To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, November 7, 2008

The best laid plans... "Oh well, everybody has a choice!"

So, as we are all brutally aware, I am not a Type-A personality. I have never been that much of a life planner. But, every few years I look back on my life and think, ‘I should’ve had a plan’.

So, throughout the week I have come up with a few of them… plans, that is. And, most of them are brilliant if you ask me.

But, before you read these, I would like to insert a disclaimer: If you are a member of PETA or the ACLU or are offended by statements and opinions that are not politically correct, you might not want to read this post. If not, carry on…

Plan #1:
Come election time, EVERYONE has a plan, right? Even this lady … what the…???

Therefore, my first brilliant plan stemmed from the most recent election, in which a lot of RIDICULOUS propositions passed (and so did Prop 8 defining marriage as ONLY between a man and a woman – which I fully supported). One of the absurd propositions that passed was Proposition 2 – Standards for Confining Farm Animals which in a nutshell creates a new state statute that prohibits the confinement of farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs! It does so to the tune of some millions or billions of dollars (bonded, of course, because we’re broke here in California). RIDICULOUS… more leg room, what are we… Jet Blue?!? My boss came in on Wednesday asked if we had to pay people to take the chickens out for a walk now. And, if we’d have to ask the cows if they’d be willing to let us milk them, after we’ve appropriately massaged their utters, of course.

Anywhoo…the news was quoting (for days) one of the first lesbian partners to sue the state after the passing of Proposition 8. She said California was the only state where chickens had more rights than gays. Oh man, this made me laugh. Sort of distorted, but hilarious. Aaron suggested that we just put all the lesbians in a cage and call it good. All these new laws/statutes, crazy political views, half-witted comments and a flippant conversation with my best friend created this beauty of a plan: We SHOULD put all the lesbians in a cage, and charge a fee for all patrons wishing to view this lesbian farm. Clearly, since guys are proportedly wildly into this sort of thing, we would be able to earn FAR more than we lost economically (and omit the need for a bond). The excess revenue would then be split among me and my best friend(s), which we would more than likely turn around and spend at the mall, single-handedly bolstering the entire U.S. economy! Done and done! I will let you all know when this plan gets off the ground.

Plan #2
Sometimes (OK, most of the time), I wish someone else would just tell me what to do with my life, because I am lazy and not good at planning!

But, no one will. So, I have decided to turn my future over to the Peking Noodle Company! My second plan is this: I am going to eat at an Asian restaurant for every meal until I get a fortune that I like!

Has anyone noticed that fortunes in general are hard to come by? I swear my most recent "fortunes" have been extremely generic and cheesy “People enjoy the smile you show to the world” (vomit) or “the world is a better place because you’re in it” (crap) or "someone needs to feel the love you have to share.” (whatever!) Dear Peking Noodle Company, these are not fortunes, they’re compliments, warm-fuzzies, statements of reaffirmation! When I get a fortune cookie, I expect a fortune! I am entitled to a fortune! Maybe you could work on that! I did get this one the other day “You will take a chance in the near future and win!” That’s pretty good, I guess. But, I still have to DO something! I am too lazy for that! So here’s what I am looking for “Don’t worry, you can totally sit on your couch in your PJs, someday your husband will just show up. It’ll happen.” Until then, any suggestions for restauarants. Right now I am alternating between P.F. Changs and Pei Wei (making that Corporation AND the Peking Noodle Company, much to my chagrin, very profitable).

*** My best friend would like me to go on the record as stating that she is vehemently opposed to any plan that would make me weigh 300 pounds by the end of the year! Whatever! What does she know?!? ***

Plan #3
I went to see Madonna yesterday, Britney made a brief cameo and so did Justin (4 minutes, I presume). Anyway, I could not take my eyes off Madonna (and this REALLY wasted girl in front of me that was trying unsuccefully to put on her sweater on for about 15 minutes, but couldn’t locate the arm holes. I couldn’t stop laughing, and Jo wouldn’t let me help her out because it would take away our entertainment).

The whole time I was at this concert I kept thinking about how incredibly rad Madonna’s body is (and how I so hoped that the drunk lady had a ride home because CLEARLY she shouldn’t be driving if she can’t even put on her sweater)! Anywhoo… back to Madonna. She has like ZERO body fat. Her arms are amazing! Her abs are so cut! And, her thighs do not touch AT ALL! I covet her body. I mean she’s 51 (I think ) and she has three kids (one of which she bought, so that doesn’t really count) and she was singing AND double-dutch jump roping AT THE SAME TIME. I can do neither (not separately, nor together). Which brings me to my third plan. I am never going to eat M & Ms again!

This plan will work only until I actually SEE a M & M, of course! Then I have to say, I will immediately eat one or 500 and revert back to Plan 2… because clearly I am going to have to decide between the two, it does not seem feasible to do both! We all know Plan #2 is going to win out! Hello, even if my mouth was wired shut… a few M & Ms would still manage to get in there somehow!

In the spirit of election season (and because I am amazingly computer saavy)… I’d like to conduct a poll. Vote on the plan you like best:


Pierce and Stacy said...

Notice how nobody (yet) has voted for "no m&m's" that'd be torturous. Why would anyone ban themselves from the deliciousness that is M & M.

Amanda said...

This blog post will most likely be read at my family's Sunday dinner. I cannot keep you to myself - they will crack up.

Kristin said...

Happy almost birthday tomorrow. Check my blog because you were tagged! :) See you tomorrow night!

Pierce and Stacy said...

Umm nice new blog. I love it.

And yes, I am coming home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas. Are you going to be there?!

P.s. What about my blog makes it hard to read, the font color or size. I tried to fix it for you. sorry.

Anonymous said...

I know I wrote to you yesterday, but I just couldn't resist! You are my one of my favorite aunts after all.
Anyway, just wanted to say hello and thanks for going on the trip with us!

(P.S You are the best aunt in the world!)
( P.S.S Just so you know, this is Chloe)

Ali B. said...

Chloe?!? "One of your favorite aunts?!?" I better be your VERY VERY VERY favorite aunt! Does that sound like a threat... good!