My Untimely Encounter with Kim Kardashian

So, the other day while at work I had to put together this presentation, but my laptops (that's right, I have 2 for some reason - thanks Joe) were both at home. So, I had to use Jonathan's.

Anyway, he's on the phone with me walking me through some things and I needed a flash drive to save this huge file from our network to his computer... blah, blah, blah... Anyway, he tells me to look in his laptop bag because he thinks he has one in the front pouch.

Not so much. I open it up and I see the December issue of Playboy magazine, which has on it's lovely CLAZZY cover a photo of Kim Kardashian (wearing a Santa hat - THE END). So, I exclaim "Holy, Kim Kardashian!" while I am on the phone with Jonathan. He seems confused at first and then he realized what he made the poor little naive Mormon girl look at.

JSM: Oh, you found my magazine. I forgot about that. Oops.
Ali: Yea, um, it's OK, I guess, don't be embarrassed.
JSM: Oh, I am not! Don't worry.
Ali: OK, sorry, yea, that was more for me.
JSM: What? I am total heterosexual guy.
Ali: Not that I had any doubts. You're not going to use the old 'they have really good articles' line?
JSM: Why would I, I don't even know how to read!

Blindsided!

Doh!

I've worked at the same place for 5 years now... a record for me. And, anyone who knows me knows why! My job, while demanding, is also VERY RAD!

Basically, I have this place figured out. Joe gives out money like he's Daddy Warbucks (and we love him for that!), Jonathan gives out grief like it's going out of style, Clint and Teo give out very high maintenance requests... I mean I have everything here down. There are very few surprises.

So, usually I know who to buy Christmas stuff for at my office, Joe, Ricardo and the girls. Every year that's what I do. It's been fine every year.

I have to admit, I can't take it if I get a gift from someone and I didn't expect it and don't have one in return! It makes me feel guilty. (Shocking, seeing as I NEVER feel guilty about anything... oh wait...) I'd always rather over-give than under-give. So, I am about to leave to Texas in a hour. And, out of no where J. Flo comes in and gives me $100 to the spa! And, then Chris comes in with this pound cake that he made from scratch! Out of no where! I have to bake something in return! But, I don't have time! And, I don't know how to bake! I feel blindsided! Chris just left the gift in my office and is gone for the day, so we're OK there. But, J. Flo... HE HANDED IT TO ME! So this is what transpired next.

J.Flo: Merry Christmas, I owe you big. You do a lot for me!
Ali: What? Wait, no! I don't really. Take this back!
J. Flo: No, it's for you!
Ali: You can't do that! You pulled that out of nowhere. We don't exchange gifts.
J. Flo: Well, it's ok, you do a lot for me.
Ali: Take it back!
J. Flo: What am I going to do at a spa? You deserve it.
Ali: No, not really. As I shuffle in my purse. Here, have this then, Owen gave me a Starbucks card and I don't even drink coffee.
J. Flo: Lauging hysterically.... still!

Neurotic Much!!!

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!

Oh good heavens. Where do I start??? Well, every year at my office we have this HUGE Christmas Party. My boss spends about $100K ($10K on booze, $5K on food $25K on prizes and the rest on the casino, the tent, the lighting, etc.). Ever year it's such a blast!

This is Chris. He asked me if I would pose with him on the pole! Hello... awkward. Then he grabbed my hand... ummmmm... Clearly, he was already drunk when we got there.

One year I brought a date (a real date)! That was... ummm.... 4 years ago. So, I am pretty sure no one at my office suspects I am lesbian... although, you never know. Since then, I have brought Mark (my baby bro.) twice and Cori too. This year I took the girls (Wendy, Cori, Robin and Melanie).

With the exception on a few pregnant women, we were the only sober ones in the bunch. But, I am pretty sure you couldn't tell.

Cori wanted to sit in the bucket of the backhoe.

You all know Robin... therefore, this photo needs no explaining... there was a pole and there was Robin...

The talk in the office today is about how the Mormon girls were really good gamblers. Wendy rolled 7 7s in a row at the craps table - and she didn't even know how to play! So, Joe gave her a mixer or a juicer or something like that.

Joe hires a professional photographer. He took literally at least a few dozen photos of us. I asked him if he was making a calendar... he just laughed.

As you can imagine, 5 single girls (HOT single girls) at a construction party were quite a hit! Everyone got lots of attention.

And, you can only imagine how hot we were after $10K worth of booze! My boss asked me this morning how all my cute blonde friends were. I had to let him down gently, by informing him that most of them were in fact brunettes!

(Wendy, Robin, Cori (the sister-wives), Melanie & I posing for the month of May for our upcoming calendar).

But, Robin definitely got the most attention. One of the casino workers told her that she gave him "the tingles!" (Is that right Robin???) And, I believe he told Robin she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. And, while I won't refute the sentiment, I think she actually believed he'd never said that before! Nonetheless, I would like to present the happy couple! I am pretty sure they are M.F.E.O.

Robin, Joe wanted me to tell you that if you are dumb enough to give this guy your phone number, you better not sue him!

Would you really give this guy (a black guy named "Steve" - which seems like a really white guy name if you ask me) your phone number??? Neither would I!!! But, Robin seemed to think it was a good idea!

At the end of the night I won a 46" Sony Bravia LCD 1080P with an accompanying Sony Bravia Home Theater System. (In all actuality, I have no idea what this means, but Aaron and Rob assure me it's a rad T.V. And, I am pretty sure my dad is more proud of this accomplishment than he is that I graduated college and got a job!)

Everyone in my office decided that it might help me get married! We'll see.

Note: Ladies, Jonathan said you were nice. Clint said you were cute. And, Joe said all the blondes could come back next year (I am pretty sure that means all of you - given his confusion).

Como What?!?

There are very few things that I put my foot down on and actually hold my ground with. I am easily persuaded, usually...

But, Facebook is one of them! Many people have asked, even begged, (John) me to "join".

"Everyone has to have a social network!" Do they really? Because, I refuse!

Ever since I was in pull-ups, my mom told me not to sign up for things I don't understand. This would totally apply to Facebook.

What is a"poke"? Furthermore, what is a "Super Poke?"

What does it mean when someone "throws a sheep" at you?

Why would you pay $1 to send someone an electronic Espresso bean? (Seems like tax for the stupid if you ask me).

No offense to ALL of you... but, I really don't get it!

Relationships 101... AGAIN!

So, on Friday I was talking to one of my good friends, a former co-worker of mine. She's not LDS (which becomes pertinent later on in the entry). So, she's telling me that she's been hanging out with this guy for months, they talk everyday, they see each other all the time, etc. So, I ask 'Is he your boyfriend?' To which she responds 'I am not exactly sure. I am confused about that. We are always together, what does that mean?' Of course, I told her I was not the person to ask such things to, since I have yet to figure out most relationship I have or have not had!

I have to admit, albeit a little empathetic to my friends current plight, I was really relieved AND disheartened to find out that in the 'real world' (a.k.a. non-Mormon realm) this type of confusion also exists. (Please note, I am not currently confused about my relationship status, although I often have been).

This brings me to the topic of discussion around our house last night. They were about 8 of us sitting around talking about relationships. It was a basic conversation, the kind that is to be had when guys and girls get together and at least one of each gender is currently confused.

And basically my soapbox today (as derived from our conversation last night) is this:

1. The girl that eats like a NFL Linebacker, but looks like a Victoria Secret Model DOES NOT EXIST.

2. The girl that looks like a runway model fashionista, but spends no money at all to do so ALSO DOES NOT EXIST.

And furthermore, if you like a girl and you think that: a.) talking about making out with other girls; or b.) talking about how hot you find other girls and how hot they find you and what a stud that makes you feel like, is a good game plan to get her to find you desirable - you are dead wrong... but, keep trying it, you wouldn't want to just ask her out THAT could backfire.

Ok, I am done.

Words of Wisdom... from a construction firm.

I was only in my office 2 days this week. But, I heard the greatest words of wisdom that I just had to pass on.

- "All hot girls show up at the airport wearing those matching sweatsuits. That's how you know they're hot." - Jonathan

J. Flo: I hear that Al Queda is going to bomb all the malls in Southern California. So, basically wherever you go, you're screwed. Or, you could get another hobby.
Ali: I DO love the mall. But, sometimes I go running. You don't love the mall? I would never have guessed.
J. Flo: No, I never go shopping. I avoid it at all costs. I haven't been shopping in 5 years. I know I need to go, but I hate it!
Ali: So, what happens when you have to do laundry and the only thing in your closet looks like something a lumberjack would wear.
J. Flo: Then I show up to work looking like a lumberjack.
Ali: Oh, so that's what happened to today. I was wondering.

- "Women are happier when they are sad. I am serious. It's weird, but true. They LIKE to be sad." - Jonathan

"You met the perfect guy, perfect in every way, but..."

You all know the game! I've made EVERYONE play it! It's the one that goes... "You met the perfect guy (or girl), perfect in everyway, but"... "he has to sleep in a coffin every night" OR "he wears a powder blue tux every Sunday to church" OR "she has a 3-foot tail" OR "he makes you weigh in every morning after you wake up" (my new personal favorite - thanks to Cori) "could you spend eternity with them?" You know how it goes, a you fill in the blank game to see what people's deal breakers are. It's a RAD game! It originated somewhere in the Pierside ward, I first heard it from Spencer Wixom (just to give due credit).

In real life, I guess we all play that game to some degree or another... not that I have ever met anyone perfect, nor am I remotely close on my own account, but still... on a small scale, we all kind of play that game.

Today, I had this one: 'You met the perfect guy, perfect in every way (except for the amazing amount of phlegm he's got going on daily), you've been in like with him for nearly 5 years, your roommate calls him McSteamy, he's brutally honest and has still given you the greatest compliments of your life which never appear disingenuous because they could only possibly be about you, and on a day like today when you are so sick you can barely lift your head up but still have to be at work he leaves to buy you DayQuil and Halls to keep you awake and make you feel better... BUT...

he prays to Budwiser every night!

Oh, and he has a live-in girlfriend who is 14-years his junior and looks like (or in all actually MAY be) a stripper.

Could you do it? Could I do it?

Most days, I'd say no, I have for quite some time... but, today I am massively sick, so hopefully I can make it through the day relying on my mental capabilities and not my emotional ones! I am such a sucker for people who want to take care of me!

The "other" woman...

I came in to work yesterday morning (after spending the last 4 days in NYC) and I was immediately pounced on with various and sundry tasks (seemingly of little importance, but still necessary and apparently too trivial for the men to take care of).

In the middle of receiving questions and instructions from several of the guys, the other Director came in and asked me if I wore make-up. He was serious and clearly distraught. I almost laughed because I was so not picking up whatever he was putting down. I thought for sure I was being teased about that ONE day last week when I forgot my make-up bag after Shahana (I am now 98% sure that's my personal trainer's name) worked the living ... out of me. I didn't answer him. I just cocked my head and stared at him quizzically. He told me it was important that he figure this out. I asked what he was talking about.

Then he explained. As it turns out, no one in my company ACTUALLY wants to work. They like to do "P.R." But, it isn't technically "P.R." in my office unless you can get rip roaring drunk. If it's networking to actually get work without getting sloshed, I get sent to take care of it. So, a few weeks ago, I had to go with Clint (the other Director) to this ridiculously boring meeting in L.A. He drove. Turns out the make-up powder compact that I keep in my purse fell out in his car. Last weekend he found it. He took it into his wife and told her that he found her make-up. Uh-oh. She quickly told him it wasn’t hers. In his words, the whole episode “ruined his night.” So, Clint got nervous and came into work yesterday and asked Joe if he thought the powder was mine. And, Joe said "no, she doesn't really wear make-up." What?!? What does he mean I don't wear make-up? I apologized to Clint and then totally innerved walked into Joe's office and asked what he was talking about!
Ali: Joe, why did you tell Clint I don't wear make-up?
Joe: You don't, do you?
Ali: Joe! Are you kidding?
Joe: No, come here, let me see.
Ali: Joe! This is me, WITH make-up! This is as good as it gets for me! This is the best I can look! You SO don't want to see me without make-up. I can't believe you!
Joe: What?!? I wasn’t saying… um… you look good.
Ali: Whatever!

(I also think Joe told Clint this to confess to him something that may or may not be going on. I think he was trying to assuage his own conscience - or find it, given his propensity for infidelity.)

It's been a rough month for me here! I wish the HR girl hadn't made the guys take that sexual harassment class. I had WAY more self-esteem before that blasted class!

So later on, Clint calls me into his office and said that the first part of the story was that he found the compact, but even more entertaining was his continued conversation with Joe about the said episode.

Clint: Want to hear something funny. When I told Joe that the make-up HAD to be yours, he asked me if I was having an affair with you! He seemed a little surprised and ticked off. Isn't that funny?
Ali: The thought of me having an affair with you. Yes, that's WAY funny.
Clint: What is that supposed to mean???
Payback is kind of fun. I love being evasive!

'That Joke Never Gets Old...'

So, a little while ago I got this text message sent to me that was OBVIOUSLY not intended for me. It was from a guy I know. There are two main reasons I knew it wasn't for me. First, it was way cryptic, something about "getting cowboys" or something - sounded kind of brokeback, if you ask me. But, more importantly, it said "Hey Tami"... which, last time I check was neither my name nor any moniker I ever remember receiving. Anyway, Jonathan was in my office when this text came in and I read it aloud. I mainly just laughed thinking it was pretty funny, given the source and the situation. But, he REALLY laughed. I mean there is a high probability there was snorting involved.

But, I digress... the point is, this was like 2 weeks ago or something and Jonathan STILL finds it wildly entertaining. Since the incident I have only been called 'Tami', not my real name. I mean in every possible media, phone, email, text and all other general conversation. This is, of course, done with supreme laughter. He likes to switch up how he slips in the 'Tami' joke. It's really not THAT funny. But, today's version was pretty funny. Jonathan called while I was coming back from a meeting this morning.

Jonathan: Hey woman, where you at?
Ali: I am in San Bernardino. I am actually putting gas in my car right now and I am really glad you called.
Jonathan: What? Really? You're never glad I called. What's going on?
Ali: Well, there's this homeless man and he keeps hitting on me. I already gave the guy money. Now he's just gawking and talking.
Jonathan: laughing... breathe... laughing. So how's that working out for you? More laughing...
Ali: Quite well, actually. I am thinking of going out with him.
Jonathan: Well, at least he didn't call you Tami!!! Extreme laughing and then... wait for it... wait for it... SNORT... continuous laughing.
Ali: You're right Jonathan. The homeless guy probably does have a leg-up on that guy.

The Third Wife (a.k.a. Tuesdays and every other Friday)

So, last week I volunteered to be a part of a fundraiser at the Irvine Hilton for Mitt Romney, more in support of my dear friend M.E. Clayton, than Mitt, but nonetheless - Go Mitt! I had to leave a work a little early, which, of course, spawned numerous conversations about Mormonism, AGAIN.

The polygamy thing... the jokes about them, the supernumerary questions about "Big Love", etc. - they NEVER get old (well at least not to the guys I work with). The V.P. of my company still asks me questions every week when he's done watching "Big Love". 'Does the head wife decide how many wives a man can have?' 'In real life, do all the wives get along well?' 'Why does one dress normal and one dress fancy and one dress like a Pilgrim?' Yada Yada Yada. I have told the man COUNTLESS times that I have never met a polygamist. He swears I am lying!

Anyway, the guys started pelting me questions to ask Mitt (like I was going to see him - but, his wife Anne WAS there)...

Jonathan: Who is Mitt Romney?
Joe R: You idiot, it's that Mormon guy who is running for President.
Joe F: I like him, I am going to vote for him. Can you get your picture taken with him? We'll put it on our company website.
Clint: Can you ask him how he gets his hair to stay all perfect like that?
Joe R: Can you ask him when you can drink and ...???
Me: He's not the Prophet Joe! He is just some guy who happens to be Mormon and happens to be running for President. If I call you and ask you for money on his behalf, will you give it to me.
Joe R: Not unless he lets you loosen up your standards.
Me: Forget it.
Joe F: Can you get your picture taken with him?
Jonathan: How many wives does he have?
Clint: Yea, ask him how many wives he has!
Me: You guys, do you REALLY think if men could have tons of wives, I would STILL not be married? I swear it is only ONE wife these days.
Jonathan: You WOULD make a good third wife.
Clint: Maybe a better forth.
Joe F: Don't forget about the picture!

On that note, this weekend, we decided that for Halloween we (Robin, Wendy, Cori and I) would be wives 1, 2, 3 and 4 to our very own Warren Jeffs (a.k.a. Aaron). Why not??? It already feels like we're on the Bachelor!

All In A Days Work...

My company has nearly $20 million worth of construction work on-going at San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino. I love that place. It's rad.

So, in the name of Business Development, we threw a BBQ at San Manuel. We had it inside the fire house.

Apparently only me and 6-year-old boys are facinated with firemen and fire trucks. But, lucky for me, most people have a hard time saying "no" to me. It must be my charm... what can I say?

So, the firemen were totally having a grand old time dressing us up. They even gave us props. They were all lined up handing us things to hold. The jaws of life were just too heavy for me.

And, I REALLY wanted to slide down the 3-story pole. The Chief said I couldn't because it was a liability to the fire station, should anything happen to me. He told me "You have to have a pole certificate." To which I responded, "Oh, ok then, I am totally in luck, turns out I already have one of those for my night job." Clearly, my quick wit paid off! I totally rocked the pole... here was my stellar finish.

When I grow up, I totally want to be a fireman (OK maybe I just want to be with a fireman - I don't actually consider myself brave under pressure, just a little nuts)!

I am totally serious - this is what I got paid to do at work today! A couple more events like this and I am thinking of making my own calendar!

These are USUALLY the kinds of emails I get at work...

"Tranny Taking A Bath"

Ok, so I can't stop laughing... and I am at work... alone... in my office, but my office is open and people walk by... and I am still laughing.

I think I have mentioned before how incredibly privy I am to EVERY kind of spam available. I basically delete everything emailed to me (please take this as a blanket apology for any seemingly inexplicable lack of response to any of your individual emails). Anyway, this morning I was deleting basically ALL my mail and I ran across this alluring one titled "Tranny taking a bath." And, CLEARLY that thought of this is really disheartening and laughable.

So, there is this cute little 20-year-old (Steven) who works for us as an intern, and has for all four (4) years I have been at this company. He spends most of his days trying to make me "cool" (which I have never really been, nor do I want to be, but still he tries - most recently explaining the difference between Emo and Screamo music WITH a demo that made me have flashbacks of 'Humanities 101.' He even made me a mixed CD with a lot of songs from a band named Brand New... aaahhhh, sweet huh??? .... But, I am pretty sure I am STILL not cool). So, Steven walked by, looking at me quizzically (as if I am AGAIN being uncool) and he asks me what's so funny.

Ali: There is this SPAM message that is titled "Tranny takes a bath." That is that like a transvestite right?
SR: Right. And?
Ali: And, who would open that? I mean who WANTS to see that? Is that like a train wreck situation, you just can't help it, you don't really want to see it, but then again you can't NOT look?
SR: I totally want to see that! Do you still have it?
Ali: Sorry, but NO. I deleted it about an hour ago.
SR: Oh, that sucks.
Ali: Eeeeewwwwww!

Then I felt the need to conduct an empirical study of this very type of situation. Another guy in my office walked by (38, single... well, unless you count his 22-year-old girlfriend, who looks like, and in all actuality might BE, a stripper).

Ali: Hey, you know when you get those emails that have riveting and descriptive subject titles such as 'Britney Spears bent over a goat"?*
JSM: What???
Ali: You know what I am talking about.
JSM: Huh?
Ali: I am curious, when you open those emails, is that ACTUALLY what the content of the email is? Or, are those the same emails, just more cleverly disguised, designed to get people to look at 'Replica Watches.'
JSM: I don't know, I don't open those!
Ali: Not at work? Or never?
JSM: What???
Ali: I won't tell on you!
JSM: I don't open those!
Ali: Fine, don't tell me.
JSM: Rolls his eyes and walks away…

*Note 1: I still don’t know the answer to this question. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

** Note 2: I contemplated going to Google Images and typing "Tranny taking a bath", but then I got too nervous... there probably IS a visual... and I fear if I saw it, I might never be the same.

Again... am I supposed to be flattered or offended???

My life is one quasi-flattering/quasi-insulting statement after another, day in and day out. This week at my office, Jonathan said to me "nice hair, but ever since you got your hair cut, you seem a lot more confused!"

What??? - Apparently, with my old haircut, I might have understood what he meant by that.

So, it happened again today. I got another one of those statements that was the 2-edged sword of compliments, which CLEARLY are the only compliments I get.

Here's what happened. In an effort to take back my soul from "the man", I left my office a 2 PM today! It was fabulous! Robin and I put on workout clothes and attempted to go for a walk. I am convinced we might have gone farther than 2 blocks if it weren't so bloody hot! So, we canned the walk and headed to "Modern Nails" for pedicures. On the way out of the salon, I was trying to get into my car and there were these hoodlums standing there blocking my car door, I said pardon and a hoodlum said, "oh, no worries, don't trip," (Why thank you, how considerate of you to let me get in my car). It was a process just to get in. But, once we sat down Robin noticed she had taken the towel from the nail salon, she looked down at the foam florescent flip flops she was wearing and decided that it would take her forever to return the towel. So, me and my mile-long legs volunteered to run Honest Abe's towel back into the salon. I was gone for about 30 seconds and as I was returning, the hoodlums (2 girls and 2 guys) were driving off, so I didn't have to "trip" in order to get in my car whew. I get in the car and here's what happened...

Robin: Do you know what a M.I.L.F. is?
Ali: Yea, my brother told me what it meant once. Why would you all the sudden ask me that?
Robin: Well that girl who was with those little punks tapped on the window and said 'your mom is a M.I.L.F.'
Ali: Does she know your mom?
Robin: She asked if YOU were my mom.
Ali: The GIRL said that?!?
Robin: Yea, and I kept asking her what she was saying and she repeated it like 10 times M-I-L-F.
Ali: Well that sucks for me. Your mom? I am only 2 years older than you!?!
Robin: What's a M.I.L.F.???
Ali: So, the GIRL said I was a M.I.L.F.?
Robin: YES. What's a M.I.L.F.???
Ali: Mother I'd like to F.... you can figure it out from there right?
Robin: Oooooohhhhhhh... well, why didn't she think I was a M.I.L.F.?
Ali: Apparently, you don't look good for being in your 40s or 50s, like I do. And it was a SHE. Don't be offended! That's my right.
Robin: At least SHE was attracted to you.

Veiled Compliments ???

These are a few that I have received:

"I think your obsession with ketchup is adorable."

"Your hair looks so... ummm... 80s today."

"Wow your toes are long. I mean, you could palm a basketball with those, you could play Olympic sports with those." - this one was given by a guy I dated... but, what did I expect, one of our dates was at Hooters.

This one I got this morning.
Jonathan: "Hello Farrah!"
Me: "Huh???"
Jonathan: "You look like Farrah Fawcett today"
Me: "Like the poster you had on the wall as a kid?"
Jonathan: "No, Just your hair."




FOR THE RECORD, I CAN'T HELP IT, this is what happens when you have quasi-curly hair and you are too lazy to do it!!!

I know I have recieved more, but I can't remember them due to my old-age half-heimsers.

Now, I'd like to hear some of your best veiled compliments... go!

Singled Out!

Today is Good Friday... but, apparently it's only good if you’re a Catholic!

Controller: We are closing the office at 3:00 PM today, for Good Friday.
Ali: Alright, that's nice.
Joe: You have to stay here, you're Mormon. But, the rest of us get to leave early, we have to drag a cross through the town, and that takes a while."
Ali: What?!?

I am pretty sure that's discrimination. But, just in case I am wrong, I hope no one minds that I will be pondering the Catechisms of life through a Catholic vantage point, but only for about half a day.

"You don't HAVE to bring a date, but I wouldn't want you to feel awkward..."

I feel manipulated by this statement!

I am the only white female in this office of mine. And, throw "Hard Core Mormon" (the guys can never just say that I am a Mormon they always have to throw in "Hard Core") into the mix, and that ups the ante on peculiar. None of my paycheck is siphoned off to support would-be children, which is a rarity in Construction. I don't currently, nor have I ever, had an affair with someone else's significant other. The list goes on and on of things that people in this office might find odd about me. If I was going to "feel awkward", it would have happened LONG before next weekend.

So, this morning the other Director just came into my office and asked me about this Awards Benefit that I am being forced to attend (against my will and better judgment)! I have to go. It would be a bad career move for me to dog out. So, I agreed to attend. But, why do I have to bring a date?!? There's no sense in BOTH of us feeling "awkward."

Plus, I don't know anyone that owns a tux, or anyone who owes me enough favors to actually rent one AND attend a really boring function where EVERYONE will be drunk (before they even show up to the event)!

To date, I have never asked out a guy... with maybe one exception, I asked a friend of mine (that had a girlfriend, who I also was friends with) to go to my work Christmas Party, because it was a Casino Night and he was from Vegas and taught me how to gamble (pre-Prophet prohibition, not that I ever threw down any substantial money or anything - but I did win $1,200 once, courtesy of some drunk old geezer who picked me to be his "good luck charm". And, he let me keep it!)

I am just not that girl that could ask out a guy... that's where I would feel "Awkward".

Let it be said, that the last time I brought a guy to a work function (I didn't ask him, he asked me if he could accompany me), they teased him relentlessly about being Mormon, hanging out with me and serving a mission, then they made him the "designated driver" after dinner. What the??? - I wish I was kidding!

Ever since my All-State date got married and my baby brother moved out-of-state, I have been strapped for dates to obligatory functions. Sad, but true!

Nonetheless, I am holding my ground and going solo... just because I don't want to be manipulated by a guy who is color-blind!

Either that, or I might hire a date!

But, one thing is for sure. Screw giving Mr. Colorblind purple pens and passing them off as blue. I just had the receptionist order a box of pink ones... I'll show him awkward!

It Would Suck to be Color-blind

There are two (2) Directors in my office, me and "the other guy."

The other guy is color-blind.

So, I keep giving him pens with purple ink... which, according to other men, is NOT OK.

Hee Hee Hee..

The mean-streak continues...

In Honor of Barney!

Uh oh. There are several people in my office wearing purple today. It doesn't happen often.

With the exception of me, everyone on my floor wears construction boots and jeans most days. But, every once in a while they pull out something fun, like a plum button-up or a lavender polo shirt.

The last time this happened, I also coincidentally, was wearing a purple cardigan. Joe (el jefe) walked into my office wearing his plum-colored button-up, Joe (the estimator) came in wearing a lavender-colored polo shirt and then into my office strolls Joe (the Project Manager) - No Joke, they are ALL named Joe - and he says:

"What the [bleep], is it Barney's birthday?"

So, I figured, it must be his birthday again today.
Happy birthday Barney, thanks for all the years of child entertainment and adult torture! Hope its a good one!

Battle Pay???

So, as I have mentioned, I work in Pomona. And, as I have mentioned, IT IS SHADY IN POMONA. Last year, a friend of mine told me that he feared for my life and so it was his intention to find me a "red Kevlar sweater". Um... so I had no idea what or who Kevlar was, and I know my sweater designers! He informed me it was the maker of bullet-proof vests, but that he was sure I'd refuse to wear one, since they're ugly, so he was going to see what he could do about getting them to make me a bullet-proof sweater. Sure enough, one morning I found a shopping bag on my car with a red sweater (made by Target or something) hand-stitched were the numbers "9-0-9" on the right sleeve and the inside was lined with a pillow, which was sewn in. That was funny back then... but, now, I might actually need it!

The reason my office is in Pomona is not because of it's proximity to the owners, neither of whom would be caught dead (no pun intended) living in the area. One lives in a palatial mansion in Chino Hills and the other "behind the gates" in Coto de Caza. But, our company is in a HUBZone (Historically Under-utilized Business Zone). This gives us special preference for contracts issued by the Department of Defense, our main client. It also puts me in harms way. There is a great reason why the "zone" is under-utilized... fear of impending injury, even death!

So, within the past year there have been 3 SCARY incidents, of which I am aware, (I am sure there are WAY more, but I am trying not to pay attention). Please note, I am not exaggerating! Once I had to drive all the way around the city trying to find a way into the parking lot of my building, because apparently there was a hit and run fatality on the other side of the street, I saw the body covered with a sheet! Aaaahhhh! Next there was a nice couple with their 2 kids in the back seat getting gas about 6 blocks from my office, the husband/father was shot point blank in the head, without cause, and was pronounced DOA. I had to divert my patronage to a new gas station. Actually, I try to pump up in the O.C. these days. The latest happened today. Three contractors got shot on their way to 7-eleven to get something to eat (this is gross, I know, but they are contractors, that’s where they eat lunch), this was about a mile from my office. All three were shot multiple times.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-shooting21mar21,1,3115934.story?coll=la-headlines-california&ctrack=1&cset=true

At what point is it appropriate to ask for a raise, not based on performance, but more on fear, I think the military calls this "battle pay"???