To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Keep it to yourself!

For the love of Pete (whoever Pete is), there are some things I just do not want to hear.

I am one of the happiest people alive.

I know this.

There is a good reason why this is the case. I don't listen to things that I don't want to hear. Seriously!

So far this week I have heard three things that I REALLY did not want to hear! And, as much as I tried to tune them out THEY WOULD NOT GO AWAY!

First, I got a pedicure on Monday. It was my treat for running FOREVER IN THE RAIN (don't worry, I am over it - not). Anyway, I have naturally UGLY feet. About a decade ago I was told by Quentin Spitzer "your toes are SSSSSSOOOOO long, I am pretty sure you could palm a basketball and play Olympic Sports with them." (Seems weird that I still remember this... I am over it, I swear. But, then again maybe not). But, seriously, I'll admit they are the ugliest puppies you'll ever see. There are SO many calluses on each of my LONG toes... and while the running has been good for my legs, it has been bad for my feet. So, anyway... back to the matter at hand... I went to get a pedicure... and the Asian lady who was kind enough to paint my toenails went ON and ON about how ugly my feet were and what did I do go running in the rain??? As a matter of fact lady YES! I did! I tried to get some sympathy by telling her about my marathon. Didn't work. She waxed on and on and on and I am telling you, I barely understood anything else the lady said, but she kept going off about how these were the ugliest feet and I was never going to get any love and I might want to think about a manicure and then MAYBE I could get a boyfriend. So, I finally said "shut up lady, I am paying you!"

Ok, I didn't, but I should have.

Second, I am SO over hearing about how we are all going broke! Yesterday, I saw multiple news sources recite how retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion dollars! Yikes. So, here's the deal, my dad is the smartest financial guy I know. I blindly follow his advice (and that of my financial planner, whose advice I follow mainly because I am paying him!) Anyway, for years now I have been putting the maximum amount possible into my 401K plan, which will yield me the highest tax benefit. Yesterday my statement informed me that I had lost 24.83% this quarter. Yikes. I am not trying to sound like McCain/Palin here, but without knowing an extremely large amount about EXACTLY how the economy ebbs and flows, I know this is not pretty! But, I also read that our economy (although in dire times) is only down 33% from it's all time high (trust me, I get that this sucks) and in 2002, it had fallen 38% and then bounced back within 5 years to an all time high. So, I am hopeful. But, if my hope is dashed, I am totally moving in with my parents! (Because, it would be your fault if I am broke dad!)

Maybe, I should just stop reading the news.

Thirdly, my dear sweet friend Kara sent me an email which stated the following (and I quote exactly) "You should freeze your eggs." Ok. I know that this advice only comes from a sweet and concerned place. And, one of frustration as well. But, this is the third time in my life I have been given this advice. The first time I was 26 and my boss' friend asked if I was married, if I had kids and if I had thought about freezing my eggs. (Mind you this was the first and last time I ever saw this man - thankfully). Second, was my sister Jennica. ENOUGH! This kind of pressure is definitely NOT helping me. If I could get knocked up legitimately, I would! But, since I can't I am just going to eat enough to make me look pregnant. Oh wait... that's not a good idea, right?

So, here's the conclusion. I don't have enough money to freeze my eggs. I don't know how much it cost, but I can't imagine it's a cheap process and I just lost 24.83% on my 401K - remember? Plus, my eggs are not going to be much good - have you seen my feet not the best gene pool (feet wise anyway)?!? I have come up with the perfect solution. I will get 10 foster kids. Foster kids come with a $1000 a month payout from the government, yielding me $120K per year (which will make up for the loss in my retirement) and CLEARLY being that they are severely neglected and/or abused, they are sure to have low standards for a parent and really unattractive feet, which will make me feel better about myself. Done and Done! I am SO smart!


Kari said...

Did you get those long toes from your mama? I think it's just a Brinkerhoff trait to have funny toes...although Stacy's and Katy's come from Lori. So it's the married-into-Brinkerhoff people that are screwing up the foot genes. It's ok...I have box feet from my mom. I should post a picture of my stubs on my blog just for you. And the rest of humanity since I get crap for it all the time.

Johnston Family said...

Hey Ali! This is cousin Lo - I'm so glad I found your blog through Sandra and I had a way fun time reading your post. Those pedicure ladies can be quite... interesting. Glad we can stay in touch through the blog thing now. Take care.

mama mia said...

Ali, I have good news! Remember how you're ALWAYS cold, no matter what the temperature is? I think your eggs may already be frozen and you didn't have to spend a cent! And Kari, FYI . . . Ali's long toes don't come from my gene pool. In fact, I think I may be related to you and your mom!

Jordan said...

I heard that you can rub mineral oil on your eggs and they'll last for a whole year! Oh wait, you're not talking about those eggs, are you? In that case, I'll be happy to donate my eggs to you for a small fee. I realize that some women do this for free, but you'd be paying for the Brinkerhoff gene, of course.

PS - I have fairly normal feet, so the B gene is still desirable and worth a small fee.

Jordan said...
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