Can I get fired for this?!?

I am in charge of teaching the 16 -18 year olds at church.

The lessons are assigned.

Today's lesson: the dangers of media (a.k.a. pornography).

AWKWARD!!!

Not a big problem among 16-18 year old GIRLS!!!

I started my lesson. And, about 4.5 seconds in I get a "Seriously, can we like NOT have this lesson. No, like SERIOUSLY?!?"

I just started laughing, the girls agreed to listen to the quotes from any prophets and I conceded to NOT teach the rest of it.

Basically our lesson was on this: The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Jon & Kate Plus 8 (and info about Lindsay Lohan's dad), whether or not L. Lohan was REALLY a lesbian, the play RENT, and Keeping Up with the Khardasians.

I SO don't think that was my best lesson! It's a good thing I am not getting paid for this!

Hoarders

So, according to Jackie (and Julie Jones), there is this great new show on A&E, it's called "Hoarders".

I have never seen it. But, there is no doubt in my mind that I would LOVE it. Because I am weird. And, I REALLY love weird T.V. shows.

According to A&E (and Jackie) - Hoarders is a fascinating look inside the lives of different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis.

Basically, these people collect stuff... I mean out of control collecting of stuff, like food, and trash, and whatever else one can collect.

Apparently, this is a legitimate disease... which is sad, and tragic, and really funny!

So, Jackie is on this kick where the worst insult she could come up with is to call people hoarders!

No one is safe.

Today, Micah carried a box out to his car and she looks at him and says "What have got in that box? HOARDER."

No one in this office can carry multiples of anything... no stacks of paper, no assortment of highlighters, no binders full of information... only one at a time... or else...

"HOARDER".

I so can't wait to see this show. My roommates are going to love that our TiVo will now be filled with Snapped AND Hoarders... so, I apologize in advance!

Mad Love...

I have mad love for Disneyland.

Just like I have mad love for running.

Friday Night...

Tuesday Night...

Wednesday Night...

But, if I have to do either of these again this week, I may have to kill myself! I am just saying...

I HEART Jackie Bach!

Jackie and I work together.

She IS my favorite part of my job... though I do like everything else about it too. It's a great job!

Anyway, since I started working at MZT her lofty new goal in life is to get me married and pregnant. She may be a little less picky on the order than I am... but, actually, maybe not. She has HIGH expectations for me!

She is SO incredibly nice to me. She is always telling me that I am too smart and pretty and funny for my own good. She tells me that if I was dumber and uglier and less fun, I'd be married by now... ha ha ha... don't worry, I don't believe that for a second! My list of reasons is TOTALLY different!

She is a total self-esteem builder. Perhaps my greatest cheerleader. And, I adore her beyond words.

Today we had this conversation...

Jackie: I saw a homeless person today. Her hair and skin were all the same color. I spotted her from like 50-yards away. She was actually a he. He was wearing a dress. He was like a transgender homeless guy.
Me: Actually, I think a lot of homeless men wear like skirts and dresses. Seriously, I have seen quite a few. Maybe, it's just what they do.
Jackie: Well, yea, because they are cracked out and mental. Well, at least most of them are. So, they get all confused and stuff.
Me: Are you trying to say that I shouldn't be flattered when the homeless guy calls me "pretty girl"? Because all this time I have thought he might have really meant it?!?
Jackie: Oh, no, I am not saying that. Your homeless guy is probably just old and on drugs and an alcoholic. Trust me, I am sure he really DOES mean it. Don't worry.

Ah ha ha ha ha...

She's so sweet. She said that last line totally straight faced, nodding her head at me, trying so hard to convince me of this truth!

Then we both started laughing!

Training?!?

So, I am SUPPOSED to be training for the Chicago Marathon.

And, some weeks I REALLY do.

Last week I ran 40 miles.

This week, I ran 4! Oops.

Clearly, I am not going to give any Kenyans a run for their money.

Last weekend my parents called to book their flights so they could come watch me at the finish line.

My dad lovingly directed me to this ACTUAL 2006 Chicago Marathon finishing clip.

He said "try not to do that!"




Ha ha ha! If only I could finish in 2:07... or 3:07... or even 4:07, I'd be stoked, even if I did pull an "Adere".

Just a few thoughts...

Lately a few things have been running through my mind a lot.

1.) I have such great and amazing friends. And, that is SUCH a blessing.

2.) I really need a haircut.

~ That's it... not too many thoughts these days... just a few. ~

Out of the Mouths of Teens

I have THE best Young Women EVER! Seriously, they are so bright and confident and darling and fun and lovable. They make my life better everyday! And, they say and do the greatest things!

The other day I was talking to my YW partner in crime Jean. I call her "Lefty" because she's like my left arm. She is often the main source of my sanity. Anyway, she and I were talking about dating. One of our YW always has a boyfriend... one after the other. So, I asked Jean if I could ask my YW for dating advice. Her response was this "NO WAY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MARBLES? YOU CAN NOT ASK HER FOR ANY ADVICE." We both laughed. She was right. I couldn't.

Last night "Lefty" and I went up to Lake Arrowhead to spend the last night of Girls Camp with my favorite group of girls. One of my Laurels, Angi-the-wonderful, who is leaving for college was getting dating advice, gearing up for her college experience. She decided to ask the other girls from our ward to write down their advice. Ang let Jean and I look at it. We took notes. We were laughing so hard!


PRICELESS!

1. The scents Cinnamon, Vanilla and Lavendar attract guys.

2. Touch a guy's fingertips and neck and he will automatically be attracted to you.

3. Only show your best side to a guy until you have been exclusive for a while.

4. Don't try to hard, sooner or later it will get old.

5. Get rid of all of your facial hair, except for your eyebrows and keep those well plucked. (Mind you, I am sure that there is a lot of validity and truth to this. I mean, most guys wouldn't want to be around a chic with a beard and a stache, unless maybe she was making bank for it at the carnival - but, I just think this is the most hilarious piece of dating advice EVER!)

I think my girls might be onto something! Much to Jean's chagrin, I may take their advice. So, if you see me around town smelling like dessert and stroking guys' necks and fingers like a puppy, don't worry, it may look creepy, but I am just getting my game on!

He's Back!

I haven't seen "my homeless guy" for a few months.

Jackie and I decided that he must be a snowbird-of-sorts, maybe downtown Santa Ana was too hot for him in the summer, so we figured that he must have gone somewhere else for a while.

This was big news in our office. Because today he showed up again! No one actually saw him, but we saw his fuzzy tiger blanket right between the cacti. He also brought with him a new stuffed monkey friend!

So this morning, my boss, and several other guys I work with decided to tell me the good news.
BZ: "You are going to be so happy. Your homeless guy is back! That should up your self-esteem."

He came back at the perfect time. Mainly because I haven't been drinking coke for a month or so. So, I wouldn't have seen him up close and personal anyway, had he come back before this week. But, the family reunion did me in. I caved. I fell off the wagon. I HAD to have coke... and I had to have it everyday! I am trying to get back on the wagon! It didn't take yesterday (although I only had one coke). And, it didn't take today either.

I just got back from buying a coke. And, I had this awkward little encounter with "my homeless guy."

MHG: Hey pretty girl!
Me: Hey. Where did you go?
MHG: I was looking for you pretty girl!
Me: Ha ha... whatever. No seriously?
MHG: You always dress so nice.
Me: Ummmm, ok, thanks.
MHG: Prettiest girl I've ever seen!
Me: Ha ha... ummm, ok, thanks.
MHG: Good to see you again.
Me: Ummm. Ya, you too actually. See ya.

My homeless guy has game!!!

Ode to Julie!

Dearest sweet cousin Julie Cherrington Esplin,

I really appreciate you inviting me to go running with you and your friends.

I am amazed that I was able to get up at 5:30 AM (4:30 A.M my time).

I am amazed that I was able to keep up with you for an entire 3/4 of a mile.

I wish I could use the excuse that your dragging me up an un-groomed mountain trail, that most people only hike, was the reason I could not keep up with you for longer. Or that it was the altitude. But, truth be told, it was not either.

Although, you did try to take a road bike (a.k.a. me) where a mountain bike belongs. The truth is, you are amazing! And ridiculously fast. And, super in shape. I covet your figure. And, the speed the with which you run!

You are my idol! Right behind Michael Phelps. Actually, maybe you're even in front of him, because you don't use pot! (That was for you Ashlee.)

I plan to go home and have my roommates tie me to the back of a car, for practice. I plan to be able to run an entire mile with you next time I see you!

Also, thanks for telling me how much I would love the Provo River trail. I just finished 15 there. It was beautiful. And, much better suited for my road-bike self (a funny analogy, since I don't really like either type of biking, but...) Before you made that suggestion, I was vacillating between running 15-20x around either the Novell Building or that quadruple stake-center monstrosity that puts the Crystal Cathedral to shame. I was just trying to identify which one had a larger circumference.

Thanks again.

Your #1 fan,

Ali

Only in Utah!

So, I am in Utah for a family reunion. An extended one... the kind where there are tons of people that you are related to, but might not be able to pick out of a line up of 10 people or so. It's in Orem to be exact!

Anyway, I get in around 10 AM, my parents, brother, sister and family scheduled their flights to get in about 3 hours after mine. So, I was tasked out to get a rental car. No big deal. I am a pro at that, 10 years of business development, I could rent a car with my eyes closed. Right?!? WRONG!

So, I walk out of the SLC airport and over to the car rental area. There are about 10 rental car dealerships. One by one, I check to see about renting a car. One by one, they all say they are out of cars. Mind you, it's a WEDNESDAY morning, in August... no BYU/UofU games of any sort, no general conference, no Olympics, nothing is really going on here. TRUST ME!

Finally, when the last guy tells me they are out of cars, I ask what the possible reasoning for the total lack of cars at an airport, mid-week, in the beginning of August must be. The guy says "Well, ma'am, actually there's a really big scrapbooking conference." I laughed really hard. Until I found out he was serious. Then I laughed so hard I cried. And, then maybe I just cried without the laughing... maybe... It had been a super rough night. 3 hours of sleep mostly because I had to finish all this work and make 100 cupcakes for a YW/YM activity because the girl who signed up to do it flaked (for the 1,000th time) and then around 3, I got sick and couldn't go back to sleep! But, anyway...

So, I decided to go back to each rental car area and ask if they have any other locations, in downtown SLC, or within an hour or so drive that could rent me a car. One by one, each tells me that ALL of the rental cars ALL throughout the state are rented out! ALL of them. FOR A SCRAPBOOKING CONFERENCE!!!

After waiting in the airport for 3 hours, finally a guy tells me about this car rental place "Discount Rental" in Draper, which is like 20 minutes from the airport or so. So, I pay $15 to get shuttled out there to pick up my rental car. I end up at this double-wide trailer, actually maybe it wasn't even that big. When I get the car it's a rust-colored 1999 Chevy Cavalier with nearly 200,000 miles and NO AIR CONDITIONING and a sticker on the window that can easily be peeled off, like it's just a temporary rental car, most days it might actually be someone's everyday car. Best part - it cost $412 for 4 days. "Discount Rental"?!? I would hate to see what it costs to rent a non-discounted car from a dealer I have heard of, maybe one made in this century, with air conditioning! The best part of the whole ordeal was that when I told them I would be returning it on Sunday, the guy said "That'll be fine, you'll just park the car on the street, put the keys under the mat, lock it up and write a note that says what time you brought it back, because we aren't open on Sundays." (My cousin Stacy took a photo of it for me, since I left my camera at home, next to my toothpaste, contact solution, and a myriad of other necessities I might have otherwise remembered, had I gotten more sleep).

By this time it's been hours. I drive to get myself some Cafe Rio. The only good part of my day, thus far. And, then quickly go back to get my family. I figured my sister, who is SUPER organized already reserved a car. Nope! So, they all come out, take one look at the car and my sister asks what the deal is. And, then informs me that they didn't bother to rent a car. It's Utah nothing is going on, they figured that they would just get one when they got here. We had to make 2 trips to Orem in this car that would barely go at all! It would have been funny... on any other day, if I had gotten more sleep. By the time we all made it to Orem, it was 6 PM! What a joke!

Now, EVERYONE in my immediate family has lived in Utah... myself included. We all went to BYU, not very original, but my dad really wanted us to. We all just followed suit. And, my mom grew up here (Logan). Also, several of my closest friends are from here and many still live here! I do know that Utah has many fine qualities, as does my sister, Kimberly, who actually lived her the longest 10 years or so. But, as soon as she heard about the rental car debacle she said this: "You know, I always give Utah the benefit of the doubt, I think, it's not so bad, right?!? But, EVERY TIME I come here something that could only happen in Utah, ruins that for me. Scrapbooking conference!?!"

So, in conclusion to my diatribe I have to add the following notes:

1. If you scrapbook, I do not hate you. However, you may not want to bring it up... EVER! Or at least for a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time.

2. If you live in Utah or are from Utah, I do not hate you, nor do I hold it against you. However, I do hate your scrapbooking convention, your poor driving skills, and that ratted out ponytail thing that (a lot, but definitely not all of you - that was for you Morgs) do with your hair and all those bobbypins.

3. If you are in my family, I still have mad love for you, always will. However, if you ever plan another family reunion in happy valley, unless it's in Park City during snowboarding season, I am out!

I do want to make sure that I say to Stacy and Pierce and the Cherrington family, thanks for all the planning. Great job! You DID actually make Orem a lot more fun than I thought it could be. And, seeing the whole family was worth the trip! So THANK YOU!!! I, in no means, want to sound like an ingrate, it's not your fault there was a scrapbooking conference!