To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Mid-week Musings (The Chu Post)

My best conversations these days happen over Gchat.

So, without any further introduction, I will let you all be privy to one of the more entertaining conversations of my week. (Please note, some portions have been truncated, due to excessive length; however, I tried to keep in the entertaining parts.)

Jm: Another productive day?

Me: Well, if by productive you mean I got here by 8:30 than no, I got here at 8:38. But, if by productive you mean I have already made some online purchases, then yes. Yes, it has!

Jm: Hahaha. What do you buy online?

Me: Today I bought a pair of bright yellow sailor pants and a few tops. So, cute.

Me: So, I have this story for you. There is this market across the street. I go there to buy diet coke (don't judge me), I am still off the wagon. It's seedy at best. It's called "La Chiquita Market". What ethnicity would you presume the owner to be?

Jm: Hmmmm...

Me: If you said (or were going to say) Laotian, you would be right.

Jm: hahaha.

Me: Chu is from Laos. Clearly, all he does all day is eat and eat and eat WHILE he is selling stuff. Sometimes, while he is watching Asian porn or reading Asian newspapers. Anywho, most days when I go in there I am the only person who pays with cash... most people keep a tab. And, they pay Chu when they get paid. So anyway, whenever I go to La Chiquita Market (which could be one a day or could be 10x a day, depending on my proximity to the wagon), people say stuff to me - usually really really weird stuff. And, usually they are homeless or Hispanic. Either way they are brown, whether from God or from dirt. Today my favorite homeless man was there. This is not a joke. I have a favorite homeless man. His name is Daniel. And, he is very solicitous of me and complimentary in only the way a mentally challenged individual can be. Today, when I was over there, Daniel kept repeating "big pretty girl, big pretty girl, such a big pretty girl." And, while most chicks don't like being called "big" (myself included), I took it as a compliment given the fact that besides being kind of tall, I am not actually all that big.

Chu. (The only time I have been in there and he WASN'T eat AND Smoking, plus he's kind of looking up in this photo. I just think he's not used to be photographed).Just trying to prove that I fit in. La Chiquita Market loves blond haired, blue eyed, white girls, I promise!

Jm: Is Daniel's skin brown from dirt or brown from God?

Me: Dirt. So, I went over there again this afternoon - again, don't judge me. It may or may not have been the second time today I have been there.

Jm: It just has to do with your current distance from the wagon?

Me: Exactly, ok it's the third.

Jm: Wow, you are far!

Me: I think I told you in the disclaimer portion of our relationship that I would not have made a very good pioneer. Super not good with wagons.

Jm: hahaha.

Me: Anyway, I just went back and there was this new homeless guy.

Jm: If you are such a regular, why don't you start a tab with Chu?

Me: Well, you see, Chu speaks Laotion. Clearly, he would rob me. And, I would have no idea if he was right or wrong. So, I like to pay up front. But, I will have you know that today I stole from Chu. It was not intentional. The new brown from God dude got me all flustered. He was all creepy and staring me up and down. And, he looked straight at me and said "you are the prettiest girl I have seen..." And, then he kept thinking and thinking and stammering. And then he ended with "in two year. Yep, that's right, in about two years." And, I said thank you and he was still creepily staring at me. And, usually I buy two diet cokes at a time. That's right - I can't even see the wagon right now! But, since it's the end of the day, I only took $.50 instead of a $1. Because, it was late in the day and I only NEEDED one diet coke to get me through the day. And, in my haste, I took two, and only paid for one! So, I stole. But, don't worry tomorrow I will give him $1, but take only one diet coke. Don't worry, he barely ever looks up anyway.

Jm: So, Daniel your favorite homeless man made you steal? Or a different brown guy? Because I thought Daniel was brown from dirt? It's all very confusing.

Me: No, Daniel did not make me steal. New guy - who claims I am "the prettiest girl" he's seen in "two years." I am not sure what that's about? But, he DOES look like he might have just been released from prison...

Jm: But, the fact is you stole, and most likely it's because you're an addict and addicts steal to support their addictions. I'll bet you Chu started your tab today. He noticed. Wrote it down. And, in a few days he'll tell you that you took 5 diet cokes instead of just one.

Me: Maybe. And, if he does, I will pay him $2.50 to ease my conscience. But, truthfully, usually he just takes the money and never looks up. I, however, will remember this UNTIL I pay him. I better learn how to say "I accidentally stole this." in Laotian.

Me: Are you getting excited?

Jm: For your explanation to Chu tomorrow? For your next encounter with the new brown guy? For your yellow sailor pants? For you to tell me about how much cake you ate and then how many miles you ran?

Me: Well, of course, you should be excited about all of the above.

Jm: And, I am!

Me: But, no. I am blogging about something you're going to love. Consequently, I ate NO cake today.

Jm: Unfortunate.

Me: I ate no breakfast at all. But, I did run 7 miles - very slowly, I might add.

Jm: hahaha. You think cake and you think breakfast?!? Amazing.

Me: Well... who doesn't?

Jm: You're right. Probably no one.

Please note. The next day I paid Chu $.50. My debt is paid. All is right with the world. I did not steal, only borrowed, which is more than I can say for most of his other patrons.

Monday, September 19, 2011


This photo just about pushes me over the edge...

Bucket List Item #1: Top this photo.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ebay = Stress

So, last night I was having a bit of trouble sleeping. But, finally I fell asleep for about a few hours, and then I was awakened by an earthquake... and then after I got a 3 AM diet coke, I started looking on ebay. (I can't explain it, that's just how my brain works).

Now, first I should mention that I need NOTHING. But, if I had to pick one thing I need the LEAST, it would be clothes.

But, there it was, the cutest little top from Anthropolgie, selling on Ebay for $7.49... and so I bid. And, for 14 straight hours, I started planning my life... all around this cute little top. I had so many outfits all made up in my head. It is such a cute top.

The last 5 minutes of the auction were stressful... I mean SO stressful. I think I might have developed an ulcer. Ugh.

And, BAM... out of nowhere, another bidder, and then another... and another ... next thing I know, some chick in New Jersey shattered my dreams and won the top that I wanted.... Now, I guess she gets to have the life I wanted... the one I dreamed of for 14 straight hours (which is long for me to have the same plan... or any plan really)!


But, when I really think about it, my life plan wasn't that grand after all. Because that cute little top... the one I saw adorned on my body in the eternities... well, it was actually a size too big. And, in my head I thought 'I could totally eat my way into that!'

And, no good plan ever started with those words.

So, I guess all things work out for the best.

Friday, September 2, 2011

These shirts are awesome.

The other day I saw someone rocking this shirt....

Huh? Trees are cool. I dig 'em. But, that does not make them people. So.... someone explain that one to me?!? I have been confused all week. The same way my mom was confused in Kung Fu Panda when she leaned over to me about a dozen times and whispered "How can the duck be the Panda's dad?!?"

About 6 months ago my rather rotund co-worker was rocking this t-shirt....

... with about 8 inches of his undercarriage (belly) exposed. And, in my head I thought 'if I had small children, I would warn them to stay away from you, because you look like a creeper'. Let it be known, he was also wearing sweats... which is not really work place attire, right?!?

And, then I saw this shirt... which I think is awesome. And, I want it.

Who am I kidding?!? I want one of all of these.