To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Notes on a Scandal (my version)

(1) The Scandal: You're Not Alone.

I had to go to a conference in San Diego all day, but that meant I got home a little earlier than usual... yea for me! Anyway, when I got home, Oprah was on. Oprah was talking to Elizabeth Smart (6 years after her abduction). Anyway, they were explaining that there is now a pamphlet about how to deal with a situation like hers. The name of the pamphlet is "You're Not Alone".,5143,700227525,00.html

The Note:

Dear Elizabeth,

You were taken from Utah (aka: Happy Valley, Zion) by a man who pretended he was Jesus and his wife (who was Mary??? I presume...) who kept you for 9-months, had his way with you and did whatever he wanted to with your teenage self. CLEARLY, that is an anomaly of sorts. So, basically what I am trying to say is that all those people who are a trying to tell you that "You're Not Alone" ARE LYING!!! So sorry to break it to you. But, you are looking adorable and you are incredibly well-adjusted. So, you have that! It's not an all together bad day, even though I had to share with you the sobering truth. Best of luck with your harp.

(2) The Scandal: "Octomom"

So, I am sure (unless you are living under a box) you are all aware of the woman in California who gave birth to octuplets.

The Note:

Dear Nadya Shulahoola-whatever your last name is,

I am not sure what country you were born in, or why you are VERY VERY unintelligent. But, I went to college and so I would like to take this opportunity to help you out a bit... because I am very very very kind, most of the time. I want kids as much as the next girl who is my age and doesn't have any to call her own. But, here's the deal, apparently, you have SIX other kids, 7, 5, 3 and twin 2-year-olds all living in a 3 bedroom house WITH YOUR PARENTS. Maybe this is why your impotent husband left you, because as it happens apparently you were married to some Guitierrez foolio for 10 years (although word on the street is that he checked out of the marriage about 4 years in, CLEARLY he was NORMAL and you were just a very very very bad decision on his part). Anywhoo... the kids are ALL not his... they were all conceived by in vitro... which is NOT cheap by the way. So now you have 14 kids and no job and no husband. Why did you quit your job at the mental hospital??? Maybe they would have given you a discount? Since CLEARLY you are NUTS. Plus, you don't have a job and so I am currently indirectly paying for your entire family from my weekly paycheck, since you are on disability, taking about $205,000 from the Government. Nadya, what kind of a person that has a "disability" thinks it's a good idea to put herself through the pregnancy/birthing process of EIGHT children AT ONE TIME?!? Even a person who is as fit as a horse, wouldn't sign up for that! NO ONE would! I think you should try to get your old job back. I will gladly write you a referral letter. You just let me know.,0,6314319.story

(3) The Scandal: Obama Drama

The Note:

Dear Obama,

You have only been the first black president for a little over 2 weeks now. Dave Chappelle predicted that the stocks of Fubu and KFC would sky rocket when you got elected... but, as it turns out, the stocks as a whole are still sorely disappointing and no one can retire because, well... they'd all lose huge sums of money if they did... but, the deal is with 625,000 jobs lost recently (this week alone?!? Is that true or possible... yikes!) we REALLY need those elderly people to get out of the job market and on to West Palm Beach. But, I won't hold any of this against you... yet. Truthfully, I really liked the salary cap you mandated for all corporate executives who work for companies receiving government bailout money. Although, it's a tricky slippery slope... so, we'll see how that all pans out for ya! And, I really enjoy listening to you speak. You are eloquent and I like that in a President. But, for the love of everything good and holy, could you PLEASE check with the IRS before you even think about nominating anyone to be any part of your cabinet?!? Seriously, it's getting embarrassing.


wendy said...

Ali, I had a lot of cathing up to do on your blog and it is soooo funny! Your letter to The Nut was great! Could not agree with you more! And I think her doctor should have his medical license revolked! Or he should foot the bill. Sounds like you're lovin' life. Always good to see you in Texas!

Amanda said...

So, it's a Friday night and the most exciting thing I have done is my taxes. Need I say more? Reading your blog was the highlight of the evening! Thanks for the laughs!