To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, April 16, 2010

There is such a thing as unmarketable...

So, as we all know, I generate and submit technical proposals. These proposals have to meet a certain set of criterion in order to be deemed compliant. But, along with the technical requirements that I submit, I have to be able to market the projects, approaches and personnel that I am trying to sell to my clients. It's my job to convince each client that our experience and expertise will provide them with the best overall value in the end.

Sometimes the hiring practices of my company really make me work hard for the money I make.

For example, when I get a resume for a guy that used to be a plumber and somehow I have to make him into a mechanical engineer... that's a toughie... still haven't been able to pull that off.

Or, when I have to market family. Nepotism might be easy to swallow, as it's common and understood among employees in a privately held company. But, how am I a supposed to market I-know-he's-totally-unqualified-but-he's-married-to-the-owner's-daughter? Another toughie.

But, my favorite is a new one. Sometimes we hire people that have pasts. And, I am cool with that. Because, trust me, I am reminded on a daily basis that I work in construction. But, it is awful hard to create a resume for some of these past-lifers when they prove themselves and move up in the company. One of my current resumes looks like this:

Name: Jumping Jack Flash

Education: Not much, but everything within his vocabulary can be found tattooed somewhere on his body, which can be photographed or brought in for review, upon reference.

Skills: (1) The ability to find the perfect space on the human body to fit the most awful tattoos you've ever seen. (2) The ability to avert eyes and refuse making eye contact. (3) Can and will eat anything. (4) Will fight anyone and anything. He's been known to fight his own shadow and both win and lose. (5) Ridiculously good at beer pong.


Jan. 2010 - present: Our company. Yard Manager. Deploys and retrieves heavy machinery to various project sites within the Western U.S.

1998 - 2009 - California State Penitentiary. Inmate. We don't really want to talk about it.

Yikes... it's a good thing it's Friday. I can start over and try again with the marketing on Monday.

Please note, the true names and dates for this particular employee have been changed... because... well, I don't want to get my butt kicked by an ex-con, so that's why.


Amanda said...

If anyone can make them sound good, it's you! You're fancy that way!

Yossarian said...

Ali! This blog is a new favorite for me! I just stumbled upon this site (while watching Ghostrider - a terrible Nicolas Cage movie, this was the last line I heard "your soul is stained by the blood of the innocents, feel their pain" - in my hotel room in Ohio). Seriously, between the movie and your blog posts, I might not be sleeping at all tonight. Brilliant.