To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunday, January 25, 2009

House Projects

So, we've been doing house projects all day.

We've lived in our darling house for a year! Wow, that's long for me, since I have house A.D.D.

Anyway, we decided to hang up Dizzy's shelves because they've been leaning against the wall in her room for a year now.

We ALMOST finished, but... then we hit the medicine cabinet?!? That's right, it turns out our walls are only an inch thick! Good thing no one in this house is getting any! Believe me, we'd all know!

Don't worry, we still rewarded ourselves with brownies, because we ALMOST finished the task at hand. And, we also reorganized the walk-in-pantry. It turns out our Seinfeld cereal collection is only outshadowed by the amount of popcorn and pasta we have.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


So, I got a blackberry... but, only because my old school Razor died a terrible death on Saturday.

And, it's not that I am sssssoooo attached to my phone or anything, but I DO need one.

So, I upgraded.

But, here's the problem... remember how much trouble I had/have trying to figure out my bluetooth?!?

I know my blackberry has a camera, because the lady who showed me EVERYTHING it does in a 10-second demo, she mentioned it.

But, I don't know how to use it... or anything else.

I celebrate everytime I successfully do something.

But, I have taken 4 pictures of my lap!

No good.

I can't erase them... because I don't know how.

But, I REALLY miss the Puerto Rican sunset that I had on my old school razor!

Friday, January 16, 2009

I don't want to brag...

But, it turns out that shopping is NOT my only talent.

Don't worry Diz... you are still completely Amazing!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Wish Me Luck!

I just volunteered to clean an elderly lady's really dirty, really foul smelling, ridiculously tragic looking house.

But, I have the WORST gag reflex ever!

This might not go well!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I heard two (2) really disturbing things today!

First, this guy in New York City who just got divorced is claiming that he should get his donated kidney back from his now ex-wife... ummmm what? That's what we call a bitter divorce! Yikes!

Second, some parents JUST reported their son missing! Although, he's been missing since 1999! Slow much?!? Neglectful?!? He was 11 then, now he's 21... so what's the point of even reporting him as a missing child now?!? He is not a CHILD anymore.

Ok. I am done.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Aaaaahhhhh.... 2009 is going to be a doozie!

DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying that this blog is getting progressively hard to write… namely because I don’t exactly know who reads it (it seems that I have even recently acquired spam comments – don’t know how exactly that happens) and I really don’t want to offend anyone (it’s happened)… but, I am not sure how to adequately relate the unwanted fodder that seems to be the bane of my comedic life without being brutally honest at times. That being said, I am going to attempt to convey the humor of my most recent experience without being too flippant or caustic at anyone else’s expense.

I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions this year. I just didn’t. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks right?!? Oh wait… I did vow not to buy any clothes, shoes or accessories for 6-months! For those of you who think I can’t do it… I don’t want to hear it! There is money riding on this if I lose, so I think I can pull it off!

A friend of mine told me that whatever a person is doing at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve will predict the future of the entire year. Going into 2007 I was at a wedding in Costa Rica exactly at the stroke of midnight, there were fireworks and it was amazing! What could be better that?!? But, it seems like that year passed by in a blur without much of consequence to report, right? Going into 2008, I was freezing my tail off with some friend who convinced me to go camping ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE in Mexico. I had Bronchitis the entire time, I barely made it to midnight… but, the last year of my life was kind of fun! Going into 2009 I was in Las Vegas with a RAD group of friends, trolling the strip, getting groped by a lot of drunkards, (I got called pretty A LOT… but, I also got called a lot of other things… which I do NOT want to repeat). I believe at the exact stroke of midnight I was combing the throngs of people stationed along Las Vegas Boulevard, looking for my cute white wool mitten that I lost while dancing in the streets. And, AMAZINGLY enough, I found it!!! Plus, I haven’t had any rats in my room since 2008. So, that HAS to bode well for the New Year right?!?


It’s already been a little rough! Here’s what happened. An acquaintance of mine asked if she could set me up. (Which is never good – but, always flattering?!?, I guess). Bless her heart! She told me that this client of hers seemed cool and she wanted to know if I would add him on Facebook as one of my friends. She gave me his name and when he requested to be friends with me, I accepted. (Breaking all my self-imposed Facebook rules, I should have known!) Well, I totally got punk’d (shocking... I mean that NEVER happens to me… tsk tsk.) He had NO information about himself and no photos AND I WAS HIS ONLY FRIEND… so basically every time he opens up Facebook all he sees are the misadventures of MY life… which is awkward no matter who it is… but, especially awkward, since it is someone I have never met. He contacted me 3x in the next 24 hours, which was a wee bit intense.

Anyhoooooo… on one occasion, he sends me this LONG email. I am not going to regurgitate it all. Trust me it was very detailed and specific. But, here are a few highlights:

1.) “I took a look at all of your pictures. I would definitely say that you’re cute! You also appear fun and clean and happy.” - Ummmm…. CLEAN???? I feel like that is only a compliment if you’re 5 and you managed not to spill on yourself all day! Although, I presume he’s making an assumption about my morals… we’ll move on.
2.) “I think most would say that I’m handsome, but now that I going to be single I wonder if handsome is good enough and I am hoping to get more “hot” than “handsome” by the end of the summer.” - Hmmm.... I have no words for this...
3.) “I was an Eagle Scout, and earned my Duty to God….” These were followed by chronologically cataloged church callings performed throughout the past 15 years or so – What in the world is a “Duty to God”??? Is that like a merit badge?
4.) “I’m a complete gentleman in every way (opening door, flowers, paying for all dates, etc). – I am not going to lie, this WAS impressive!
5.) “I am usually quite humble although you wouldn’t know it by how I’m trying to sell myself to you. I would welcome any dating tips you have.” - Sounds like he's asking me out right?

Anyway, after reading his 2-page “resume” (his words, not mine), I decided that we probably didn’t have many similar life experiences AND did I mention the fact that he’s still married (I guess almost divorced, just getting a head start?!?) I think I left that out… Anyway, I wrote him back. I was totally charming and complimentary. I gave him many accolades and thanked him for his interest. I stated that given his talents, accomplishments and optimism he shouldn’t have any trouble dating again. But, I stated that it would probably be unfair for me to agree to go out with him given our extreme differences. (Basically this was one of those He’s-Mormon-and-single (almost) and-so-are-you type set-ups).

His basic response to that was “I hope you didn’t understand me to be asking you out.”

Yikes! I give up! I have ZERO expectations for 2009! Let’s just keep it at that.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Ringing in the New Year!

Everyone knows how much I love Vegas! I mean it runs a close second to my love of Lionel Richie. Anyway... I am not going to give too many details, well because I still haven't had much sleep since 2008. But, I'll give the fragmented highlights/lowlights.

Cafe Rio (2x)... shopping at the outlets in Primm... 16 people/2 rooms... dragging the strip at midnight... lots of drunken groping and inappropriate advances (my favorite by far was the guy who said to Robin "How about I take you to a corner and pay you by the hour" - I was proud of her, she didn't give the guy her number!)... really cold weather (unless you came from Utah, then it was a relief)... Pete jumping into the Bellagio Fountain for $76 (pre-paid)... getting let into a dance club for free by a guy I went to high school with - CrAzY how small the world is... 4 hours of sleep both nights... air mattresses... hot tubbing (ok, not really, I didn't go in, but we did lounge while Tim went in)... story time... Cheesecake Factory... Roadrunner Steakhouse... midnight bowling... football... candy... movies (that bored me to tears... except Juno)... RIDICULOUS Facebook photo tagging/commenting aftermath!

That about covers it. But, here are some photos, just a few... in case I missed anything.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Who wore it best???

I love the smutty magazines like Glamour or Us or People that take a bunch of socialites, celebs, etc. who are wearing the same exact outfit and disect who wears what designers best.

I would like to do my own version of that... with my "designer" (Urban Outfitters) headband.

Who wore it best?!?