To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Near to you

No one wants me to get married more than Jackie does. And, I mean no one, myself included.

Every once in a while Jackie will encourage me to go on the internet to find love. She tells me of all the ways I'd be successful. "You're funny." "You're witty." "You are well-written". I always tell her that it's just not my thing. (I don't tell her until she's done complimenting me, of course).

I know people who met on the internet and have married and produced fine looking children. It's entirely possible. But, I am on the computer ALL DAY LONG. The last thing I want to do is go home and get my game on by getting on the computer AGAIN.

I am in general not freaked out or paranoid of much. My rationale for even having cares or concerns about a situation rests solely on my immediate or close to immediate knowledge of people or situations in which my fear would be realized. For example, I have never met anyone who even knows anyone who has a.) been struck by lightning, b.) been bitten by a shark, or c.) been harmed in a natural disater. Sure it happens, but until it happens to someone I know or at least someone I know knows, I am not too worried.

Using that rationale, as you can imagine, in general, I am FREAKED out by marriage (which I am sure is no shock to anyone). I am also SUPER freaked out by dating on the internet.

When I was in college my roommate Natalie met this nice dude on LDS dot something-or-other. (Please note, I went to college at BYU in Provo, Utah). This dude lived about 30 minutes away. He came down a few times a week to take my roommate out. He was pleasant and handsome. He hung out with us roommates from time to time. All seemed to be going smoothly. They dated for 4 or 5 months. And, then one day he just vanished. He wouldn't call my roommate back. So, she called him at his parents house, because he had often called from there. She asked for him by name. His mom asked who she was and why she was calling. After which she informed my roommate that her son had been happily married and was that father of young children.... which I am sure she would have liked to know BEFORE she started dating him. And, that is where my paranoia was born.

Anyway, I am always coming up with additional reasons why I can't internet date. Apparently, the ones I have been given only buy me a few short days of reprieve. "There is no way all these people like long walks on the beach. I go there all the time, no one is walking anywhere. Everyone HAS to be lying," I say. "I am going to give myself carpal tunnel if I internet date. You know how much I talk," I say. None of this helps for long.

So, today I was listening to the news and they were reporting how 30% of all men who internet date are already relationships. I rush in and tell this to Jackie. "30% of all men you meet in the flesh are in relationships. So?" (Not assuaging my fears at all with that rebuttal, but I digress).

So while we are at lunch, Jackie is planning my hypothetically wedding. Whenever we talk about it, the only opinion I have on the subject is that I am going to have a wicked awesome and tasty delicious cake, which is most likely going to be funfetti. So, while we are at lunch today, I am talking about cake and Jackie is mentally dressing me in wedding gowns. And, she says "when you get married to Mr. Close Proximity...." I just busted up laughing. She thinks I am ridiculous. Which is true. But, I maintain that she is equally ridiculous, which is why we get along so well.

Well, it just so happens that all of my friends who play Words with Friends/Word Fued with me on the phone are RIDICULOUSLY slow at playing (yep, that means you Dusty, Mandy, Spencer, Wes and Jeanette (though J IS the fastest). So, I had to take matters into my own hands in order to provide myself with hours of entertainment (and ward off any possibility that I might get Alzheimers in the near future). Today I went to the 'play with a random opponent' tab on Words With Friends and poof, what do you know I am now playing a game with the fastest respondent yet, Dan Sparks.

So, in great anticipation, I tell Jackie that I am coming awful close to internet dating. I am now playing a scrabble-esque game with a guy (I assume) who could live in Minnesota for all I know. I pled my case.

Ali: Jackie, I am playing Words With Friends with Dan Sparks. This is as close as I am going to get to internet dating.
Jackie: You better start spelling some serious words like L-O-V-E and S-I-N-G-L-E and H-O-T S-T-U-F-F ....

Oh, how I love getting dating advice!


Cluster Funk said...

Honey, don't bother. Married people just want to be single again.

Michele said...

You bite your tongue, Mr. Funk! :)

Says the girl who's eternally in a single-married relationship. :)