To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Awkward Sabbath

So, I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. No big Deal. I mean I don't LOVE giving talks or anything, but I understand they need to be given and I am alright giving one every once in a while.

So, of course I get assigned a topic. And, of course it's the most ridiculous topic ever - Entertainment & Media. And, of course it's from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet -because I am so youthful?!? and they wouldn't want to give that the 12-year-old Deacon that spoke right before me?!? No, that would be WAY too practical.

As you can see from the information presented in the aforementioned link. The first few sentences are relatively benign in every way. But, as you can see from the majority of the information I have essentially been asked to give a talk on pornography. Me? What the...??? Does this seem odd to anyone else?!? Also, let's remember that it is the week before Christmas. Couldn't they save this topic for January??? Can't they assign this to someone with a little more familiarity with the topic.... say a Bishop or High Counselor. I know it's something that needs discussion. I get that it's wildly prevalent. But, here's the deal, I just REALLY REALLY do not want to be the girl that gave that ridiculously awkward pornography talk the week before Christmas. And, more than that... I just do not want to stand at the pulpit in front of hundreds of people and act like I have the foggiest faintest idea what I am talking about.

So, I ask one of my bestie's dad, who is also in my Bishopric, if he can perhaps give me a little guidance and direction. He starts laughing and asks if that is REALLY the topic I've been given. I am not laughing. Then he tells me to do what people do in any good talk... use some of my own life experiences. At this point he's really laughing at me.

So, there I am sitting in the not-so-cheap seats adjacent to Deacon that is sitting next to me who is the first speaker and this darling old man who is to be the last speaker. I ask the little muffin what he is speaking on. Of course, he is sharing some Christmas poem tantamount to The Christmas Shoes. And, I ask the old guy next to me what he was assigned to speak on. And, he says the birth of Jesus. And, as you can imagine, at this point I feel as if I have been totally punk'd. But, I know I haven't. I mean the guy sent me an email with my topic in which he discussed in detail what I was to speak on. So, BY NO MISTAKE AT ALL, the talks were intentionally assigned as follows: Christmas, porn, Christmas. WHAT KIND OF A LINE UP IS THAT!??!?!?!??!?!

So, I tentatively walk to the pulpit for my turn. And, I gave an 18 minute talk on the first 2 lines of my topic. That's right! I said the word pornography from the pulpit exactly ZERO times. And, instead I talked about the light of the gospel and how one of the easiest ways to receive and share it is through the internet and media. I talked about the fact that with Mitt running for President Mormonism in consistently one of the top 10 most searched topics. I talked about sharing that light so that those who are looking for goodness in the world won't have to try so hard to find it because perhaps it would become as prevalent as darkness. Basically.... I totally winged it. But, I was totally not willing to give the rest of that talk... because I am chicken... and TRUST ME, no one want to see a lanky single blonde girl all decked to the nines giving a pornography talk. It woud have been awkward for everyone... I am sure of it!

It must have been an ok presentation. Because directly afterwards this lady comes up with her husband and tells me I've done a great job. And, then with no segway at all says "I have a son who is an ER doctor and he's tall, would you like to date him?" Boo ya!

But, the awkward Sabbath is not yet over kids.... it continues....

There is a little "Christmas Program" and potluck after the block is over. I am a little bit delayed in getting to the "Program". But, as I walk in I hear a small child playing the piano. She is really good for such a small little thing! But, what is she playing?!? It sounds familiar enough. I lean over to Diz and Mandy and say "Um... is that a Coldplay song?!?" Sure enough it is! And, I have just been informed that I missed the little girl who sang ".... the good ship lollypop..." Because, every self-respecting "Christmas Program" has those elements. I mean who doesn't love a little Coldplay and a tap dance to bring in the Christmas spirit?!?

Luckily, I DID not miss the Primary nativity re-enactment. It was awesome! All the kids were dressed up... as the star, some angels, a lot of barnyard animals, and some shepherds... which included one wicked awesome rogue shepherd. A shepherd who refused to stay on the stage, but instead trolled the audience whipping his costume in the air like he was a key participant in a Burlesque show. And, of course, every respectable "Christmas Program" HAS to have one of those.

Awesome Sunday!

Friday, December 9, 2011

The World's Most AWESOME(ly bad) Christmas Party

So.... 3 years ago I took a job with a new company (after having worked at my previous one for 6 years. It was the hardest break-up of my life (NO JOKE)... but, I digress...) Anyway. I loved the old job. And, I love the new job. So, I am blessed.

However, at Reyes (old job) we had the Christmas Party to end all Christmas parties. It was rad. We had dinner catered and an entire Casino staffed with legitimate dealers and chips and moolah, open bar (which was fun for me in that EVERYONE got drunk, except for yours truly, and it was AWESOME to watch the train wreck. One year a lady fell asleep on my desk, which was in no way even close to the party tent!) But, the presents were to die for... oh... my... gosh. One year I got a Kitchen Aid, the next year I got a 47" HDTV Sony Bravia plasma television with a 10-piece surround-sound speaker system complete with a blueray DVD player and Ipod connection, the next year I won a Dyson vacuum, not to mention that every year I also won money, and gift cards, and lottery tickets, and all sorts of awesome stuff. I miss those parties!

Well, the parties at my new job.... let's just say, I have been thinking for quite sometime that a). I am getting punk'd and there has to be some camera somewhere (in addition to the standard nanny cam that is always in the office in order to monitor our shenanigans) and b). that I should REALLY get in contact with the scriptwriters of The Office, because this party would provide fodder that would translate perfectly to that kind of satirical comedy.

First we have a BBQ, where only food that is neutral (beige or brownish) is admitted to the table (tri-tip, pork ribs, chicken, pulled-pork, baked beans, corn bread, potato salad and BBQ sauce which is scooped out with a laddle). Apparently we are anti-color and health here at MZT (new job).

And, then we have birthday cake for dessert. Happy Birthday Jesus?!?!

And, then the real fun begins. Catherine (our lovely Receptionist/Office Manager) wraps all the presents and sticks them under the fake tree, to be unwrapped, one per person. These present are never purchased... oh no, that would be way too costly. They are received, one-by-one, from Staples, FREE tchotchkes collected throughout the year, given to all orders over $100.

Last year, I got liquid potpourri, that smelled like feet and was the color of freshly cleaned toilet water. What would one do with liquid potpourri?!? I mean, even if it miraculously smelled refreshing??? It is bright blue and liquid! I couldn't very well put it in a bowl and stick it on the coffee table. BAD idea. Horrible! I gave it away at as white elephant gift at another holiday party.

One thing I have come to realize in this present frenzy, is that there is a 99.9% chance that the present received will be some sort of bag (a cheaply made bag that may or may not involve a cooling device, or a plastic coating, or a straw mat and towel).

So, in order to avoid getting a bag (which is easily identifiable by it's mere squishiness and shape), this year I asked for a box - which turned out to be a brilliant move. Because this year I scored a multi-function radio lantern with a built-in flashlight. And, Jackie won a set of 4-cutting boards with a nifty cutting board holder.

And, at my office Christmas Party, you could basically say we won the Grand Prizes! Boo ya!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It dropped into the 40s here...

... So, I ventured out to Disneyland, wearing a fur lined parka, a scarf, a hat and gloves.

Don't judge me. It was NEAR freezing. And, I grew up in California.

I am in love...

... with this blog.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The truth is...

People like me better when I am hopped up on diet coke.

It's true.

And, I am a people pleaser, so.....

Friday, December 2, 2011

What time do NORMAL people eat lunch?

I am sitting in my office.

Dressed all FANCY SCHMANCY because my bosses asked us all to dress up today.

Nevermind that MOST offices have casual Friday. We're all decked out....

Which means, I am wearing heels. Tall ones. Because in my opinion, you cannot successfully "dress up" AND wear flats.

And, the reason we are dressed up... some RICH RICH RICH businessmen from China are visiting our office....

Which means I will be AT LEAST an entire foot taller than the tallest of our visitors... which is apparently no big deal, since Jackie told me I "won't be required to dance with them or anything."

BUT, my boss has requested that we all join him and the China men for lunch...

Which brings me to the main question of my post...

What time do normal people eat lunch???

Because I start thinking about what I want for lunch around 9:50 am EVERY weekday. And, I start talking about WHERE and WHAT we are eating for lunch at like 10:20ish. And, by 11:02 Jackie is dialing my extension and we are gabbing about how we are SO hungry... and then by like 11:05 this whole office is a ghost town. But, it's 11:20 and the China men don't look hungry at all... which is stressing me out... because I am thinking about gnawing on my own arm.

And, all of it really makes HATE China.