To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, June 29, 2007

Again... am I supposed to be flattered or offended???

My life is one quasi-flattering/quasi-insulting statement after another, day in and day out. This week at my office, Jonathan said to me "nice hair, but ever since you got your hair cut, you seem a lot more confused!"

What??? - Apparently, with my old haircut, I might have understood what he meant by that.

So, it happened again today. I got another one of those statements that was the 2-edged sword of compliments, which CLEARLY are the only compliments I get.

Here's what happened. In an effort to take back my soul from "the man", I left my office a 2 PM today! It was fabulous! Robin and I put on workout clothes and attempted to go for a walk. I am convinced we might have gone farther than 2 blocks if it weren't so bloody hot! So, we canned the walk and headed to "Modern Nails" for pedicures. On the way out of the salon, I was trying to get into my car and there were these hoodlums standing there blocking my car door, I said pardon and a hoodlum said, "oh, no worries, don't trip," (Why thank you, how considerate of you to let me get in my car). It was a process just to get in. But, once we sat down Robin noticed she had taken the towel from the nail salon, she looked down at the foam florescent flip flops she was wearing and decided that it would take her forever to return the towel. So, me and my mile-long legs volunteered to run Honest Abe's towel back into the salon. I was gone for about 30 seconds and as I was returning, the hoodlums (2 girls and 2 guys) were driving off, so I didn't have to "trip" in order to get in my car whew. I get in the car and here's what happened...

Robin: Do you know what a M.I.L.F. is?
Ali: Yea, my brother told me what it meant once. Why would you all the sudden ask me that?
Robin: Well that girl who was with those little punks tapped on the window and said 'your mom is a M.I.L.F.'
Ali: Does she know your mom?
Robin: She asked if YOU were my mom.
Ali: The GIRL said that?!?
Robin: Yea, and I kept asking her what she was saying and she repeated it like 10 times M-I-L-F.
Ali: Well that sucks for me. Your mom? I am only 2 years older than you!?!
Robin: What's a M.I.L.F.???
Ali: So, the GIRL said I was a M.I.L.F.?
Robin: YES. What's a M.I.L.F.???
Ali: Mother I'd like to F.... you can figure it out from there right?
Robin: Oooooohhhhhhh... well, why didn't she think I was a M.I.L.F.?
Ali: Apparently, you don't look good for being in your 40s or 50s, like I do. And it was a SHE. Don't be offended! That's my right.
Robin: At least SHE was attracted to you.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Guilty Pleasure #489

I have MANY guilty pleasures. For example, I love the Richie's. I love them both equally - Lionel and Nicole (who recently taught Jon Benet Ramsey wannabes to flip the bird).

And, thanks to Julie Jones, I HEART Miami Ink.

My roommate is fabulous, she Tivoed 3 episodes of Miami Ink for me to watch while she is in Seattle. Currently, I am watching an Octogenarian get an "A" on her arm. She apparently never read the Scarlet Letter... REALLY this lady was 80 years young! She just told Ami that she wanted to be identifiable in the event a hurricane got the best of her. She wanted it to be tasteful so the seniors didn't “gossip about her”. Oh, I am dying... this episode is FAB.

Ok, so I would NEVER get a tattoo... although, when I was 18 I DID go into a tattoo parlor WITH money and asked for an angel above my left hip bone. What the …??? Fortunately for me, the tattoo artist said I was too thin and the needle would hit my bone. Man have I changed, I can't even find my hip bone these days... but I sure am glad they were protruding way back then. I never even had a wild streak. Can you imagine me with a tat? Whatever!

But, if I had to get a tattoo... like if there was a gun to my head... I would get Xavier Adams' signature on my right cheek... in the vein of my 11 cabbage patch kid upbringing. I literally had them all... cornsilk hair, premies, you name it.

Would any of you ever get tattoos? If so, of what? Where? How large? With or without a gun pointed to your head?

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Remember when I actually wrote on this blog?!?

Then I got snowed at work, so I basically sold my soul for a paycheck.

Ya... well... that wasn't so fun.

Three weeks ago, I told my boss that I was done, I didn't want to work anymore.

It didn't stick. He basically said "no". What the...

But, I got a REALLY nice raise... so I guess I sold my soul for a larger paycheck, which is a little better, I guess... and well, the majority of my soul actually was left at Senor frogs in Cancun a few weeks back anyway... so I didn't have much of one left anyway.
I got an all expense paid trip to Tulsa, OK!

No offense to any of you Oakies... but, I am SO glad I don't live in OK.

Did you know that the license plates there say "Oklahoma OK"? I get the paradox with the postal code... and while it's cleaver, the flip side is that you are admitting that your state is merely mediocre. Which it is.

To make matters worse, I arrived in Dallas at 1:30 AM and had to drive 4 1/2 hours to Tulsa. On my drive I saw 13 dead armadillos and 1 road kill... buffalo??? - Is that possible... whatever it was... it was HUGE. And, I also saw these signs, at least 6 of them, they said "Don't drive into the smoke." I don't get it? Besides the obvious idea that one should probably never drive into smoke intentionally, what would that mean? Why would the Oakies have so many of them? I didn't see any smoke! Anyone??? Bueller??? Bueller??? - I am serious, does anyone know the answer to this? It's buggin' me.
But, there was an upside! I got to go to my 4-year old nephew Christian's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. And, I am not going to lie... I liked it. I think that the ankle-biters were getting sick of me taking their tokens, but I did get a ridiculous amount of tickets playing skee ball (I HEART that game). And, I took Chloe, my newly 7-year-old neice, to IHOP and Barnes & Noble for her birthday which was on Tuesday. She dubbed it the "best day ever!" And, little Izzy turned 2 on Sunday, same day as Christian. So, I thought I'd give them all a shout out... Happy Birthday Muffins...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Have you ever gotten a pedicure while wearing a skirt???

No... well, me either... I mean, who in their right mind would do that?

It's complicated and awkward.

I do not recommend it... not that I am dumb enough to try that, but...