To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Score one for Barron Hilton!

Paris Hilton cried over having to go to jail! (Not that I think a cavity search would be pleasant, the mere thought of it makes even me a little teary-eyed).
But, word on the street (a.k.a. KFI and People Magazine) is that Barron Hilton exed her from his will. She was said to have been lined up to receive anywhere from $25 to $60 million (depending on the source).

I kind of like of like the old guy! Not bad Barron.

Do you think he would start putting the BOM in his hotel rooms like J.W. Marriott?
Probably not - the chances seem slim...

Doesn't matter. I still like him.

Monday, July 30, 2007

I HEART the O.C. Fair!

It balances out my annoyance with Fashion Island... whenever, I go shopping there I am always walking around thinking "Where are all the real people, the ones not made of plastic?" "And, why in the world are all these Tom Foolios sporting Prada Dog Purses and Maltese Poodles as accessories?"

But, at the O.C. Fair I think "Aaaaahhhhh, real people." Even better, I feel relatively attractive at the O.C. Fair. Having all my teeth and clothes that cover the unattractive parts of the human body give me a definite advantage. What's not to LOVE.

Nothing beats:

(1) The craft area, because it's SO cheesy and small town.

(2) Those ridiculously large animals behind a sheet that you can gander at for only $1 (Yes, I have seen every one of them!)

(3) Really unsafe roller coasters, which are put together in A day, by uneducated toothless carni-folk, the near death experience only enhances the thrill of the adventure.

(4) The demolition derby!

(5) All the life-size wood cutouts that you can stick your head into.


(7) Funnel Cake! I HEART Funnel Cake!

(8) Professional eaters... lots of professional eaters (due in large part to #6 and #7!)

(9) It's a what-not-to-where paradise. (Why in the world would one wear two backpacks?!? ONE ON EACH THIGH!?! - Only at the Fair). would have a field day at the O.C. Fair!

10) Carni-folk... oh, the carni-folk!
(11) Fabulous concerts (usually) for about $20 - including free admission to experience #1 - #10.
This year, being unavoidably excited, we went to the fair on opening night. Which was not a good idea. There were so many VERY AFFECTIONATE lesbians there.


I was really proud of myself for figuring out why they all came on opening night. Willie Nelson was in concert! Lesbians LOVE Willie Nelson... ever since he donated his sperm to Melissa Etheridge and her partner he's been a HUGE hit in the lesbian community. Of course, that's why they were in attendance... rampant as all get out! It had to be Willie Nelson...

You can imagine my dismay when I shared my clever theory with a friend and was made brutally aware that it was actually Crosby... or Stills... or Nash... that so lovingly donated his man swimmers to the Lesbian musician.
Why does that always happen to me?!?

And, do you think the lesbians thought it was actually Willie that helped out their cause, or just me?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Viva La Mexico!!!

Back in May we went to Cancun... just the girls... for one last single girl outing before we say hasta la vista to Miss Sara Jacobs... soon to be Hickman. Here's what happened before and after we all lost our souls at Senor Frogs!

"Booze Cruise 2007"
We went to the Isla Mujeres where we saw... a whole lot of nothing... but on the way back the entire boat got drunk, and I mean drunk! Unfortunately for us they had just enough equalibrium to stay inside the boat, although it was still entertaining.

We did rent a golf cart from Jenn's boyfriend (who she regretfully did not hold onto for long). This was the view from the back of the golf cart. Not Bad.

Basically, it rained... and rained... and rained... we read A LOT, and when we all basically ran out of books to read, we hopped on a bus and went into town, then past town and 45 minutes later arrived at Walmart! There are few things shadier than a Mexican Walmart... and I can't think of what they are at the moment... but, look how happy we are to (a) be on a bus and (b) take a 45 minute ride with a drunken bus drive to end up at Walmart!

We went to dinner at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville. They didn't actually play any Jimmy Buffet song there (or Neil Diamond for that matter), but we were invited on stage to do the Macarena... just 5 little white girls doing the Macarena!

Jenn took her Mexican groove outside for a while and she rode a parrot?!? Yee haw!

J.J and Sara played with the Sombreros.

Cori and I hung out under the umbrella. (Notice how bright red my legs are. I managed to get ridiculously sun burned laying under an umbrella wearing SPF 50 sunblock IN THE RAIN... now how is that for talented!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Girls 7, Boys 3!

On Sunday I got a new neice... shiny and new.

Her name is Sadie. She belongs to my brother Adam and his wife Julie.

Her siblings are these fabulous wild and crazy kids (Haley, Jake and Izzy).

Sadie has no idea what she's in for. Her life will definitely be fun... survival of the fittest, to say the least. But, so was mine, and I made it!

I can hardly wait to meet her. Plus, my 6-year-old neice Haley just asked when I was coming to visit. I said "soon." She said "talk is cheap." I guess I better actually buy a ticket! When a 6-year-old gives you a talking to, it's time to actually go visit. And, who doesn't love NYC!?!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

"Tranny Taking A Bath"

Ok, so I can't stop laughing... and I am at work... alone... in my office, but my office is open and people walk by... and I am still laughing.

I think I have mentioned before how incredibly privy I am to EVERY kind of spam available. I basically delete everything emailed to me (please take this as a blanket apology for any seemingly inexplicable lack of response to any of your individual emails). Anyway, this morning I was deleting basically ALL my mail and I ran across this alluring one titled "Tranny taking a bath." And, CLEARLY that thought of this is really disheartening and laughable.

So, there is this cute little 20-year-old (Steven) who works for us as an intern, and has for all four (4) years I have been at this company. He spends most of his days trying to make me "cool" (which I have never really been, nor do I want to be, but still he tries - most recently explaining the difference between Emo and Screamo music WITH a demo that made me have flashbacks of 'Humanities 101.' He even made me a mixed CD with a lot of songs from a band named Brand New... aaahhhh, sweet huh??? .... But, I am pretty sure I am STILL not cool). So, Steven walked by, looking at me quizzically (as if I am AGAIN being uncool) and he asks me what's so funny.

Ali: There is this SPAM message that is titled "Tranny takes a bath." That is that like a transvestite right?
SR: Right. And?
Ali: And, who would open that? I mean who WANTS to see that? Is that like a train wreck situation, you just can't help it, you don't really want to see it, but then again you can't NOT look?
SR: I totally want to see that! Do you still have it?
Ali: Sorry, but NO. I deleted it about an hour ago.
SR: Oh, that sucks.
Ali: Eeeeewwwwww!

Then I felt the need to conduct an empirical study of this very type of situation. Another guy in my office walked by (38, single... well, unless you count his 22-year-old girlfriend, who looks like, and in all actuality might BE, a stripper).

Ali: Hey, you know when you get those emails that have riveting and descriptive subject titles such as 'Britney Spears bent over a goat"?*
JSM: What???
Ali: You know what I am talking about.
JSM: Huh?
Ali: I am curious, when you open those emails, is that ACTUALLY what the content of the email is? Or, are those the same emails, just more cleverly disguised, designed to get people to look at 'Replica Watches.'
JSM: I don't know, I don't open those!
Ali: Not at work? Or never?
JSM: What???
Ali: I won't tell on you!
JSM: I don't open those!
Ali: Fine, don't tell me.
JSM: Rolls his eyes and walks away…

*Note 1: I still don’t know the answer to this question. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

** Note 2: I contemplated going to Google Images and typing "Tranny taking a bath", but then I got too nervous... there probably IS a visual... and I fear if I saw it, I might never be the same.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Carbon Off-sets?!?

Please tell me this is a joke! I keep waiting for this lame idea to disappear, but it doesn't.

Carbon Off-sets?!? - Honestly, one of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard!

There is no possible way that works.

But, for giggles, let's say it did. For future generations to be globally secure from the 24 feet of melted glacier water that's going to surely sink us all (whatever, I think global warming is total bung too) we would need 2 things to happen:
1.) trillions of bazillions of trees planted to "off-set" all the carbon which is being wrongly hogged by those of us who just don't pay enough attention.
2.) We'd need to totally obliterate China... actually, probably all of Asia and Europe for that matter, probably even Australia... I guess Antarctica can stay and Africa and South America, since they don't O.D. on carbon, but the rest of the world... we just have to get rid of them, they really aren't taking this carbon issue seriously!