I got an email from the IT guy at my office. He kindly asked me to actually delete the emails that I don't need to keep. It turns out that 924 emails in my In Box are superfluous and supernumerary and taking up all together too much room. Who knew?!? Anyway, the command from the IT was immediate and mandatory. So, I conceded. I am now down to 859. Pretty good, ey? And, in doing so, I ran across this email I got that contained an actual Good Housekeeping Article from May 13, 1955 called "The Good Wife's Guide."
All this time, I thought that the reason I was still single was because I didn't have the right name for my husband all those times I prayed, nor did anyone in my immediate or extended family - somehow I am convinced that exactness in my plea is required. (FYI - I'll have you know that in this Abraham at the Altar moment in my life, my Grandmother's most recent advise is this 'I think you should marry a guy whose wife died and has a few kids, because they're generally desperate to get married.' "Desperate... just what I am looking for... a guy that is just desperate enough to have me!
That's not an exaggeration, while the quote may be paraphrased, the sentiment is dead on. And, while it's tempting to consider hanging out at the morgue in my free time, waiting to pounce on the recently widowed. I think I'll briefly contemplate some pointers from this article to see if I even want the job.
1. 'Have dinner ready this is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him all day and are concerned with his needs.' Does this still work if there is a 1-in-2 chance of eminent food poisoning???
2. 'Take 15 minutes to touch-up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair...' Ribbon??? - RAD! 'and be fresh-looking'. Fresh-looking, ey???
3. 'Be a little more gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a little lift and it is one of your duties to provide it.' Oh gosh! What could this 'good wife' say that would be interesting to men, she's been cooking and freshening all day - do you really want to hear about that???
4. 'Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by... after all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.' Women and fires... no good! No good!
5. 'Show sincerity in your desire to please him. Greet him with a warm smile. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important that yours.' Oh brother!
6. 'Never complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment. You have no right to question him.' Do you think the diversion from Rule #6 was the impetus for the 50% (or greater) divorce rate in the country today? Can you imagine? 'You have no right... ha ha ha..."
7. 'Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.' So yelling and nagging are apparently no good!?!
8. 'A good wife always knows her place.'
I am pretty sure that the morgue is not a good place for me after all... I SO could not measure up to any first wife... and I am not sure I could handle the "you're not my real mother" thing... Where would I go if I wanted to find a husband that thought it was cool to take off his own shoes and appreciated that fact that I could buy my own shoes!?! - Ebay???