Neurotic Much?!?

So, my roommate is AMAZING! She's game for anything... one of the many reasons I adore her. The latest thing I talked her into was doing the Fat Smash Diet with me. It's crazy, you have to be a vegetarian (but only for 9 days) and then there are other phases. Luckily, today is day 10, chicken and diet coke never tasted so good.

I got talked into to doing this crazy diet by my friend J. Flo's wife, Veronica. She told me not to buy the book because there wasn't really much we needed to know. But, I think she got sick of me calling Joe a supernumerary amount of times daily to ask him very important questions, such as "how much ketchup can I have?"

So, today Joe brought in the book and told me to copy what I wanted out of it. Basically, I just read it all, not that I didn't have enough to do at work or anything. And, I came across this section that cracked me up. It was a whole list of activities that burn calories. None of these are exaggerations, all ACTUALLY appeared in the book as an activity. The book give calories per minute for exercising, listing a whole myriad of activities including, (I am not kidding): sleeping 1.2 cals/min. as opposed to 1.3 for resting in bed (is there a difference??? - REALLY), standing 1.5 cals/min., conversing 1.8 cals/min. (So apparently THAT is why my metabolism is higher than most... who knew???), washing and dressing 2.6 cals/min., making the bed 3.4 (that's where I lose a few.), showering 3.4 (how is this different than washing? - Is it because of the hybrid of activities standing + washing = showering 3.4???)

Now we get to the fun part. cleaning windows 3.7 cals/min., farming chores 3.8 cals/min. (whatever, the farmers don't care about looking svelt, they wear coveralls for the love of everything good and holy, coveralls hide a multitude of sins, I wonder if I could find a farmer whose willing to do transference of calories with me??? Would that work??? It's about as logical as Carbon offsets if you ask me...), ironing clothes 4.2 cals/min. (we really do need to get our iron fixed Diz.), stacking lumber 5.8, working with a pick and/or shovel 6.7, shoveling snow 7.1, chopping wood 7.5, tree felling 8.4 - 12.7 (I have NO earthly idea what this even is, but I might take it up, just to burn the calories!), walking up stairs 10 - 18 cals/min (Good thing Joe keeps ignoring me when I say "You own a construction firm, when are you going to construct me an elevator???")

Real sports (ummm, I am going to have to refute the first couple of these "sports"): playing billiards 1.8 cals/min (sports??? - really, can you claim athletic prowess if you're a wicking pool player???), pitching horseshoes (sport, I think not) 3.8, ping-pong (sport? hmmm...) 4.9 unless you're Japanese then it's 7.0 because you do it with gusto, golfing in a 4-some 3.7 BUT if you do it in a 2-some it's 5.0 (see, pairing off is better - ha ha ha), archery (sport?) 5.0, bowling 7.0 (too bad it takes less than a minute to bowl and then your back down to the sitting/standing value) slide board 9.0 - 13.0 (once again, what is this???), square dancing (sport?) 7.7, tennis 7.0 - 11 (depending on how good you are, somehow I think I at about a 2 cals/min. range, which as you can see is only slightly higher than the expenditure of calories for standing upright), skipping rope 10.0 - 15.0 (hey hey what do you know???), wrestling 14.0! Who wants wrestle with me???, swimming 6.0 - 12.5 depending on the stroke, walking 5.6 - 7.0, walking in the snow, uphill and barefoot like our parents had to do 10 - 20 (Ok, I am kidding about the uphill and barefoot part, but really the chart has "walking in the snow as a category) ... but the real money-maker is running. 12 min./mile = 10 cals/min., 8 min./mile = 15, 6 min./mile = 20, and 5 min./mile = 25! No wonder those Kenyans are SO ridiculously skinny!

Basically I learned three really important things from this research:
1. - In order to not have to go on these crazy ridiculous diets ever again I would have to resort to moving to Kenya (OK, we all know that wouldn't work - or moving like a Kenyan), or doing a lot more wrestling. And, if all else fails, tree felling still packs a punch.
2. The word "sport" is a REALLY broad term.
3. You would have to be one neurotic person to actually figure out exactly how many more (or less –some days) calories you intake and expend. Somebody buy me a stop watch!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

I present to you Daniel (I don't know his middle name) McCammon or McHammond.

Happy Birthday Big Boy!

ReALLy?

I am kind of a news junkie. And, because I LOVE listening to and reading the news, I often get a dose of not-so-much-news news. Today, I got a big dose of it.

So, apparently UC Davis conducted a study, the results of which gave us this gem of knowledge.

Drum roll please...

Women are far more likely to cry in the workplace than men.

Hello?!? Really? This is news... TO WHO???

Dear UC Davis, you wasted a good amount of grant money on something 99.9% of all people already knew... and the other .1% only don't know because they have no mental abilities.

Now, I like UC Davis, and I don't want to take away ALL their grant money for conducting such a lame study, but the only part I want to let them keep is the part that pays Colby Weeks' (my former roommate's husband) salary, I would hate for him to lose his job. But, maybe he could talk to someone about this.

Fabulous Christmas Beauties

Ok, so this year I scored for Christmas. I REALLY did.

Here are some of my favorite beauties.

This was a gift from my 6-year-old neice Haley!

This was a gift from Maria (the receptionist at my office). I told her she really shouldn't have given me anything. And, I was serious.

But, this has got to be my favorite!

I told my neice Chloe that I wanted a husband who was six feet and made six figures.

I got this guy with no neck and six fingers. Apparently, there was a language barrier between us.

It really was an amazing Christmas.

Huh???

Do you ever have those days where you just know you aren't as bright as you once were?

I have had those days consecutively for about 3 months now. So, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think it's a passing phase, but rather a permanent condition.

And, just in case I thought I was paranoid, today in my office Jonathan said to me "did something fall on you head recently or something?"

I am not as smart as I once was - it's official.

Dazed and Confused...

My friend Melanie (who've I've known and loved forever), flew in on Friday to run the half marathon with me... (and John and Wendy and Helaman). She's so funny. Everytime she gets here we over schedule. This time was no different. As it turns out, we were in the car a lot!

On Saturday, Mel turned to me and said "I am just wondering, in California does every La Quinta Inn have a Hooters below it?"

As it turns out, it was the same "hybrid" (that was for you Mel) establishment that we happened to pass numerous times. I just thought that was such a funny question.

Fuman Skeeto?!?

In my family we have this saying when we play games, "you win, but you lose." It is used to express that by the rules, you win, but by the mere fact that anyone (in particular the person blurting out the absurdly true answer) who knows something so lame is a loser.

I understand that "loser" may be a harsh word. But, hear me out...

So, a week or so ago, we were all just bumming around our house (which is now so divinely decorated in Christmas joy and festivity). And, we decided to play 90s trivial pursuit.

So here's the question (in general - not exactness): What is the name of Chris Kirkpatrick's clothing line?

WHO ??? (For clarification for those of you NORMAL people who do not know, Chris Kirkpatrick - at least I think that's the name - is a member of N'Sync or the Backdoor Boys or some similar boy band!

He has a clothing line??? - SCARY!

So, Melissa Stiles busts out with "Fuman Skeeto". Which is correct. And for which we ALL agreed that she won, but she also lost!

FYI - Melissa was on my team, and we won... but, I am not sure we should have.

P.S. For the record, they got sued for having too close a company name as another company.

P.S.S. Are you kidding... that was just the excuse FMS used for going under, because there is no way anyone would buy these TRAGIC duds! Right???

What the ???

What happened on the Bachelor?

I am confused?

You can not pick any of them???

I mean, that is an option?!?

Who knew???

I am pretty sure the Bachelor has issues!!!

Relationships 101... AGAIN!

So, on Friday I was talking to one of my good friends, a former co-worker of mine. She's not LDS (which becomes pertinent later on in the entry). So, she's telling me that she's been hanging out with this guy for months, they talk everyday, they see each other all the time, etc. So, I ask 'Is he your boyfriend?' To which she responds 'I am not exactly sure. I am confused about that. We are always together, what does that mean?' Of course, I told her I was not the person to ask such things to, since I have yet to figure out most relationship I have or have not had!

I have to admit, albeit a little empathetic to my friends current plight, I was really relieved AND disheartened to find out that in the 'real world' (a.k.a. non-Mormon realm) this type of confusion also exists. (Please note, I am not currently confused about my relationship status, although I often have been).

This brings me to the topic of discussion around our house last night. They were about 8 of us sitting around talking about relationships. It was a basic conversation, the kind that is to be had when guys and girls get together and at least one of each gender is currently confused.

And basically my soapbox today (as derived from our conversation last night) is this:

1. The girl that eats like a NFL Linebacker, but looks like a Victoria Secret Model DOES NOT EXIST.

2. The girl that looks like a runway model fashionista, but spends no money at all to do so ALSO DOES NOT EXIST.

And furthermore, if you like a girl and you think that: a.) talking about making out with other girls; or b.) talking about how hot you find other girls and how hot they find you and what a stud that makes you feel like, is a good game plan to get her to find you desirable - you are dead wrong... but, keep trying it, you wouldn't want to just ask her out THAT could backfire.

Ok, I am done.

Marc... what were you thinking???

I love Marc Jacobs!!!

But, you have got to be kidding me?

These "shoes" cost nearly $400... and they look like mice?

WHAT WENT WRONG?!?

Football... REALLY?!?

Did you have any earthly idea that tickets to a NFL football game cost as much as $500??? That is per ticket!!!

Are you kidding me???

Apparently, I have been living in a van down by the river, because I had NO clue! None!

So, yesterday my former boss contacted me. He still misses me - aaaahhhh. And, no wonder he does. Turns out I hooked him up with tickets to see the Cowboys a few years back. (I don't remember doing this! - But, man am I a rad employee!)

So, my dad used to be the CFO for the broadcasting/advertising agency that represented the Dallas Cowboys. He did this for about 8 years, I'd say. This is why my parents transplanted to Dallas after I graduated high school. Now he's the CFO of an import/export business in Dallas... turns out they're staying there... who knew?!?

Anyway, my point is this. Had I known that all those games my dad drug me to were so flippin' expensive, I would have stood on the corner and pawned my lower level or box seat tickets. That was a lot of money for me to nap in REALLY uncomfortable seats crammed between sweaty beer drinking men!

Can you imagine how many pairs of shoes I'd have now had I known this back then?

The Third Wife (a.k.a. Tuesdays and every other Friday)

So, last week I volunteered to be a part of a fundraiser at the Irvine Hilton for Mitt Romney, more in support of my dear friend M.E. Clayton, than Mitt, but nonetheless - Go Mitt! I had to leave a work a little early, which, of course, spawned numerous conversations about Mormonism, AGAIN.

The polygamy thing... the jokes about them, the supernumerary questions about "Big Love", etc. - they NEVER get old (well at least not to the guys I work with). The V.P. of my company still asks me questions every week when he's done watching "Big Love". 'Does the head wife decide how many wives a man can have?' 'In real life, do all the wives get along well?' 'Why does one dress normal and one dress fancy and one dress like a Pilgrim?' Yada Yada Yada. I have told the man COUNTLESS times that I have never met a polygamist. He swears I am lying!

Anyway, the guys started pelting me questions to ask Mitt (like I was going to see him - but, his wife Anne WAS there)...

Jonathan: Who is Mitt Romney?
Joe R: You idiot, it's that Mormon guy who is running for President.
Joe F: I like him, I am going to vote for him. Can you get your picture taken with him? We'll put it on our company website.
Clint: Can you ask him how he gets his hair to stay all perfect like that?
Joe R: Can you ask him when you can drink and ...???
Me: He's not the Prophet Joe! He is just some guy who happens to be Mormon and happens to be running for President. If I call you and ask you for money on his behalf, will you give it to me.
Joe R: Not unless he lets you loosen up your standards.
Me: Forget it.
Joe F: Can you get your picture taken with him?
Jonathan: How many wives does he have?
Clint: Yea, ask him how many wives he has!
Me: You guys, do you REALLY think if men could have tons of wives, I would STILL not be married? I swear it is only ONE wife these days.
Jonathan: You WOULD make a good third wife.
Clint: Maybe a better forth.
Joe F: Don't forget about the picture!

On that note, this weekend, we decided that for Halloween we (Robin, Wendy, Cori and I) would be wives 1, 2, 3 and 4 to our very own Warren Jeffs (a.k.a. Aaron). Why not??? It already feels like we're on the Bachelor!

These are USUALLY the kinds of emails I get at work...

The Ultimate One-piece!

About a year ago, I moved about 20 minutes closer to work... which is HEAVEN! Anyway, that put me in an entirely different ward (which is a church congregation for my three non-Mormon friends). In my new ward, there was a guy that I had known growing up, albeit not well. His name is Steve Daines (which will make the story more funny, if you know him). So we were chatting one day...

Ali: You probably don't remember this, but my family went with your family and the Bodens to Lake Tahoe when we were in Junior High.
Steve: Yea, I kind of remember that, but not really. Did we make out?
Ali: No, I don't think so, but it wasn't your fault that you didn't have game, I had to wear a one-piece.
Steve: Oh, that makes sense.

The reason I am reminded of this story now is because my roommate sent me this link, so I could buy an new bathing suit, at an end-of the summer price.

Here is the website http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html

I am pretty sure, these girls are NEVER going to get lucky!

Not even in an Amish community!

"Tranny Taking A Bath"

Ok, so I can't stop laughing... and I am at work... alone... in my office, but my office is open and people walk by... and I am still laughing.

I think I have mentioned before how incredibly privy I am to EVERY kind of spam available. I basically delete everything emailed to me (please take this as a blanket apology for any seemingly inexplicable lack of response to any of your individual emails). Anyway, this morning I was deleting basically ALL my mail and I ran across this alluring one titled "Tranny taking a bath." And, CLEARLY that thought of this is really disheartening and laughable.

So, there is this cute little 20-year-old (Steven) who works for us as an intern, and has for all four (4) years I have been at this company. He spends most of his days trying to make me "cool" (which I have never really been, nor do I want to be, but still he tries - most recently explaining the difference between Emo and Screamo music WITH a demo that made me have flashbacks of 'Humanities 101.' He even made me a mixed CD with a lot of songs from a band named Brand New... aaahhhh, sweet huh??? .... But, I am pretty sure I am STILL not cool). So, Steven walked by, looking at me quizzically (as if I am AGAIN being uncool) and he asks me what's so funny.

Ali: There is this SPAM message that is titled "Tranny takes a bath." That is that like a transvestite right?
SR: Right. And?
Ali: And, who would open that? I mean who WANTS to see that? Is that like a train wreck situation, you just can't help it, you don't really want to see it, but then again you can't NOT look?
SR: I totally want to see that! Do you still have it?
Ali: Sorry, but NO. I deleted it about an hour ago.
SR: Oh, that sucks.
Ali: Eeeeewwwwww!

Then I felt the need to conduct an empirical study of this very type of situation. Another guy in my office walked by (38, single... well, unless you count his 22-year-old girlfriend, who looks like, and in all actuality might BE, a stripper).

Ali: Hey, you know when you get those emails that have riveting and descriptive subject titles such as 'Britney Spears bent over a goat"?*
JSM: What???
Ali: You know what I am talking about.
JSM: Huh?
Ali: I am curious, when you open those emails, is that ACTUALLY what the content of the email is? Or, are those the same emails, just more cleverly disguised, designed to get people to look at 'Replica Watches.'
JSM: I don't know, I don't open those!
Ali: Not at work? Or never?
JSM: What???
Ali: I won't tell on you!
JSM: I don't open those!
Ali: Fine, don't tell me.
JSM: Rolls his eyes and walks away…

*Note 1: I still don’t know the answer to this question. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

** Note 2: I contemplated going to Google Images and typing "Tranny taking a bath", but then I got too nervous... there probably IS a visual... and I fear if I saw it, I might never be the same.

Replica Watches???

So, to say that the SPAM filter at my office sucks, would be a gross understatement.

But, here's the deal, if the name of the sender of the spam sounds legitimate (a.k.a. not like a porn-star name) I pretty much have to open the email, because I keep getting vendors and subcontractors and clients that send me stuff and I never know their names and if I don't open EVERYTHING I seem to miss important documents.

So, obviously, like most people (gender-specific SPAM seems to be obsolete), I get hundreds of SPAM emails offering me cheap Viagra, and the ones to help those sweet little African Kings out by letting them store their millions in my bank account, etc... Annoying as they are, I get how they work for the spammers sending them, because people are not bright or apparently high-functioning after a certain age.

However, by far, the most SPAM I receive comes from people who want me to buy Replica Watches for dirt cheap. Is that really THAT big of an industry??? I am confused by this.

Anyone ever get the replica watch spam?

Anyone ever bought a replica watch? If so, I hate you! But, don't take it personally.

Veiled Compliments ???

These are a few that I have received:

"I think your obsession with ketchup is adorable."

"Your hair looks so... ummm... 80s today."

"Wow your toes are long. I mean, you could palm a basketball with those, you could play Olympic sports with those." - this one was given by a guy I dated... but, what did I expect, one of our dates was at Hooters.

This one I got this morning.
Jonathan: "Hello Farrah!"
Me: "Huh???"
Jonathan: "You look like Farrah Fawcett today"
Me: "Like the poster you had on the wall as a kid?"
Jonathan: "No, Just your hair."




FOR THE RECORD, I CAN'T HELP IT, this is what happens when you have quasi-curly hair and you are too lazy to do it!!!

I know I have recieved more, but I can't remember them due to my old-age half-heimsers.

Now, I'd like to hear some of your best veiled compliments... go!

Who is this guy?!?

Sanjaya Malakar?!?







At least I think he's a guy?!?

I could care less what he has done to his hair for the last some-odd weeks!

I am WAY more concerned with what he/she has done to my mom!

I, like Alexander - and most other people in the world, occasionally have a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day". It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I call my mom. Well, first I call my roommate Cori, who tells me basically that I can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Then I call my mom. She gives it to me straight, even though I almost undoubtedly always like Cori's feedback better. She's my mom. And, so I call and I listen.

But, lately she's been REALLY off.

So, just the other day, I called her for advise and to make me feel better, (Cori was out-of-town) and this is basically what she said, "At least you're not crippled*. I have to go now, American Idol is on again, that's what dad and I do for Family Home Evening**."

What the...??? How the...??? Who the...??? Who would chose a he/she (especially one whose greatest aspiration is "to become witty" and apparently conjure up a different style for his coif every week) over their own child?!? When is this show over??? Where is Ryan Seacrest when I really need him??? Can someone please put an end to this madness!?!

Don't get me wrong, my mom, she's one of the greatest things God ever created. She's fabulous!

But, just in case I ever change my mind, does anyone know where I would order one of those moms who would willingly Tanya-Harding the whole cheerleading team, just to procure an opening on the squad for her daughter?

*Note 1: I, in no way, want to sound like an ingrate here or to sound unsympathetic to the plight of those who are physically (or mentally) challenged. Please note, I am in deed grateful for the use of my limbs, and on most days, my mind.

**Note 2: I haven't attended lately, but correct me if I am wrong, I thought F'n HE was only on Mondays?!? Not Tuesdays and Wednesdays or whenever it is that show airs. (I am too busy with more quality shows like "The Hills", "The Bachelor, An Officer and a Gentlemen-caller" and my newest passion "Paradise City"- the epitome of drama and white-trash entertainment, to even care about the likes of "American Idol"!)

No One Dresses Up for the Theater Anymore

So, on Friday, the less-awkward-but-not-by-much part of my weekend, I went to see Wicked with Claire at the Pantages Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. On this night I made 4 very important discoveries...

(1) It is never a good idea to eat at Subway while wearing tulle and fur, people tend to stare at the fanciness of it all.

(2) No one dresses up for the theater anymore. In all our fanciness, we followed in a pack of tweens who were wearing above the knee tube socks, flip flops and lots of denim. To which Claire remarked "it is NEVER OK to wear denim to the theater!"

(3) Turns out most people, not just me, can't go a whole 3 hours without snacking on something.

(4) You definitely need to go farther North on Hollywood Boulevard to find the names of any celebrities you've ever heard of on the star studded walk of fame, there aren't many good ones down by "Argyle Avenue." I guess the Barrymores are past "Vine Street?!?"

Nonetheless, Wicked was absolutely FABULOUS!

Is this really a date?!?

So, I went on a date on Saturday.

How lucky am I?

This guy was darling! He was smart, funny, LDS, in law school, seemed nice, real cute, super sweet, paid for my meal... perfection...

Except, he wasn't MY date.

My friend had been set up with this guy that is the best friend of a mutual friend's little brother. But, she was too shy or nervous or something to go alone, so she brought me ON HER DATE!

It was so awkward. I didn't know when I agreed to hang out with her that I agreed to go on her date with her. But there I was, facilitating a date. AWKWARD!!!

Anyway, I decided that it's a good thing polygamy is out and done for, because I sure could never be the second wife...

Especially, when I am having enough trouble getting to be the first wife.