DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying that this blog is getting progressively hard to write… namely because I don’t exactly know who reads it (it seems that I have even recently acquired spam comments – don’t know how exactly that happens) and I really don’t want to offend anyone (it’s happened)… but, I am not sure how to adequately relate the unwanted fodder that seems to be the bane of my comedic life without being brutally honest at times. That being said, I am going to attempt to convey the humor of my most recent experience without being too flippant or caustic at anyone else’s expense.
I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions this year. I just didn’t. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks right?!? Oh wait… I did vow not to buy any clothes, shoes or accessories for 6-months! For those of you who think I can’t do it… I don’t want to hear it! There is money riding on this if I lose, so I think I can pull it off!
A friend of mine told me that whatever a person is doing at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve will predict the future of the entire year. Going into 2007 I was at a wedding in Costa Rica exactly at the stroke of midnight, there were fireworks and it was amazing! What could be better that?!? But, it seems like that year passed by in a blur without much of consequence to report, right? Going into 2008, I was freezing my tail off with some friend who convinced me to go camping ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE in Mexico. I had Bronchitis the entire time, I barely made it to midnight… but, the last year of my life was kind of fun! Going into 2009 I was in Las Vegas with a RAD group of friends, trolling the strip, getting groped by a lot of drunkards, (I got called pretty A LOT… but, I also got called a lot of other things… which I do NOT want to repeat). I believe at the exact stroke of midnight I was combing the throngs of people stationed along Las Vegas Boulevard, looking for my cute white wool mitten that I lost while dancing in the streets. And, AMAZINGLY enough, I found it!!! Plus, I haven’t had any rats in my room since 2008. So, that HAS to bode well for the New Year right?!?
It’s already been a little rough! Here’s what happened. An acquaintance of mine asked if she could set me up. (Which is never good – but, always flattering?!?, I guess). Bless her heart! She told me that this client of hers seemed cool and she wanted to know if I would add him on Facebook as one of my friends. She gave me his name and when he requested to be friends with me, I accepted. (Breaking all my self-imposed Facebook rules, I should have known!) Well, I totally got punk’d (shocking... I mean that NEVER happens to me… tsk tsk.) He had NO information about himself and no photos AND I WAS HIS ONLY FRIEND… so basically every time he opens up Facebook all he sees are the misadventures of MY life… which is awkward no matter who it is… but, especially awkward, since it is someone I have never met. He contacted me 3x in the next 24 hours, which was a wee bit intense.
Anyhoooooo… on one occasion, he sends me this LONG email. I am not going to regurgitate it all. Trust me it was very detailed and specific. But, here are a few highlights:
1.) “I took a look at all of your pictures. I would definitely say that you’re cute! You also appear fun and clean and happy.” - Ummmm…. CLEAN???? I feel like that is only a compliment if you’re 5 and you managed not to spill on yourself all day! Although, I presume he’s making an assumption about my morals… we’ll move on.
2.) “I think most would say that I’m handsome, but now that I going to be single I wonder if handsome is good enough and I am hoping to get more “hot” than “handsome” by the end of the summer.” - Hmmm.... I have no words for this...
3.) “I was an Eagle Scout, and earned my Duty to God….” These were followed by chronologically cataloged church callings performed throughout the past 15 years or so – What in the world is a “Duty to God”??? Is that like a merit badge?
4.) “I’m a complete gentleman in every way (opening door, flowers, paying for all dates, etc). – I am not going to lie, this WAS impressive!
5.) “I am usually quite humble although you wouldn’t know it by how I’m trying to sell myself to you. I would welcome any dating tips you have.” - Sounds like he's asking me out right?
Anyway, after reading his 2-page “resume” (his words, not mine), I decided that we probably didn’t have many similar life experiences AND did I mention the fact that he’s still married (I guess almost divorced, just getting a head start?!?) I think I left that out… Anyway, I wrote him back. I was totally charming and complimentary. I gave him many accolades and thanked him for his interest. I stated that given his talents, accomplishments and optimism he shouldn’t have any trouble dating again. But, I stated that it would probably be unfair for me to agree to go out with him given our extreme differences. (Basically this was one of those He’s-Mormon-and-single (almost) and-so-are-you type set-ups).
His basic response to that was “I hope you didn’t understand me to be asking you out.”
Yikes! I give up! I have ZERO expectations for 2009! Let’s just keep it at that.