To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Blind Dates

Ok, so I think it's finally come to the point where my friends feel the need to take my love life (or lack thereof, depending on the day) into their own hands.

And, while I love ALL of you dear friends. Please... STOP!

In the past month I have been propositioned to go on blind dates with various and sundry guys. And, while I tell myself to be open and try it, going with the 'how bad could it be logic', I suddenly remember that for me it CAN be RIDICULOUSLY bad. I have gone on some miserable blind dates... one involving a guy named Chet, a corn maze and a very minimal amount of teeth, motor skills, or general knowledge... it was over 8 years ago and I am STILL recovering.

Just last week I was sure Claire was making a profile for me on some dating internet site, like something out of a bad movie... I have known her for 6 years, I lived with her for 3, and all the sudden she's asking me about my hobbies and interests??? To which I responded, I love candy and ice cream and I dislike vegans and vegetarians, clearly that isn't enough to profile me right???

Anyway... basically my ranting about the two most recently orchestrated blind date attempts is directed toward the fact that I don't like text messaging people I have never met... it's AWKWARD... the humor is lost, when the person is a mystery and basically it's no good! (And, for the record I am absurdly slow at text messaging in general.)

Scenario #1: Candy (who is special, all on her own) my old VT partner, tried to set me up with this guy. To get me to go out with him she tells me two things "He's tall like you and he's in a band." IN A BAND?!? What am I 13??? To which I replied, "You know my criteria (1) Normal and (2) Has a job/career path. The band??? hobby or job? Check on that and get back to me." Well, turns out her boyfriend broke up with her for being unstable, so I thought I was off the hook... until the guy text messaged me.

???: Hey, hey, how are u?
Me: Just great. And you? By the way, who is this?
???: Oh, this is jeremy, and im doin excellent!
Me: Do I know you?
(Jeremy)???: Nope! Lol
At this point all I can think about is how old is this Tom Foolio 14? or 15? And, who is this Gomer??? How does this kid have my number??? Whatever... I am SO not responding.
Jeremy??? (AGAIN!): Im part of your phone service agreement. So every so often you might get a text from me :)
Oh my gosh, this guy is maybe trying to be funny, and if I KNEW him, he might be, but since I don't, I am saving his number in my phone as 'Creepy' in case he should ever call. And, I am STILL not responding.

Jeremy??? (AGAIN!): Hey, i was going to tell u the other day when i texted u that i got ur # from candy. But the movie started and i had to put my phone away.
Whatever "Creepy", Good thing I saved your number. And, I am still not responding. What am I supposed to say??? I still don't know this guy, and the source of the six degrees of separation between us is definitely questionable.

Scenario #2: My friend Jen (love you Jen) went on a date with this guy and she said he was cool, but she started dating this other guy exclusively, so she couldn't go out with the set-up guy again. So, she asked if I wanted to. Ummm... ok, I guess. Mind you, all I know about this guy is that 'he's not bad looking' and he was in this horrific accident, but he pulled through. I think Jen is darling and I know she just wants me to be with a great guy, so I said I'd go out with him... I believe this one's name is Mike, but his friend David Howell calls him "the real deal guy". And, while I have no objection (per se) about going out with this guy, I don't know how to respond to his friend who is texting me (who I also don't know).

Random friend of Mike??? (aka David Howell): Hey Ali this is David Howell I want to set you up with guy who is the real deal guy. I am one of Jen's friends.
'the Real Deal Guy', am I supposed to know what this means??? 'cause I don't...
Me: Sounds good. Give him my number and we can set something up.
Random friend of Mike??? (aka David Howell): Will do! Jen tell you about him?
Like I am going to tell him that all I know is that he's 'not bad looking' and that there was some terrible beating, which as described to me mirrors the beating given to Greg Kinnear in 'As Good As It Gets', which was somehow the impetus for his conversion to Mormonism!!! What do I say???
Me: Yes, a little. He's sounds great.
Good, well done me... that was diplomatic.

For those of you who know me... you can continue to text me, but don't be surprised if it takes me a good 20 minutes to respond, it might not be that I am busy, but more likely that I am still trying to find the appropriate letters to respond.


Clean Slate said...

Do you ever listen to Star 98.7 in the mornings? This week they decided to set the girl up with a a guy a week until Christmas. Not a guy they know, but rather anyone who calls in and meets the basic criteria (job, car, not living in his parents basement, etc.). They're calling it "Honey for the Holidays." Even though I was still half asleep (or maybe because of that), I was laughing hysterically. We should set one up for you! ;)
And I've totally had the random guy text thing happen to me. The best message of that whole fiasco: "you are chiller than the ice i skate on." And he wondered why I turned him down...

Brian said...

I love this post.

Seymour Glass said...

ah, blind dates. so much fun. so much fun that i'd say for every 2 blind dates i've ever been on, i ended 1.5 of them early because i was not having a good time. i mean like i took her home at like 10pm. and i'm a night owl so that's incredibly early for me...

the other thing is, in my experience if you know a couple that met on a blind date, it was their first blind date ever in a surprising proportion of cases. so i figured that once i'd had my first one, and it didn't result in marriage (let alone a second date), that was it for me. yet occasionally i'll be made to feel guilty and i'll go on one...

so ali, i've got this guy i know that i think...