So, the other day I was having a conversation where I was asked if I thought someone was funny. And, I stopped to think about it and I realized that in general I evaluate everybody’s sense of humor in relation to mine. So, basically, if you think I am funny then you have a good sense of humor. And, if you find me hilarious, then you have a GREAT sense of humor! Narcissistic right?!? I know, but it’s the sad truth.
So anyway, lately I have been determined to figure out which of my friends are really funny and which ones of them are just leeching off of my ridiculously fabulous comedic prose all the time (ha ha ha).
Note 1: All of the following quotes are mostly accurate, well they are as accurate as I remember them… and sometimes I get a little mixed up, but the basic concepts of all are spot-on!
Note 2: If you didn’t make it on this list it’s probably just because I haven’t seen you or talked to you in a while… or else you’re just not that funny! Sorry!
Scenario: My roommate Marci is in Korea, well because if you’re really really ridiculously bendy they recruit you from far away lands to dance in their countries. So, she’s dancing her little heart out. And, sometimes she’s homesick, so every few days I try to give her updates. And, well it was apparently a slow news day at our house and I all I could come up with was this:
Me: Diz and I cleaned out the fridge!
Marci: That’s a gross job! I have been eating a lot of cereal and it makes me think about you guys.
Me: Well, we ran out of milk about 3 days ago and we’ve been too lazy to buy more. We really have no food right now. If it wasn’t for the candy we might die.
Marci: Candy is our food storage!
Helaman: Yes it is. When it’s the second coming, I am totally showing up at your house!
Scenario: My friend Helaman is a street sweeper! And, he was asking me about my day and what was keeping me so busy at work.
Me: I had a 2 HOUR meeting with an architect today.
Helaman: Our meetings are pretty long as well, 10 minutes at the Jack in the Box with a free breakfast at the end.
Me: Well, there have to be some really tricky aspects to street sweeping!
Helaman: Actually there are!! It’s more than just listening to talk radio and driving 8MPH! I also have to watch out for road kill!
Scenario: I wanted one of my best friends husband’s to be my friend on Facebook, so I requested him to be friends with me. So, apparently Mel and Chad had this conversation, which she told me about.
Chad: So, Ali requested to be my friend on Facebook today.
Mel: That’s cool, did you add her?
Chad: Well, not right away, I wanted her to sweat it for a while!
(Chad, I want you to know that was one of the roughest 5-minute spans of my life… I was sweating profusely!)
Scenario: The fabulous Jackie Bach is seriously such a riot! Everything she says has me doubled over with laughter! I had an entire list of funny things she’s said since I started working with her, but I can’t find it… which means it’s either on my desk or in my room… both of which are in a state that would beg for FEMA disaster relief, but anyway. Here are just a few of the things she’s said that make me laugh!
Me: What does so-and-so look like?
Jackie: He’s REALLY short.
Me: Really? I thought I heard he was tall.
Jackie: Ok, maybe he is. Then he’s really skinny. I don’t know! That’s the same thing right?!? He’s one or the other. Maybe I don’t really remember what he looks like!
Jackie: I can’t go to Pinkberry! I just can’t! Have you seen the chairs in there?!? They are made of acrylic. I feel like if you look at the chairs long enough they’ll break. So, there is no way I am going to sit in one.
Scenario: There are a lot of homeless people in the barrio I work in. LIKE A TON! And, they ALWAYS talk to me… and they are hardly ever dressed in ANYTHING! It’s so icky. Anyway, I am blonde (first off) and dressed in my business professional attire (secondly) and crossing the street to La Chiquita Market (a gross market that is run by a Vietnamese guy named Chu – we are on a first name basis Chu and I. Sometimes I get mad at him because he’s supposed to be opened at 10 AM and he often doesn’t open until like 1 PM which is not conducive to meeting the needs of my diet coke addition, but anyhoo…) one of the homeless people looks up at me and says “Are you lost?!?” (To his credit, I do stick out like a sore thumb!) Anyway, we are debriefing my experience and Jackie says:
“Have you ever noticed how the spectrum for wealth is like a circle? I mean it starts to look the same at some point. The homeless people dress a lot like the really really really wealthy ones, except the rich people spend lots of money to not care what they look like, which is just silly, because they look all roughed up and homeless!”
Scenario: Remember when I really wanted to rent Sumo Wrestling costumes?!? Well, it turns out, I often get fixated on one thing and I just keep talking about it. So, Helaman was telling me about his tax refund…
Helaman: I got $103 for my state refund.
Me: Well, don’t blow it all in one place!
Helaman: Unfortunately it’s not enough to get your Sumo outfits!
Me: I know, huh? But, do you think if I had a 4-person party and got each person to pay $100 we could get some?
Helaman: Are you going to have celebrities at your party?
Me: What? No. Cuz’ I don’t know any celebrities.
Helaman: Well, $100 might be a little pricey if you don’t have celebrities.
Scenario: We went to Pismo Beach last weekend, a whole big group of us. And, because I am motherly and such I am trying to make sure everyone has everything they need.
Me: B, do you have a tent or do you need me to help you find one?
Brian: No and no. I don’t need a tent because I am a man and I am going to sleep under the stars on a bear skin rug!
5 minutes later
Brian: Hey, do you have a sleeping bag I can borrow?
Scenario: It turns out Helaman is really funny, because a lot of my funny stories are about him! And, I talk to him everyday, so that helps, I guess. So, he really wanted me to post photos of the Pismo trip, but I was super busy and so it took me like A DAY. Anyway, he was giving me grief.
Helaman: Finally you posted pictures, it took you long enough.
Me: Bite me!
Helaman: I wonder what you would taste like? Probably BBQ Chicken salad!
About a day later
Helaman: Hey, are you mad at me?!?
Scenario: We went bike riding on the boardwalk in Huntington Beach on Sunday on our beach cruisers. And, Steve/Scott and Wendy and I all thought it was a bright idea to hold hands and form a line and ride our bikes like we were cool or carnival people or something, I don’t know what we were doing! But, Steve/Scott ran into Wendy and Wendy ran into me and all three of us totally ate it! It was sad because here we are a bunch of grown-ups on a totally flat surface riding little beach cruisers at about 2.5 mph and we're a little less than skillful! So, the following day I get this text from Diz:
“Remember when we biffed it on our bikes?”
Something about the word “biffed” and the fact that we did, in fact, “biff” it made me laugh uncontrollably. The "remember when...." lines ALWAYS make me laugh.
Scenario: We were at a dinner party a L.A. few weeks back and some of our friends were getting to know each other, so they were just talking.
Stacey: Hi, I am Stacey. What’s your name?
Peter: Peter. (He’s reading a book and NEVER looks up).
Stacey: What is your last name?
Peter: Eskelson. And, it could be yours if you play your cards right. (He is still reading a book and NEVER looks up!)
Scenario: Just a little conversation between two guys I know…
Helaman: Your biceps are HUGE!
Aaron: I know, crazy huh?
Scenario: The Office - Season 5. Ok, so CLEARLY these people are not truly my friends, in fact, they don't even exist outside of a little show called The Office. But, they FEEL like real friends, which is the important part! That, and the fact that we WOULD be friends, if they did in deed exist (and lived closer to me than Scranton). The "Dream Team" episode made me laugh so hard I almost cried... and I watched it WAY too many times... it's about 10 hours of my life I won't be getting back!
Charles: Hey Kelly?
Kelly: Yes, Charles, You WANTED me.
Charles: Oh no, I meant that Kelly.
Jim: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapour has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks that if she say 'you WANTED me' enough, he will, in fact, WANT her. It's not even the worst plan she's ever had!
Note 3: I'd like to give honorable mentions to the Bendheims (Robin and Redge), who ALWAYS make me laugh, but I can't seem to come up with anything funny to quote right now. But, Redge, your thesaurus bit at the beach was super super funny!