To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, April 6, 2007

"You don't HAVE to bring a date, but I wouldn't want you to feel awkward..."

I feel manipulated by this statement!

I am the only white female in this office of mine. And, throw "Hard Core Mormon" (the guys can never just say that I am a Mormon they always have to throw in "Hard Core") into the mix, and that ups the ante on peculiar. None of my paycheck is siphoned off to support would-be children, which is a rarity in Construction. I don't currently, nor have I ever, had an affair with someone else's significant other. The list goes on and on of things that people in this office might find odd about me. If I was going to "feel awkward", it would have happened LONG before next weekend.

So, this morning the other Director just came into my office and asked me about this Awards Benefit that I am being forced to attend (against my will and better judgment)! I have to go. It would be a bad career move for me to dog out. So, I agreed to attend. But, why do I have to bring a date?!? There's no sense in BOTH of us feeling "awkward."

Plus, I don't know anyone that owns a tux, or anyone who owes me enough favors to actually rent one AND attend a really boring function where EVERYONE will be drunk (before they even show up to the event)!

To date, I have never asked out a guy... with maybe one exception, I asked a friend of mine (that had a girlfriend, who I also was friends with) to go to my work Christmas Party, because it was a Casino Night and he was from Vegas and taught me how to gamble (pre-Prophet prohibition, not that I ever threw down any substantial money or anything - but I did win $1,200 once, courtesy of some drunk old geezer who picked me to be his "good luck charm". And, he let me keep it!)

I am just not that girl that could ask out a guy... that's where I would feel "Awkward".

Let it be said, that the last time I brought a guy to a work function (I didn't ask him, he asked me if he could accompany me), they teased him relentlessly about being Mormon, hanging out with me and serving a mission, then they made him the "designated driver" after dinner. What the??? - I wish I was kidding!

Ever since my All-State date got married and my baby brother moved out-of-state, I have been strapped for dates to obligatory functions. Sad, but true!

Nonetheless, I am holding my ground and going solo... just because I don't want to be manipulated by a guy who is color-blind!

Either that, or I might hire a date!

But, one thing is for sure. Screw giving Mr. Colorblind purple pens and passing them off as blue. I just had the receptionist order a box of pink ones... I'll show him awkward!


John said...

Let me be the first to offer my escort services to you. Before you foo-foo the offer, let me provide a list of perks:

1) I'm free.
2) I can lie through my teeth to make myself look good, hence making you look good.
3) I can identify myself as "mormon" when asked, but still act super cool.
4) In private, we would have a great time making fun of all those "gentiles" together, thus exacting quiet revenge on their mormon teasing.
5) I won't necessarily fall in love with you and stalk you.
6) I will show more excitement than your mom should you win any awards.
7) I probably look good in a tux, but even if I don't, I will still feel and act like james bond, thus highlighting your ever-present hottness.
8) I have forgiven you for your riotous gambling days, and won't hold them against you should I see you at the judgement bar (but only if you take me).
9) "You don't HAVE to bring a date," but if you do, I can think of a few ways we can make people who "wouldn't want you to feel awkward" feel WAY more awkward than you would have. ;)
10) Should we be attacked by a gang, I will kill or be killed defending you. Either of which sounds exciting. (you never know)

What say you?

Ali B. said...


What color is your tux? - I am nervous about that?!?

John said...

I can't stalk you from Buenos Aires very well.

I don't own a tux. So, you can choose the color of the rental. I totally don't mind getting one. I think it would be really fun.

I would be more worried about perk #9. Tee hee.

Seymour Glass said...

if he doesn't own a tuxedo, that doesn't mean he doesn't own a tuxedo shirt. just a thought.

and i think you're kind not to drag someone to this thing.

but i have to point out to you that feeling awkward (or stupid, or blundering, or foolish, or whatever) is just part of the asking someone out process. i suppose being a guy i deal with this more. but i have to imagine that getting asked out is equally awkward, right?

Ali B. said...

I don't think getting asked out is awkward. And, I have been asked out by a guy wearing a helmet (in college)... not so much a bike/motorcycle helmet as a just-in-case-I-decide-to-start-hitting-myself-or-headramming-trees helmet for protection! So, I have a wide range to choose from. Still flattering. But, I am not easily squeamish.

The last awkward encounter I had was about a month ago. I was at the grocery store and this guy (WHO WORKED THERE) started making these animal noises in my general direction... the actual animal or origin was undecipherable to me. Ummmmm... then he followed me and did it right into my face. I said "pardon me?" He said, "I really like your shoes", which happened to be animal print.

Word to the wise men, I can't think of even one occasion where animal sounds are flattering, non-creepy or appropriate (and I am fairly tolerant/oblivious when it comes to "awkward" behavior).

Marigold said...

I'm a pretty good cross dresser, and I can wear platforms.

f*bomb. said...

Please. 98% of the time, the only reason I bother attending anything like this (weddings, work functions, birthday parties, holidays, etc...) is to see who's there and hopefully hit on someone I don't know.

Sit around tied to entertaining ONE date when there's a roomful of conversations waiting to happen? BO-RING. Now, am I planning on crashing a few weddings with girlfriends this weekend? HECK, YES. Such events are just an upscale opp for Happy Hour. And I am so very fond of Happy Hour...