Because I think Lance Armstrong is, perhaps, the biggest cad that ever roamed planet earth, I want this to be true.
Please tell me this really happened!
Ok, I know it's The Onion, so I am sure it's just fun. I am sure if there was even a modicum of truth to this story, it would be all over the news, so I have to conclude that it IS just a fabrication to provide satire and entertainment to the masses.
But, man alive, I wish it was true. It totally sounds like something he WOULD say and do. Because he's a fool. I seriously can't stand that dude.