So, as we all know, I am coaching a high school swim team right now. I helped out occasionally last year, so I already knew it would be fun. And, I work with the youth at church, so I feel like I know how to get on the same level as teenagers. But, I am starting to think that whole "get on their level" approach is backfiring on me. Because these kids have ZERO boundaries when it comes to me. Actually, I am pretty sure if you take me out of the equation, they'd still be brazen. I've decided it's just the nature of a teenager, mostly a teenage boy.
These kids say the most outlandish, awesome, weird, random (and often flattering) things. I figured it was time for me to share a few of them with you. I feel like I should withhold their names because... well, I am not sure I am allowed to publish them. I have no idea what the rules associated with being a "teacher" are, though truthfully I should. I was supposed to have taken this 6-HOUR (that's right) coaching class, as well as CPR/First Aid, but I am SO SO SO lazy, I haven't done so yet. Plus, did I mention that bloody coaching class takes 6-hours??? And, did I also mention that the swim team and I have a mutual understanding about the whole CPR/First Aid thing, being as I said to them "none of you better drown or even fake like you are going to drown, because I won't be able to save you. I have to go to work right after this, and it would be really awkward if I showed up wet. So, if you think you might die, grab onto to another swimmer, or hold the lane line because I am not going to jump in and save you." (And, yes, I did say this... aloud to the kids, I've always been one for full-disclosure... which again is something that puts me on their level). Any whoooooo... Although, I am not technically a teacher, by state law, I have to forfeit 6.5% of my paycheck to the Teacher's Union and so I figure it's best if I just stay away from slandering any of these kids by using their names.
But, before I start with the poolside conversations, can I just say that the Speedo company has a very large double standard when it comes to bathing suit coverage. Girls speedos are almost Amish in the amount of skin they cover (which is good, because if you didn't already know - which I am sure all of you did, you will soon find out that teenage boys are total horn dogs. Yikes). But, the boys Speedos, why oh why do they have to be so tiny?!? Even the kids with NO body fat can't keep their business all covered. I would estimate at least 75% of the boys have their bum cracks exposed while swimming. Ugh. If I had more time, I would write Speedo a strongly worded letter of complaint. But, I don't. So... Anyway, moving on to the poolside conversations.
Some Junior/Senior Boy (to the Male Coach): Who is that girl? New meat? She looks hot. This is going to be fun.
Male Coach: That's your coach you idiot. She's been here every morning for a few weeks now.
Some Junior/Senior Boy (to the Male Coach): Oh oops, don't tell her I said that.
After which the male coach marches over to tell me the story. I look at the kid and he winks at me. Ha ha ha.
Me: Um hey, why don't you try swimming like a normal kid (to this kid that keeps going all Tasmanian Devil and crazy getting in everyone's face while they are trying to swim).
Freshman Boy: Coach, you know what, I am going to do what you say. And, you know why?
Me: Because I am your coach.
Freshman Boy: Because you're my AWESOME coach. And, I like you. Plus, I REALLY don't want you to get mad at me.
And, so the kid swims normal... for about 3 minutes, before he forgets what he's supposed to be doing, or maybe decides that I am not so awesome... who knows.
Same Freshman Boy: Coach, sometimes I feel like you don't REALLY love me.
Same Freshman Boy: Na, I am just kidding. I know you love me.
Me: Ummmm, ok. Just keep swimming.
Me: Why are you following me around? (We were at a swim meet and this kid was glued to my side for a long long time).
Same Freshman Boy: Um, I don't know.
Me: Well, can you go over there with all the other kids? I really don't think you are supposed to hang out with me.
Same Freshman boy: Why?
Me: It's creepy. You have got to start hanging with the kids that are your own age.
Freshman Girl: Coach do you have a boyfriend?
Freshman Girl: Do you have a boyfriend NOW?
Freshman Girl: Well, then I think you should go on Match.com. Have you seen the commercials? You could totally find a boyfriend.
Different Freshman Boy: Coach, I think I could swim so much better if you'd give me a good luck hug.
Me: Um... I don't think I am supposed to hug you!?!
Different Freshman Boy: You can, it's ok.
Sophomore Boy: Coach, you look kind of hot.
Me: Thanks, you're like 12, but, still thanks.
Sophomore Boy: Coach, I am 15.
Me: Exactly, that's what I meant. It's all the same thing.
Sophomore Boy: No way.
Me: Yes way. Trust me.
Random Kid in the Parking Lot: Do you go to school here?
Me: No, I am old. (And, I am totally laughing. I get flattered when people card me at clubs these days... like I am such a clubber and all, but anyway....)
Random Kid in the Parking Lot: You are like a M.I.L.F.
Me: That is inappropriate. Plus, I don't have any kids.
Random Kid in the Parking Lot: Well, you would be, if you did.
Me: STILL, INAPPROPRIATE. Now go to class.
Freshman Girls: Coach, why aren't you here in the afternoons?
Me: Because, I have a real job.
Freshman Girls: This isn't your real job?
Me: Nope. This job pays about as much as babysitting.
Freshman Girls: Well, then it's a good thing you got yourself a real job!
Different Sophomore Boy: Coach, can I have your number.
Me: What for?
Different Sophomore Boy: In case I need to call you.
Me: Why would you need to call me?
Different Sophomore Boy: I don't know. I just might.
YIKES! I will have you all know, that Jackie has given me a new nickname. Sometimes when I get to work she says something to this effect 'How was swimming this morning, Mary Kay?'