It works!!!

"The program" worked. My friend "Muffin" weighs a buck thirty point six (130.6).

If anyone else wants to gain weight, I will tailor a program for you too.

However, if you want to lose weight, you're on your own.

P.S. Brett weighs a buck twenty-eight (128) without limbs. So, I am proud of him too!

Once again... not OK!

So, I have been spending a lot of time in L.A. lately. So much so, that I rubbed shoulders with Elodie from "The Hills" (the girl from last season that quite because Heidi stole her job). That's sad that I know who she is! Anyway, I was at The Belmont for my friend Laura's birthday and she and I briefly talked about using the restroom - GLAMOUROUS!

Anyway, our home base in L.A. is my friend Jo's house. It's darling, a quaint apartment complex on Rose and Overland. So cute. But, everytime I go over there, I notice that her next door neighbor has THIS as a door mat.

I don't care how much one LOVES frogs (as the case may be)... using a bath mat (a child's bath mat, nonetheless) is NOT OK! It's creepy.

Quote of the Day

"Patience is for suckers". - Aldra Lee Robinson

Ok, I don't believe it, but it still makes me laugh, so I like it.

Neurotic Much?!?

So, my roommate is AMAZING! She's game for anything... one of the many reasons I adore her. The latest thing I talked her into was doing the Fat Smash Diet with me. It's crazy, you have to be a vegetarian (but only for 9 days) and then there are other phases. Luckily, today is day 10, chicken and diet coke never tasted so good.

I got talked into to doing this crazy diet by my friend J. Flo's wife, Veronica. She told me not to buy the book because there wasn't really much we needed to know. But, I think she got sick of me calling Joe a supernumerary amount of times daily to ask him very important questions, such as "how much ketchup can I have?"

So, today Joe brought in the book and told me to copy what I wanted out of it. Basically, I just read it all, not that I didn't have enough to do at work or anything. And, I came across this section that cracked me up. It was a whole list of activities that burn calories. None of these are exaggerations, all ACTUALLY appeared in the book as an activity. The book give calories per minute for exercising, listing a whole myriad of activities including, (I am not kidding): sleeping 1.2 cals/min. as opposed to 1.3 for resting in bed (is there a difference??? - REALLY), standing 1.5 cals/min., conversing 1.8 cals/min. (So apparently THAT is why my metabolism is higher than most... who knew???), washing and dressing 2.6 cals/min., making the bed 3.4 (that's where I lose a few.), showering 3.4 (how is this different than washing? - Is it because of the hybrid of activities standing + washing = showering 3.4???)

Now we get to the fun part. cleaning windows 3.7 cals/min., farming chores 3.8 cals/min. (whatever, the farmers don't care about looking svelt, they wear coveralls for the love of everything good and holy, coveralls hide a multitude of sins, I wonder if I could find a farmer whose willing to do transference of calories with me??? Would that work??? It's about as logical as Carbon offsets if you ask me...), ironing clothes 4.2 cals/min. (we really do need to get our iron fixed Diz.), stacking lumber 5.8, working with a pick and/or shovel 6.7, shoveling snow 7.1, chopping wood 7.5, tree felling 8.4 - 12.7 (I have NO earthly idea what this even is, but I might take it up, just to burn the calories!), walking up stairs 10 - 18 cals/min (Good thing Joe keeps ignoring me when I say "You own a construction firm, when are you going to construct me an elevator???")

Real sports (ummm, I am going to have to refute the first couple of these "sports"): playing billiards 1.8 cals/min (sports??? - really, can you claim athletic prowess if you're a wicking pool player???), pitching horseshoes (sport, I think not) 3.8, ping-pong (sport? hmmm...) 4.9 unless you're Japanese then it's 7.0 because you do it with gusto, golfing in a 4-some 3.7 BUT if you do it in a 2-some it's 5.0 (see, pairing off is better - ha ha ha), archery (sport?) 5.0, bowling 7.0 (too bad it takes less than a minute to bowl and then your back down to the sitting/standing value) slide board 9.0 - 13.0 (once again, what is this???), square dancing (sport?) 7.7, tennis 7.0 - 11 (depending on how good you are, somehow I think I at about a 2 cals/min. range, which as you can see is only slightly higher than the expenditure of calories for standing upright), skipping rope 10.0 - 15.0 (hey hey what do you know???), wrestling 14.0! Who wants wrestle with me???, swimming 6.0 - 12.5 depending on the stroke, walking 5.6 - 7.0, walking in the snow, uphill and barefoot like our parents had to do 10 - 20 (Ok, I am kidding about the uphill and barefoot part, but really the chart has "walking in the snow as a category) ... but the real money-maker is running. 12 min./mile = 10 cals/min., 8 min./mile = 15, 6 min./mile = 20, and 5 min./mile = 25! No wonder those Kenyans are SO ridiculously skinny!

Basically I learned three really important things from this research:
1. - In order to not have to go on these crazy ridiculous diets ever again I would have to resort to moving to Kenya (OK, we all know that wouldn't work - or moving like a Kenyan), or doing a lot more wrestling. And, if all else fails, tree felling still packs a punch.
2. The word "sport" is a REALLY broad term.
3. You would have to be one neurotic person to actually figure out exactly how many more (or less –some days) calories you intake and expend. Somebody buy me a stop watch!

We are taking a poll!!!

I have never done a poll on my blog before. So, hopefully I can figure it out.

Meet Robin... So cute, bubbly personality, hair to die for, very "kissable lips", she gives guys tingles (just ask her), eyes that pop, everyone LOVES to see Robin - she lights up a room and she loves everyone (even the unlovable)... let's face it, she's almost perfect.

Except...

Yikes...

I would like EVERYONE to vote that she needs to throw these sweats out.

Intervention.

Robin is petite, but these sweats are trying to prove me wrong! I mean I LOVE sweat-type pants more than anyone, but these... Oh these are SSSSOOOO bad.

She wouldn't even let me take a photo of her because she KNEW how bad these look, but still, she wears them.

Hopefully, we can make her stop!

"The Program"

So, a few weeks ago I met a new friend - Eric Whitemeyer. Apparently Dizzy had known him for a while now, but to me he's shiny and new!

So, Eric is FAB! So much fun! Really chill. I call him "muffin", it's his nickname. (Don't tell my 3-year-old nephew, Ethan, because it's his nickname too.)

And, he weighs A BUCK TWENTY (EIGHT???) - Now this is not 128 the way we girls weigh ourselves, after a run, a pee, totally naked really early in the morning before eating anything... nope. He's A BUCK TWENTY (EIGHT???) after Sunday dinner and dessert, fully dressed WITH shoes.

I put him on a program. I told him he had to eat In-and-Out everyday at least once. And, I told him everytime he wanted to eat fruit he should substitute it for M&Ms. He's supposed to gain 3 pounds in a week (he wanted to go for 5, but I talked him down).

So, last night Muffin came over all excited, thinking he gained some weight (mind you it had only been 2 days). He wanted to be weighed. So, I weighed him, thinking I would blame any weight gain on the fact that he was wearing 4 shirts, jeans and tennis shoes. But, he got on the scale and he weighed A BUCK TWENTY-SEVEN! How is that possible! He looked shocked. I was pissed! What the ??? "The Program" never fails me (although, I never intentionally go on "the program"... it just happens.)

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl. Next Christmas I want muffin's metabolism!!!

Anyway, we decided he needed to eat, STAT. So, we told him to grab something in the pantry and eat it. Eating at 10 PM is never good, right???

I came back downstairs and I saw this! I am pretty sure I understand now.



Muffin... oh muffin, diet womens' cereal??? Really??? I mean REALLY!!! There were cookies, M&Ms, 6 JARS of candy, chips, crackers...

Diplomacy

So, I decided that I am too opinionated about things I really don't care about. Seriously. It's ridiculous. Maybe, it's because I just like to talk, even if I have nothing to say. Maybe it's because my family used to tease me about not having opinions about anything. Maybe it's because my family has SO many opinions and I am trying to fit in. So, I got some! Man, did I get some. Now, I'd like to get rid of some.

Today I decided my goal was to be diplomatic... all day long! I just got home from work and it's 11:30 PM, so I didn't really stop what I was doing too much to have too many occasions to be diplomatic - only two, actually.

The first one went well. Here's the scene. I am at my desk and my administrative assistant brought me in this paper from a financial institution wanting me to review one of our subcontractor’s performance. The questionnaire asked really basic questions about how they performed as a contractor. So, I had to check with the Project Manager that worked with the subcontractor to get an accurate response.

Ali: Can you tell me how this subcontractor performed while working for us?
RS: Sure, they were cheap! Really cheap. But, they f#%*ed up A LOT. I mean A LOT. They delayed the schedule. It took them three times to get it right, but in the end, they pulled it off and they were SO cheap.
Questionnaire: How was the contractor's performance?
My response: All work completed.

Pretty diplomatic, right?


The second one did not go so well. Jonathan came into my office (which is usually when all diplomacy leaves, I am automatically in defensive sarcastic mode! And, it's HIS fault).

Jonathan: I am leaving now.
Ali: K, see ya.
Jonathan: That's it? That's all you have to say?
Ali: Um... K, see ya tomorrow?!?
Jonathan: No you won't I am going to NY.
Ali: Oh ya, Have fun. See you when you get back.
Jonathan: Give me a pound.
Jonathan walks over and puts his fist out. We pound fists. I am an affectionate person by nature, but I have never felt the need or want to touch anyone in my office... it's dangerous for SO many reasons.
Ali: Just so you know, only you and my SPECIAL uncle high five me and pound fists with me.

Not so diplomatic.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow... and the next day... I am pretty sure I'll be a work in progress for a while!

Pismo Beach Baby!

Since, I don't have much time... and can't think of anything funny to say... I won't say much about Pismo Beach except that it was a blast.



My only complaint is that you people took all together too many photos! Most of which are horrible of me. I HATE Facebook!