overruled this vote and declared Prop 22 unconstitutional. In 25 days (on November 4, 2008) we will be voting again to uphold the original wording of Prop 22, defining marriage to be solely between a man and a woman. I strongly encourage all of you who live in California to vote Yes on Prop 8, in order to do so, you must be registered to vote by October 20th.

I also strongly believe in equality. I believe that equality provided the primary reasoning and power behind the strength that led the fight to formulate of our country and justify the battles that created it, defining our freedoms and liberties. But, it is important to note that Proposition 8 will in no way rob any persons of that equality, those rights and privileges governed by our country. In California, the law provides for marriage-related benefits to be given to civil unions and domestic partnerships. Prop 8 DOES NOT in any way diminish these benefits. But, it will hurt our children and it will hurt our church. (For more information see http://www.protectmarriage.com/ , http://www.perservingmarriage.org/ and www.newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage.com ).

There is A LOT riding on this proposition. The bain of the The Family : A Proclamation to the World created in 1995, defends this very type of issue. As I understand it, because of the strict Anti-discrimination laws in California, any church who does not allow all types of legalized marriages to be performed in their chapels/churches would risk losing their tax-exemption status, having huge implications for the LDS church as a whole.

I am pretty sure that all 15 people that read my blog are LDS and well aware of my beliefs. And, I am pretty sure that about 13 of you live outside California, (but I guess it's a public blog, so you never know... I did get those random foreigners commenting on my blog last year!) And, for those of you who DO live outside California, you can still help! Please donate your money to the cause at http://www.protectmarriage.com ! It will not only affect Californians, but all U.S. Citizens and more importantly the church as a whole. I mean, we built our own $20 million dollar temple and we've taken then brunt of the economic drain from illegal immigrants, so could some citizens who live in the other 49 states throw us a bone here! Seriously!!!

P.S. To illustrate how strongly I feel about this cause. I have just agreed to wear a "Vote Yes on Prop 8" shirt to DISNEYLAND tonight... which is tantamount to walking the gauntlet, if you ask me. But, nonetheless, if I die, I'll die justly having supported Prop 8 (for a minimum of 4 hours this week :)! If I don't make it through the night, I love you all. If I do, I am going to try it at The GAP for 4 hours next week... JUST KIDDING!!!

However, I am willing to "get a bumper sticker for my car and risk getting my car vandalized" (to quote my dear friend Holly Boyd), but I don't know where to find them. Anyone know???

Keep it to yourself!

For the love of Pete (whoever Pete is), there are some things I just do not want to hear.

I am one of the happiest people alive.

I know this.

There is a good reason why this is the case. I don't listen to things that I don't want to hear. Seriously!

So far this week I have heard three things that I REALLY did not want to hear! And, as much as I tried to tune them out THEY WOULD NOT GO AWAY!

First, I got a pedicure on Monday. It was my treat for running FOREVER IN THE RAIN (don't worry, I am over it - not). Anyway, I have naturally UGLY feet. About a decade ago I was told by Quentin Spitzer "your toes are SSSSSSOOOOO long, I am pretty sure you could palm a basketball and play Olympic Sports with them." (Seems weird that I still remember this... I am over it, I swear. But, then again maybe not). But, seriously, I'll admit they are the ugliest puppies you'll ever see. There are SO many calluses on each of my LONG toes... and while the running has been good for my legs, it has been bad for my feet. So, anyway... back to the matter at hand... I went to get a pedicure... and the Asian lady who was kind enough to paint my toenails went ON and ON about how ugly my feet were and what did I do go running in the rain??? As a matter of fact lady YES! I did! I tried to get some sympathy by telling her about my marathon. Didn't work. She waxed on and on and on and I am telling you, I barely understood anything else the lady said, but she kept going off about how these were the ugliest feet and I was never going to get any love and I might want to think about a manicure and then MAYBE I could get a boyfriend. So, I finally said "shut up lady, I am paying you!"

Ok, I didn't, but I should have.

Second, I am SO over hearing about how we are all going broke! Yesterday, I saw multiple news sources recite how retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion dollars! Yikes. So, here's the deal, my dad is the smartest financial guy I know. I blindly follow his advice (and that of my financial planner, whose advice I follow mainly because I am paying him!) Anyway, for years now I have been putting the maximum amount possible into my 401K plan, which will yield me the highest tax benefit. Yesterday my statement informed me that I had lost 24.83% this quarter. Yikes. I am not trying to sound like McCain/Palin here, but without knowing an extremely large amount about EXACTLY how the economy ebbs and flows, I know this is not pretty! But, I also read that our economy (although in dire times) is only down 33% from it's all time high (trust me, I get that this sucks) and in 2002, it had fallen 38% and then bounced back within 5 years to an all time high. So, I am hopeful. But, if my hope is dashed, I am totally moving in with my parents! (Because, it would be your fault if I am broke dad!)

Maybe, I should just stop reading the news.

Thirdly, my dear sweet friend Kara sent me an email which stated the following (and I quote exactly) "You should freeze your eggs." Ok. I know that this advice only comes from a sweet and concerned place. And, one of frustration as well. But, this is the third time in my life I have been given this advice. The first time I was 26 and my boss' friend asked if I was married, if I had kids and if I had thought about freezing my eggs. (Mind you this was the first and last time I ever saw this man - thankfully). Second, was my sister Jennica. ENOUGH! This kind of pressure is definitely NOT helping me. If I could get knocked up legitimately, I would! But, since I can't I am just going to eat enough to make me look pregnant. Oh wait... that's not a good idea, right?

So, here's the conclusion. I don't have enough money to freeze my eggs. I don't know how much it cost, but I can't imagine it's a cheap process and I just lost 24.83% on my 401K - remember? Plus, my eggs are not going to be much good - have you seen my feet not the best gene pool (feet wise anyway)?!? I have come up with the perfect solution. I will get 10 foster kids. Foster kids come with a $1000 a month payout from the government, yielding me $120K per year (which will make up for the loss in my retirement) and CLEARLY being that they are severely neglected and/or abused, they are sure to have low standards for a parent and really unattractive feet, which will make me feel better about myself. Done and Done! I am SO smart!

Important Message!

I got this email from a friend and then a modified version from another guy. It totally made me laugh. The subject line was "Important Message". Upon opening it, the email said:

"If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus. If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton... who might contain a virus."

"... second time in thirty-two years..."

I must have heard this statement at least a dozen times between 5:30 AM and 6:30 AM Saturday morning while I was standing in the rain atop a mountain in 40 degree weather... "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the second time in thirty-two years that it has rained for the St. George Marathon."

And, while it was a laudable effort on behalf of the St. George Marathon personnel to make us feel like real athletes... BITE ME!!! You have got to be kidding me!

Yesterday I ran my 2nd marathon... and it SUCKED! Seriously! I finished with purple hands and chattering teeth.

I have to admit, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it when I stepped out of the bus IN THE RAIN in the 5 AM hour!!! Then I had to stand there FOREVER. But, luckily the marathon committee handed out "rain coats", which apparently in Utah is code for K-mart-plastic-shopping-bag-that-you-can-put-over-your-head-if-you-want. Unfortunately it was STILL raining and STILL 40 degrees and we all know how much I hate 1.) being cold; 2.) eating anything with cheese in it and 3.) dating... in that order.

I did see my cousin Julie, which was fun. She was in the elite corral by the start line where there were 30 porta-potties for 200 runners. I was on the other side, where there were 30 porta-potties for the other 6,800 runners. I asked Julie if I could use hers, since we are family. CLEARLY, the ability to run ridiculously fast is only dominant on the maternal side!

So anyway, the first marathon I ran, I was surprisingly chipper given the fact that I had voluntarily decided to run 26.2 miles. But, I don't think I smiled even once during the first 26 miles of this one! Seriously, I was miserable. And, I would like to say that I have recovered... but, truthfully I haven't my body HURTS and it sucks.

But, there were some moments that, although never made me smile, might possible make the rest of you laugh. During the run my mind vacillated between a bunch of really important thoughts, which were:

1.) I wonder if my ipod could electrocute me?

2.) I could never be a pioneer - extreme exercise in miserable weather conditions is SO not for me.

3.) I am pretty sure my shorts are see-through!

4.) This is strange, I wonder why my legs aren't sore... oh wait, I haven't been able to feel them since I had to take of my sweats before mile 6!

5.) How can I tell if I have hypothermia?

6.) Whose stupid idea was this? Surely, it wasn't mine was it?

There was one point, right after the 26-mile mark, at which I smiled. I saw one of my closest friends, Robin, and my boss, his wife and his two cute children at the finish line, with signs that said "Go Ali" and they were smiling and cheering! We all know how much I adore my boss Joe. But, this time he went above and beyond! That was by far the most touching thing a boss has ever done for me! Thanks Joe! I appreciate that more than you'll ever know! Even if renting an RV and driving to St. George was "the most redneck thing" you've ever done, I'll never forget it!

I am pretty sure that I am WAY too old to run anymore marathons. Now before any of you tell me that your 95-year-old papa ran a marathon last year, I am not saying that someone my age is too old, CLEARLY, I know this. And, I was remind of this fact almost as much as I heard the "... second time in thirty-two years..." line, I heard about the 5 octogenarians that were signed up to run the race, 4 of whom I am pretty sure past my sorry trash!!! (Please note, I was also beat by a man who ran barefoot! NICE. But, I believe my time although 30 minutes slower than my first marathon, was still faster than Oprah's... if she even REALLY ran a marathon... did anyone even see her start... or finish... or anywhere in the middle??? I only saw pictures of her little minions surrounding her...)

But, even as I say this, I am pretty sure my roommate has me convinced that I should run the L.A. marathon over President's Day in February... Speaking of Dizzy, she was AMAZING (as usual) and she's been reminding me all day that she isn't even remotely sore, while I can't even sit down or stand up! Thanks for that roommie...

Congratulations also to M.E., Dan and Julie who finished their first marathons! Brett for killing your 2nd in the Heavy-weight division - so good to see you. And, Melissa who finished her 5th. (Celine, Douglas told me that you were thinking of doing it again next year... I knew you'd NEVER retire!)

And, then there was Cafe Rio... twice! YES PLEASE!!!

Almost...

It's been about 10 months since I was in some sort of a Presidency. It seems like it's that time AGAIN. After spending 4 years in 2 RS Presidencies, I am now a Counselor in the YW Presidency. It makes me feel young and old at the same time. It's funny how that works! But, thanks to my YW calling, I am starting to feel almost "cool" and almost famous.

Back in May we spent the entire day making packages for Soldiers in Iraq. It was a HOT day and we had to ride in a non-air conditioned bus for 2 hours ending up in Van Nuys (your favorite place Mo! - I gave it a shout out for you, don't worry!). It took even longer to get home, plus we had to pull over so that the bus driver could pee?!? (Come on man! I am not sure in the history of the world a bus full of teenagers had pull over so a grown man who does this type of thing for a living has to pee, but he did!) Anyway... there was this guy taking like a bazillion photos of us... and as it turns out I now appear on this website:

http://www.opgratitude.com/gallery/album67/3933f.jpg and http://www.opgratitude.com/gallery/album67/3935f.jpg

... so that's the almost famous part.

Now for the almost cool part. There are many reasons why I am almost cool... (too bad "cool" died in high school, so that's no longer going to get me anywhere)...

1. I love Motion City Soundtrack (their new CD is SO RAD), which according to Becki Judge makes me cool, AND I go to concerts.

2. I have a pair of gold sandals from Urban Outfitters, which according to Sydney Clayton makes me cool.

3. I LOVE LOVE LOVE sugar and ate chocolate cake for breakfast last week, which according to all of my YW makes me really cool (and a little odd).

4. I have a "real job". (I am not going to lie, even I think this is a little bit cool!)

5. I have a lot of clothes.

6. I was born on the same day of the year as my sister, but we're not twins, which according to Heidi Judge is "REALLY cool!"

7. I USED to be athletic, which according to Rachel Clayton makes me cool.

8. I KIND OF know the difference between Emo and Screamo music.

9. I have a house WITH roommates (awesome roommates).

10. I have a Disneyland Pass.

AND

11. I have a pair of skinny jeans! (I am not going to lie, I only wear these around my girls, because I feel like I can't breathe OR sit in them. The girls call them "skinny jeans", I call them "standing room only" jeans.)

I am RAD, it's true.

I sure hope they NEVER find out that I have agreed to see a New Kids on The Block Concert with Diz and Morgan... that would completely wreck the status I've tried so hard to maintain... unless, of course, they don't know who NKOTB are... which could be the case, because they have no idea who Dennis Rodman is! That's weird, right?

News Flash!

Kids get up WAY early in the morning!

This morning my alarm clock went of before 6!  And, it sounded like this "mom? where are you?"  I slept through it for about the first 10x!  Which, CLEARLY was not my fault, I thought I was dreaming!

I am babysitting for the weekend.  Tyler (2) and Brian (3) - a cute little family from my ward! We all know it's my dream job!  Mom!  But, only for the weekend.  Let's hope I'll have the discipline to give them back on Sunday!  And, the discipline to feed them food instead of cake and candy!

One out of two isn't bad. Right???

But, the Jonas Bros. Disney show REALLY is! - Yikes!

I gotta go color some sort of Disney book and change a diaper!  I can't wait!

Food For Thought.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

That's why I decided that I would have cake for breakfast the other day.... I was SO incredibly good!

I could justify my way out of feeling guilty about just about anything... and I've had to learn that skill just to be able to function! - I am getting pretty good at it. I USED to feel guilty about EVERYTHING!

What Matters Most

Due to a lesson I gave my beehives yesterday on dating/marriage, we had a conversation last night at our house while eating a tasty cake made by Marci for Cameron's birthday.

(Side note: 12-year-old girls do not know what the words "fornicate", "lust" and "Pernicious" mean, nor do they understand the terms "necking and petting" ... SWEET, yet AWKWARD for me to explain). Good thing Debra Bendheim came in and said boldly, "Don't let anyone touch your boobs!" It really did make my lesson a lot smoooooother... I couldn't get any of them to stop giggling!

So, last night we were talking about the lists my beehives made to remind them of what they want in a husband and then we mostly started teasing Robin for her really strange bed/husband-to-be/hygiene OCD... if you don't know what this is, it's TOO much to handle, let alone explain, but the gist of it is that no one can get near the bed if they have not first LIVED IN A BUBBLE or come straight from the shower having cleaned every part of their human body. Seriously, it's odder than I can explain. But, it is seemingly really important to her... the same way that being "ridiculously good-looking" was the most important husband quality for my sweet naive beehives, who ironically enough, don't even know what "lust" is, so it would be a total waste of a ridiculously good-looking guy if you ask me... but anywhooooo...

It made me think of my own (very short) list* and I have decided that more earnestly than I want to find a man who does NOT pee on the toilet seat (OR is willing to wipe it up so I don't have to), I would like to find one that can appropriately answer this question I now intend to ask to EVERY guy I go out with (on the first date - it's that important)...

"Exactly, how cool do you want the temperature around you to be?"

If said-potential-husband-candidate says anything under 75 degrees, it's off.

I am sick of being cold! And, after 5 years of working in a freezing man-cave environment, I am totally over looking like a person who is dressed to walk through the streets of Siberia in the winter WHEN I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

* I know, I should be shortening my things-I-want-in-a-husband list these days, but it's just not happening!!!

Lost in Translation

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you do something like this and totally redeem yourself..."Ok, I MAY have butchered that line from Dumb and Dumber (I LOVE that movie) ... but, you all know what I am getting at here, right.

Man, this whole week I have felt REALLY unintelligent... I mean EXTREMELY so. I think it was Monday that I didn't do anything right at work all day... I mean, I messed up things that a monkey could do! It was a rough day for me. Not enough sleep. Not enough food. Too much running. And, WAY too much to do at work.

So, why not chat with my friends all day on the side! That's easy. They love me. It should esteem me a bit, right? WRONG! Lately nothing makes me feel more unintelligent than G-chat!

I JUST barely learned how to G-chat... and I use the term "learned" loosely. I am laughing so hard, I can barely sit up straight to type this. Seriously, Wendy and I have been at this for a few weeks. Morgan is a pro. And, we SUCK at it.

This is what happened today (and I wish I could say that we're usually better on other days, but we're not. This is par the course.)

Wendy invites us to group G-chat. Wendy always does the inviting, I have NO idea how, and Morgan's computer won't allow her to.

Group Chat #1

Wendy joins the group.
Morgan joins the group.
Ali joins the group.

Morgs starts typing, telling some story about boys that Wendy and I are both thoroughly interested in, but I have already heard.

Wendy joins the group.

What she left??? When???

Morgan: Diz, did you get all that?
Wendy: I didn't get anything! What the???
Morgan: Ok, I'll try it again. Sorry Ali.

AGAIN, Morgs starts typing, telling some story about boys that Wendy and I are both thoroughly interested in, but I have already heard (twice now).

Wendy left group chat.
Morgan left group chat.

I don't think I even typed anything! But, now I am the only one in group chat. And, I don't know how to leave or invite anyone to talk to me. Yikes.

Then I get invited to ANOTHER group chat. So, of course I accept. Now I have 2 group chats open with the same people, only I am the only one in one them. What the... ???

Group Chat #2

Wendy joins the group.
Morgan joins the group.
Ali joins the group.

Wendy: Girls?
Morgan: What just happened? We have two open now?
Wendy: I hate my computer and my internet. Well, I kept trying to chat and it gave me the message "this group chat did not receive your chat". So, I started a new one.
Ali: I LOVE that we keep trying this!

Sure blame the computer AND the internet.

5 minutes later, in an independent just me and Wendy chat...

Wendy: Can somebody help me? I lost you guys.
Ali: I don't know how Diz. Ask Morgs. I have NO idea how to invite you in.
Wendy: It's Ok, I am back now.

Back to Group Chat #2

Morgs continues with the story. Then she stops and types this:

Morgan: Wendy, you have to add Ali, I can't.
Ali: I am in!
Morgan: Perfect.

And, the story continues...

Wendy: I totally agree with Kate, Morgs.
Ali: What did Kate say?
Morgan: I just sent it to you guys.
Ali: When? Where?
Wendy: It's in an email, Ali.
Ali: Oh, Ok, let me read it.

Ali: Just bat your eyes and smile your prettiest smile. Didn't you learn anything from the Little Mermaid?!?
(This is always my advice. And, for the record I am surprised that people still ask my advice, CLEARLY, I don't know what I am doing people! Have you NOT noticed!?!)
Morgan: Oh, OK, I'll try that next time. It's been a while since I've seen it.
Ali: Oh, you should watch it. Did we lose Diz again?
Morgan: I love it! I think she's still here, Diz???

WE HAVE THREE COLLEGE DEGREES BETWEEN US... FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT G-CHAT RIGHT?

The only thing better than this would be Kate could getting lost with us. Come on Miss Kate. Can't you talk your boss into letting you G-chat??? Look how much fun we have confusing each other all day long!!!

Dispelling the myths...

Today J.Flo walks in and tells me that he has a Mormon story for me. Turns out he and his friend were talking about how much they love Chick-fil-a and said-friend was complaining about it not being open on Sunday. J. Flo told him that it was because the establishment was owned by a Mormon (which I did not know. Who knew??? ... some LDS trivia that he came up with on his own time). The guy replied "Mormons can eat chicken?" To which J.Flo replied "I sure hope so, because my Mormon friend eats BBQ chicken salad EVERY TIME we go out to lunch." (Which is true... it's my favorite - definitely my if-you-were-on-a-deserted-island-and-could-only-take-one-food-item-with-you-what-would-it-be? item, well that and frozen yogurt). But, I digress. Then J. Flo tells me that if I make a pamphlet correcting all these erroneous myths, he will start distributing them in all the hotels he frequents, right next to all "your books" (AKA the Book of Mormon).

So far I have these myths to dispell (all of which have been asked to me at some point throughout my life):

Q. Do Mormons have horns?
A. Ummmm. No.

Q. How many husbands do you have?
A. NONE! Who are you, my Grandpa, back off!

Q. Do Mormons garden in the nude.
A. Most Mormons I know don't garden at all, but those who do, do so fully-clothed, or at least in their Gs.

Q. Do Mormons wear special/funny underwear?
A. Yes. (If anyone wants to help with answer I'd love any advice you could give, I never know how to answer this!)

Q. I hear you have sex in your temples, is that true?
A. Nope. I am pretty sure if that was happening, the ratio of girls to guys in attendance would actually be off balance the other way!

Q. Did Joseph Smith lose both of his legs?
A. "I am pretty sure he and Hyrum spent their last days leg wrestling in Liberty Jail." - Articulately answered by Rich Benson many moons ago! Thanks Rich, your words will soon be in EVERY Marriott Hotel, right next to the BOM.

Anyone want to add to my pamphlet???

Rough Patch?!?

So, over the course of the last few weeks there have been oh-so-many incidents in my life, my roommates' lives, and my practically-roommates' lives that have led me to this conclusion...

I think maybe they should bring back Polygamy.

Seriously, what are we waiting for? Joe said he'd be Mormon if they still had it, which would increase our tithing pool substantially! Plus, I've been thinking... I'd rather be a second wife to some of the more NORMAL guys I know than deal with the current crop of guys I know!

I understand that this statement may seem a bit harsh. But, even my parents who spent only 4 short days in our apartment were dizzy from all the drama! My mom finally conceded that dating these days IS far different than when she was a lass. (FINALLY).

So, Reyna if you are still up for it, can I share Seth with you?!? Clearly you're lonely out there in Chicago and busy with 3 kids under the age of 3, right? And, I could sure use a 44 oz. diet coke brought to me with a smile every morning?!?

Or Melanie, can I take your extra bedroom? I really like Chad, and maybe the fact that I don't know him that well will be an added bonus. And, since I am only going to be a second wife, I can totally hit up his dad for all those free McFlurries he offered, no need to maintain any sort of a trim figure. Plus, what a dream to live in Texas by my family.

Or Amanda, would Jonny be game? I could help with peanut and the papoose hold on Saturdays. And, I could sure use the foot rubs and the free movies.

Or Wendy, Schmoopy always made me laugh AND he always made me really good CD mixes. We all know how much I love music. And, no one calls your dad out the way I do!

I am totally good at sharing and really not all that needy. I can change my own flat tire AND jump a car AND kill bugs! Plus, I sort of like to clean stuff! I'll share my clothes and my 401K (and I’ve been working F-O-R-E-V-E-R). Any takers?

For the record...

Here is the sad truth... pasty white people look funny when they try to tan. It's just not attractive.

My Oompa Loompa complexion is fading, which I am ACTUALLY quite thrilled about.

But, I currently look like I have leprosy which is ALSO not attractive.

How long does it take a fake tan to totally wear off?

"Running Music for Real Men!"

Yesterday I took my ipod to work and plugged it into my speakers on my desk. I spent the better part of the day listening to A Fine Frenzy. I listened to all the songs of theirs that were on my Ipod on repeat ALL DAY. It was great.

But, last night I had a total scare! I was slated to run 16 miles today (although I only did 10 because I am a slacker - and still sick) and I CAN'T run without my Ipod. And, as I was mentally preparing for my run last night, I remembered that my Ipod was still at work! (And no doubt playing all the songs available by A Fine Frenzy on repeat STILL).

I had 3 Ipods for this very reason, I CAN'T run without one (and I misplaced one for a time and then found it again). I considered myself very lucky to have 3. Perhaps too lucky. So, a few months back I gave one away to someone poor and less fortunate than I. My friend Eric, who you all know as muffin. He is a student and by definition, less fortunate (meaning without an Ipod).

I resisted my urge to drive to work and it was too late to buy a new Ipod, so I asked Eric if I could borrow mine back. Lucky for me, he doesn't know how to erase my music and add his. So, my songs are still on there.

It was late when I went to Eric's house to pick up the Ipod. When I walked in he was asleep on the couch. I said his name a few times and he didn't wake up. But, I saw my old Ipod on the kitchen table, so I grabbed it and left.

Only this morning when I went to go running I quickly found out that I had taken someone else's Ipod. Oops. (Sorry Heman, I think maybe it was yours!) So, there are only a few options to choose from on his Ipod one playlist is called "Running Music For Real Men!" (Note, the ! was in the title, I did not add this emotion).

Oh man, it was total metal music. It was pretty different than the goofy Top 40 stuff I usually run to. But, it worked... kind of. Ok, if I am being honest, it sucked (for me). It was total guy music. But, I did come across one song I quite liked, so of course I put it on repeat. It was "Breaking Habits" by Lincoln Park. And, I have to say. Well done Lincoln Park good man-lyrics. There is nothing I like better than a man who is willing to figure himself out, take accountability and do something about it.

The only downfall to the man music is that now that I am home I have a total urge to punch something! What is that about?!? I am going to shake it off by going to the mall with my mom.

That's what friends are for...

This morning I got this text message from one of my best friends in the world, Ms. Robin Bendheim. It is DEFINITELY quotable.

"It always gets worse before it gets better. Acne medicine taught me that."

OH MAN did that make me laugh!

Thanks Robbie, I love you more than words could express. And, who knew you ARE funny!

Coyote Ugly...

I woke up this morning and stumbled from my couch to my bedroom to get ready for work. When I walked in my room I saw my dad and mom lying in my bed. They are in town for the weekend. Aren't I so lucky?!?

They woke up and looked at me in my baggy pajamas and my crazy hair, no make-up and morning breath and they smiled. My dad said "look how pretty our daughter is!" And, my mom said "I know, isn't she beautiful?"

I have always thought the expression that refers to people as having a face only a mother could love was such a foreign insult. I mean I get it conceptually, but nothing in the world makes me feel more beautiful than hearing my parents tell me that I am.

My parents have been married for 40 years in June. They are best friends. They are my biggest cheerleaders. They are fun and funny. They are two people I live to admire, and neither has ever let me down. There are no two people I respect and cherish more on this earth. They are two of my best friends. My mom always tells me what I NEED to hear and my dad never needs to say anything, he's ALWAYS been able to change my world with a hug!

They had the funniest conversation while I was getting ready this morning. I gave them my car which meant my dad had to take me to work. He asked my mom if she wanted to come. She said she'd rather sleep. He said that as beautiful as my mom was, she would be even more beautiful after her morning transformation (a.k.a. shower and make-up). She said she didn't think she was going to do that. He just smiled. Then she stated that instead of getting ready she would like to have someone rub her feet. My dad said he would love to do it when he came back. Then he turned to me and said "being your mom's personal slave is one of my favorite duties."

Aaaahhhhhhhh! They're SO CHEESY. And, I love it.

My new list of qualifications in a husband (in addition to, of course 6 feet and 6 figures) is as follows:

1. Normal.
2. Has a career or career path.

3. Doesn't pee on the toilet seat.

4. Willing and eager to be my own "personal slave!"

Believe me, I KNOW, he doesn't exist. I can't even tell you how hard it is to find a guy who doesn't pee on the toilet seat!

Happy Birthday Bendy!!!

My roommate Marci had a birthday... yipee. It was actually last week, but first she was out-of-town, then Robin was, then I was, so we celebrated last night.

We are all learning to surf in our house. So, we commissioned our favorite surf instructor to take us to our favorite spot for learning, San Onofre.

It was a really fun time. I even ate a hot dog for the first time in years... I must have been WAY hungry!

Happy Birthday Marci (Bendy) Tuttle. We love you!