So, I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. No big Deal. I mean I don't LOVE giving talks or anything, but I understand they need to be given and I am alright giving one every once in a while.
So, of course I get assigned a topic. And, of course it's the most ridiculous topic ever - Entertainment & Media. And, of course it's from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet -because I am so youthful?!? and they wouldn't want to give that the 12-year-old Deacon that spoke right before me?!? No, that would be WAY too practical.
As you can see from the information presented in the aforementioned link. The first few sentences are relatively benign in every way. But, as you can see from the majority of the information I have essentially been asked to give a talk on pornography. Me? What the...??? Does this seem odd to anyone else?!? Also, let's remember that it is the week before Christmas. Couldn't they save this topic for January??? Can't they assign this to someone with a little more familiarity with the topic.... say a Bishop or High Counselor. I know it's something that needs discussion. I get that it's wildly prevalent. But, here's the deal, I just REALLY REALLY do not want to be the girl that gave that ridiculously awkward pornography talk the week before Christmas. And, more than that... I just do not want to stand at the pulpit in front of hundreds of people and act like I have the foggiest faintest idea what I am talking about.
So, I ask one of my bestie's dad, who is also in my Bishopric, if he can perhaps give me a little guidance and direction. He starts laughing and asks if that is REALLY the topic I've been given. I am not laughing. Then he tells me to do what people do in any good talk... use some of my own life experiences. At this point he's really laughing at me.
So, there I am sitting in the not-so-cheap seats adjacent to Deacon that is sitting next to me who is the first speaker and this darling old man who is to be the last speaker. I ask the little muffin what he is speaking on. Of course, he is sharing some Christmas poem tantamount to The Christmas Shoes. And, I ask the old guy next to me what he was assigned to speak on. And, he says the birth of Jesus. And, as you can imagine, at this point I feel as if I have been totally punk'd. But, I know I haven't. I mean the guy sent me an email with my topic in which he discussed in detail what I was to speak on. So, BY NO MISTAKE AT ALL, the talks were intentionally assigned as follows: Christmas, porn, Christmas. WHAT KIND OF A LINE UP IS THAT!??!?!?!??!?!
So, I tentatively walk to the pulpit for my turn. And, I gave an 18 minute talk on the first 2 lines of my topic. That's right! I said the word pornography from the pulpit exactly ZERO times. And, instead I talked about the light of the gospel and how one of the easiest ways to receive and share it is through the internet and media. I talked about the fact that with Mitt running for President Mormonism in consistently one of the top 10 most searched topics. I talked about sharing that light so that those who are looking for goodness in the world won't have to try so hard to find it because perhaps it would become as prevalent as darkness. Basically.... I totally winged it. But, I was totally not willing to give the rest of that talk... because I am chicken... and TRUST ME, no one want to see a lanky single blonde girl all decked to the nines giving a pornography talk. It woud have been awkward for everyone... I am sure of it!
It must have been an ok presentation. Because directly afterwards this lady comes up with her husband and tells me I've done a great job. And, then with no segway at all says "I have a son who is an ER doctor and he's tall, would you like to date him?" Boo ya!
But, the awkward Sabbath is not yet over kids.... it continues....
There is a little "Christmas Program" and potluck after the block is over. I am a little bit delayed in getting to the "Program". But, as I walk in I hear a small child playing the piano. She is really good for such a small little thing! But, what is she playing?!? It sounds familiar enough. I lean over to Diz and Mandy and say "Um... is that a Coldplay song?!?" Sure enough it is! And, I have just been informed that I missed the little girl who sang ".... the good ship lollypop..." Because, every self-respecting "Christmas Program" has those elements. I mean who doesn't love a little Coldplay and a tap dance to bring in the Christmas spirit?!?
Luckily, I DID not miss the Primary nativity re-enactment. It was awesome! All the kids were dressed up... as the star, some angels, a lot of barnyard animals, and some shepherds... which included one wicked awesome rogue shepherd. A shepherd who refused to stay on the stage, but instead trolled the audience whipping his costume in the air like he was a key participant in a Burlesque show. And, of course, every respectable "Christmas Program" HAS to have one of those.