Neurotic Much?!?

So, my roommate is AMAZING! She's game for anything... one of the many reasons I adore her. The latest thing I talked her into was doing the Fat Smash Diet with me. It's crazy, you have to be a vegetarian (but only for 9 days) and then there are other phases. Luckily, today is day 10, chicken and diet coke never tasted so good.

I got talked into to doing this crazy diet by my friend J. Flo's wife, Veronica. She told me not to buy the book because there wasn't really much we needed to know. But, I think she got sick of me calling Joe a supernumerary amount of times daily to ask him very important questions, such as "how much ketchup can I have?"

So, today Joe brought in the book and told me to copy what I wanted out of it. Basically, I just read it all, not that I didn't have enough to do at work or anything. And, I came across this section that cracked me up. It was a whole list of activities that burn calories. None of these are exaggerations, all ACTUALLY appeared in the book as an activity. The book give calories per minute for exercising, listing a whole myriad of activities including, (I am not kidding): sleeping 1.2 cals/min. as opposed to 1.3 for resting in bed (is there a difference??? - REALLY), standing 1.5 cals/min., conversing 1.8 cals/min. (So apparently THAT is why my metabolism is higher than most... who knew???), washing and dressing 2.6 cals/min., making the bed 3.4 (that's where I lose a few.), showering 3.4 (how is this different than washing? - Is it because of the hybrid of activities standing + washing = showering 3.4???)

Now we get to the fun part. cleaning windows 3.7 cals/min., farming chores 3.8 cals/min. (whatever, the farmers don't care about looking svelt, they wear coveralls for the love of everything good and holy, coveralls hide a multitude of sins, I wonder if I could find a farmer whose willing to do transference of calories with me??? Would that work??? It's about as logical as Carbon offsets if you ask me...), ironing clothes 4.2 cals/min. (we really do need to get our iron fixed Diz.), stacking lumber 5.8, working with a pick and/or shovel 6.7, shoveling snow 7.1, chopping wood 7.5, tree felling 8.4 - 12.7 (I have NO earthly idea what this even is, but I might take it up, just to burn the calories!), walking up stairs 10 - 18 cals/min (Good thing Joe keeps ignoring me when I say "You own a construction firm, when are you going to construct me an elevator???")

Real sports (ummm, I am going to have to refute the first couple of these "sports"): playing billiards 1.8 cals/min (sports??? - really, can you claim athletic prowess if you're a wicking pool player???), pitching horseshoes (sport, I think not) 3.8, ping-pong (sport? hmmm...) 4.9 unless you're Japanese then it's 7.0 because you do it with gusto, golfing in a 4-some 3.7 BUT if you do it in a 2-some it's 5.0 (see, pairing off is better - ha ha ha), archery (sport?) 5.0, bowling 7.0 (too bad it takes less than a minute to bowl and then your back down to the sitting/standing value) slide board 9.0 - 13.0 (once again, what is this???), square dancing (sport?) 7.7, tennis 7.0 - 11 (depending on how good you are, somehow I think I at about a 2 cals/min. range, which as you can see is only slightly higher than the expenditure of calories for standing upright), skipping rope 10.0 - 15.0 (hey hey what do you know???), wrestling 14.0! Who wants wrestle with me???, swimming 6.0 - 12.5 depending on the stroke, walking 5.6 - 7.0, walking in the snow, uphill and barefoot like our parents had to do 10 - 20 (Ok, I am kidding about the uphill and barefoot part, but really the chart has "walking in the snow as a category) ... but the real money-maker is running. 12 min./mile = 10 cals/min., 8 min./mile = 15, 6 min./mile = 20, and 5 min./mile = 25! No wonder those Kenyans are SO ridiculously skinny!

Basically I learned three really important things from this research:
1. - In order to not have to go on these crazy ridiculous diets ever again I would have to resort to moving to Kenya (OK, we all know that wouldn't work - or moving like a Kenyan), or doing a lot more wrestling. And, if all else fails, tree felling still packs a punch.
2. The word "sport" is a REALLY broad term.
3. You would have to be one neurotic person to actually figure out exactly how many more (or less –some days) calories you intake and expend. Somebody buy me a stop watch!

"The Program"

So, a few weeks ago I met a new friend - Eric Whitemeyer. Apparently Dizzy had known him for a while now, but to me he's shiny and new!

So, Eric is FAB! So much fun! Really chill. I call him "muffin", it's his nickname. (Don't tell my 3-year-old nephew, Ethan, because it's his nickname too.)

And, he weighs A BUCK TWENTY (EIGHT???) - Now this is not 128 the way we girls weigh ourselves, after a run, a pee, totally naked really early in the morning before eating anything... nope. He's A BUCK TWENTY (EIGHT???) after Sunday dinner and dessert, fully dressed WITH shoes.

I put him on a program. I told him he had to eat In-and-Out everyday at least once. And, I told him everytime he wanted to eat fruit he should substitute it for M&Ms. He's supposed to gain 3 pounds in a week (he wanted to go for 5, but I talked him down).

So, last night Muffin came over all excited, thinking he gained some weight (mind you it had only been 2 days). He wanted to be weighed. So, I weighed him, thinking I would blame any weight gain on the fact that he was wearing 4 shirts, jeans and tennis shoes. But, he got on the scale and he weighed A BUCK TWENTY-SEVEN! How is that possible! He looked shocked. I was pissed! What the ??? "The Program" never fails me (although, I never intentionally go on "the program"... it just happens.)

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl. Next Christmas I want muffin's metabolism!!!

Anyway, we decided he needed to eat, STAT. So, we told him to grab something in the pantry and eat it. Eating at 10 PM is never good, right???

I came back downstairs and I saw this! I am pretty sure I understand now.



Muffin... oh muffin, diet womens' cereal??? Really??? I mean REALLY!!! There were cookies, M&Ms, 6 JARS of candy, chips, crackers...

Diplomacy

So, I decided that I am too opinionated about things I really don't care about. Seriously. It's ridiculous. Maybe, it's because I just like to talk, even if I have nothing to say. Maybe it's because my family used to tease me about not having opinions about anything. Maybe it's because my family has SO many opinions and I am trying to fit in. So, I got some! Man, did I get some. Now, I'd like to get rid of some.

Today I decided my goal was to be diplomatic... all day long! I just got home from work and it's 11:30 PM, so I didn't really stop what I was doing too much to have too many occasions to be diplomatic - only two, actually.

The first one went well. Here's the scene. I am at my desk and my administrative assistant brought me in this paper from a financial institution wanting me to review one of our subcontractor’s performance. The questionnaire asked really basic questions about how they performed as a contractor. So, I had to check with the Project Manager that worked with the subcontractor to get an accurate response.

Ali: Can you tell me how this subcontractor performed while working for us?
RS: Sure, they were cheap! Really cheap. But, they f#%*ed up A LOT. I mean A LOT. They delayed the schedule. It took them three times to get it right, but in the end, they pulled it off and they were SO cheap.
Questionnaire: How was the contractor's performance?
My response: All work completed.

Pretty diplomatic, right?


The second one did not go so well. Jonathan came into my office (which is usually when all diplomacy leaves, I am automatically in defensive sarcastic mode! And, it's HIS fault).

Jonathan: I am leaving now.
Ali: K, see ya.
Jonathan: That's it? That's all you have to say?
Ali: Um... K, see ya tomorrow?!?
Jonathan: No you won't I am going to NY.
Ali: Oh ya, Have fun. See you when you get back.
Jonathan: Give me a pound.
Jonathan walks over and puts his fist out. We pound fists. I am an affectionate person by nature, but I have never felt the need or want to touch anyone in my office... it's dangerous for SO many reasons.
Ali: Just so you know, only you and my SPECIAL uncle high five me and pound fists with me.

Not so diplomatic.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow... and the next day... I am pretty sure I'll be a work in progress for a while!

RaNdOm ThOUghTs...

So, I am sitting in my office, ridiculously tired for some reason, which is making me think of ALL sorts of strange things. Mostly REALLY random thoughts and questions. So, I am going to start spilling them...

1. How long does it take to make a bloody couch? I mean, I ordered this couch in January and it's March... REALLY... 4 weeks to ship? From where, Africa? I don't get it, I really don't get it, but I am so over being couchless... what is taking so long???

2. Is it odd that my roommate and I LOVE to watch the biggest loser while shoveling cereal into our mouths? A few weeks ago we woke up to go running and then came back and watched it for 3 hours... on the floor... SINCE WE DON'T HAVE A COUCH... while eating obscene amounts of Golden Grahams and Lucky Charms and we came to a few conclusions: 1) We both kind of want to go on the Biggest Loser (but, just for the boot camp aspects); 2)"fluffy" people must be more emotional, right? Why are they always crying? 3.) It is really NOT flattering to put overweight people in REALLY small shorts and a jog bra... I mean, come on! They already have to see their weight broadcast in shining lights AND use a truck scale instead of a normal one, it all seems a bit inhumane! 4.) All of the guys on that show have bigger boobs then me... I mean A LOT bigger.

3. I decided this weekend (while I was babysitting Isaac Moore - age 2) that guys are really quite darling when they are 2. They like to cuddle, they smile a lot, they say very little... so, 3 is when they go downhill?!? - Just wondering...

4. If you have a garage sale at 11:36 AM, not very many normal people will come... but, if you have a garage sale WAY earlier... A LOT of not very normal people will come.

5. SNA and SAN are very close airports, in that if you transcribe the letters wrong one becomes the other... but not so much in proximity to one another or to my house. So, try to double check your airline tickets if you are coming to visit me. But, if I love you enough, I will still take you to SAN at 4 AM, if you mess up.

6. I see kids (mostly kids that belong to my friends) and I want to take them home FOREVER! I KNOW... it's no good! But, I can't help it. The thing is, I am pretty sure their moms would just come get them and then think I am REALLY crazy.

7. My roommate, Wendy, is RAD! Want to know why? She snorts... I mean often and loud. AND I LOVE IT. She runs! (This may seem like a stupid thing, but in the 58 years I've lived on my own, none of my roommates ever went running with me... most of them wouldn't even walk with me... but Wendy will go running with me at 9:30 PM on the back back, when I have too much energy.) She's AMAZING! She has very bendy toenails, but they don't break easily. She's LOVES cereal, I mean L-O-V-E-S! She's totally fine sitting in the camping chairs, SINCE WE STILL DON'T HAVE A COUCH... plus, she volunteered to go to Kenya and run the couch over to our house by herself so it would get there faster!- Now that's love. She can't understand anything our Landlord says either (which makes me feel brighter). She's SO easy-going - what a blessing! Sometimes she has crushes on guys and then she can't remember who they are!

8. Most people do not get as excited about things as I do... except maybe Claire. I think that's one of the things I like most about her. Plus, she'll jump on the bed with me.

9. One out of five times I try to figure out my TV/DVD/IPOD-hybrid surround sound home theater system, I can't. So, I give up and try again later.

10. Paula Abdul is on drugs frequently, especially when she is judging American Idol. And, she has had SOOOOO much plastic surgery, she is starting to look an awful lot like one of the Jackson 5... maybe all of the Jackson 5.

Ok, I think I should actually get back to work... it's not like I don't have a ton to do!

Proposition...

This weekend and I ran into some old friends of mine. I was bumping around and doing some Saturday errands, so I was just wearing jeans and this shirt that I got for Christmas that says "Marathon Girl" across the chest. And, of course I got the question I always get "Are you married yet?" - oh wait not that one... "Are you still running?" Korie and Brock and I started talking about running.

The truth is I am SO LAZY lately! The atrophy has caused most of my clothes to look goofy on me (the amazing amount of stress and 3-week illness were contributors as well, I presume). I am supposed to run the Saint George Marathon this year (that is if I get in). And, the truth is I can't seem to get motivated to run at all! I ran on Christmas morning with my baby brother (that was a month ago right?) And, then I ran on Saturday. I only WANTED to run 3 miles, but it turns out I locked myself out - what... I am bright like that! So, I ended up running 4.5 because I had to turn around and run to Robin's house.

So, here's the proposition. Who wants me to pay them to chase me? With a hatchet or something scary, so I might run?!? Or maybe someone could run in front of me with a bag of skittles containing only the yummy green ones solely available in the 'carnival' bag? Any takers?

Please, anyone!?! The ox is in the mire! I NEED to start training!